Colin Jost
Michael Che
[Starts with Michael Che in his news set. There’s a picture of a gas station at right top corner.]Michael Che: A New Jersey man is claiming he was robbed by rapper DMX at a local gas station. He knew it was DMX because it said so right on his name tag. He’s not doing good, guys.
[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture ofColin Jost: In an up head in the Washington post, republican presidential hopeful Dr. Ben Carson said that he wants to get rid of the selfie stick, which raises the question, what does Ben Carson think a president does?
[Picture changes to Golf Digest magazine]Golf Digest magazine has created a controversy over a new cover featuring 20 year old golfer Lexi Tompson posing with only a towel covering her breasts. But before you call them sexist, they did the same thing last month with Arnold Palmer.
[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Maya Angelou stamp at right top corner.]Michael Che: It was revealed that a new stamp featuring the late poet Maya Angelou contains a quote that she did not write. Now that’s bad but not as bad as how none of you noticed, that his is actually picture of Della Reese. Oh, you feel a little racist now, don’t you? And you should coz I’m lying. That’s actually Toni Morrison. This is Della Reese. [Picture changes to Morgan Freeman] [Picture changes to a cop car]
A Pennsylvania woman was arrested for allegedly giving her six month old son cocaine. But on a bright side, he did say his first million words.
[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of grilled cheese sandwich at left top corner.]Colin Jost: A new study finds that people who find grilled cheese sandwiches have more sex. Read more about it in this month’s issue of [picture changes to a magazine called ‘What?’] What?
[Picture changes to 7Eleven logo]Today was bring your own cup day at 7Elevens around the country where customers could fill up any cup they brought in with a Slurpee. But if you missed it, don’t worry, you could just do it any day. It’s 7Eleven, man! Go nuts! What’s the worst thing that happens? You get kicked out of a 7Eleven? That’s the best thing that can happen.
Michael Che: Duke beat Wisconsin 68-63 to win the NCAA championship. Afterwards, disappointed Wisconsin students took to the streets to riot the only way white people know how… without consequence. You lucky bastards.
[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of baseball field at left top corner.]Colin Jost: Hey. During opening day at Chicago’s Wrigley field, lines for bathrooms were so long that fans resorted to urinating in cups. A move Chicago-ains are calling, “Hey, free beer”, and “Oh, no!”
