Michael Che[Starts with Michael Che in his news set. There’s a picture of planet Mars at right top corner.]
Michael Che: Researchers have announced they have found the strongest evidence yet of flowing water on Mars. Sadly, all the fountains had signs that read, [Picture changes to drinking water fountain with alien sign on it] “Greens only”. You got long way to go on that planet too.[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Donald Trump and Dr. Ben Carson at left top corner.]
Colin Jost: A new poll of republican voters shows that Donald Trump is now tied with Ben Carson for first place. With both candidates polling an exactly too many percent (toomany%).[The picture changes to a Burgen King’s black burger.]
Burger King has introduced a Halloween themed burger that has a black bun. Oh, sure, but when I turn black for Halloween, I’m setting back race relation.[Cut to Colin Jost and Michael Che. Michael Che is not happy with Colin Jost’s joke] [Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of a book ‘A Series of Unfortunate Events’ at right top corner.]
Michael Che: I begged you not to do that. The author who wrote children’s book under the name Lemony Snicket, announced that he is donating $1 million to Planned Parenthood. It’s an amount that will cover a whole series of Unfortunate Events.[The picture changes to a sea turtle]
Scientists have discovered a sea turtle in the south pacific that is the first glowing reptile ever found. And this just in, it’s been shot by a dentist.[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Garth Brooks at left top corner.]
Colin Jost: Garth Brooks claims that he has lost all of the new material for an upcoming album after his phone containing the songs died. Or, more likely, killed itself.