Michael Che[Starts with Michael Che in his news set. There’s a picture of Prince William and Kate at right top corner.]
Michael Che: The royal family announced that the name of Prince Willam and Kate’s baby girl is Charlotte Elizabeth Diana. They chose the name Diana for William’s mother, Elizabeth for his grandmother and Charlotte for of course, [Picture changes to basket ball players] 1992 Charloette Hornets.[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Floyd Mayweather and Manny Pacquiao at left top corner.]
Colin Jost: After their recent fight, boxer Floyd Mayweather called Manny Pacquiao a coward for not accepting his loss and said there would be no rematch. Because if you wanna fight Floyd Mayweather more than once, you have to date him.[Picture changes to a masked man with a burger]
This week, McDonald’s unveiled a new version of the hamburglar, so McDonald’s, I guess my question is what’s happening here? Who is this for? The hamburglar used to be a lovable children’s character. This guy looks like an actor from McDonald land porn parody. And why is he shh-ing us? Is he says, “Shh, don’t tell anyone what’s in our special sauce?” Or, “Shh, don’t tell my parents how bad my acting career is going.” Or is the new McDonald’s play place in the back of this dude’s van? Because this isn’t the image you use to sell fast food. It’s the image you see when you come to after getting drugged at a costume party.[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Lindsey Vann and Tyga Woods at right top corner.]
Michael Che: Lindsey Vann anounced that she and Tyga Woods have broken up, while Tyga Woods announced that, “Woo-hoo!”[Starts with Colin Jost and Michael Che in their set]
Colin Jost: So, tomorrow is Mother’s Day.
Michael Che: Tomorrow is Mother’s Day.
Colin Jost: As we totally remembered.
Michael Che: I feel like it’s now.
Colin Jost: Yeah, it’s now. It’s now our Mother’s Day. Congratulations moms. And, just to honor our mothers here on Weekend Update, we’d like to read one joke each that our moms actually texted to us this year.
Michael Che: Yeah, even though we never asked them to do that.
Colin Jost: Okay.[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s Colin’s mom’s photo at left top corner.]
So, this is the first one. This is my mom everyone. [cheers and applause] Thank you. It looks like she’s cool on Safari, but don’t! Don’t! It’s Disney Land. Um, this is also about Disney. This is what she texted me.
“Disney Land having trouble with the measles. Maybe they should re-brand it as mouse-pox then show Mickey with spots. On serious note, this is why vaccination is so important.”
Michael Che: It’s not horrible. Yesterday, I asked my mother to send me a picture that I could show of her on national TV and she is still in the Salon right now. So, I’m just gonna show you the look that she’s probably going for. [Picture changes to Diana Ross in a photo shoot] It’s 1970’s Diana Ross. And this is the joke, this is her new story.
“I just walked out of grandma’s room. She has the heater on blazing. Sad face. It was so hot in there, I just saw satan run out and say he couldn’t take it and he would be back later because it was so hot in there. LOLOLOLOLOL.”[Cut to Colin Jost and Michael Che]
Colin Jost: So, happy Mother’s Day. I can’t wait to take you to brunch tomorrow, mom.
Michael Che: And I can’t wait to take you to dinner, Colin’s mom.[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of nail salon named ‘ISIS Nails’ at right top corner.]
I’d make a great dad. A nail salon in Queens called ‘ISIS Nails’ has finally changed it’s name after suffering harassment from locals who thought the store was connected to the terrorist group. Though, I don’t know how much better things will be with their new name, “Nail Qaeda”.[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of outside space at left top corner.]
Colin Jost: A group of astronomers have calculated the distance to a galaxy as more than 13 billion lightyears away, which is the most distant galaxy ever measured. It’s so distant that astronomers have given it the nickname, “Dad”.