Colin Jost
Michael Che
[Starts with Michael Che in his news set. there’s a picture of two dead body outlines on the floor at right top corner.]
Michael Che: On Thursday, a gang of black people who were allegedly under the influence of narcotics murdered two high ranking community leaders on live television. This according the the FOX News recap of the Wiz.
[Cut to Colin Jost. there’s a picture of a hoverboard at left top corner.]
Happy ending. [laughing]
Colin Jost: The Cleveland Cavaliers reportedly banned their players from using hoverboards inside the stadium, making it the first time anyone on the Cavs has ever been punished for [Picture changes to a player from Cavaliers playing basketball] travelling. Oh!
[Picture changes to a new born baby]
According to the new list, the most popular baby girl name of the year was Sofia while the least popular baby girl name belonged to little Isis Cosby.
[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Kylie Jenner dressed as a sex doll on a wheelchair at right top corner.]
Michael Che: There’s no way Isis Cosby is white. Kylie Jenner is being insensitive for a photoshoot in which she dressed as a sex doll on a wheelchair. But you know what they say, dress for the job you want.
[Picture changes to Kobe Bryant]
Kobe Bryant announced that he will retire from the NBA at the end of this season saying, “My body knows it’s time to say goodbye.” But I don’t know, Kobe. The last time you listen to your body, you had to buy your wife a $4 million apology diamond.
[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Mouse Mingle by Disney at left top corner.]
Colin Jost: A new dating site has been launched called Mouse Mingle that matches people who are both Disney fans. It’s the perfect way for a lonely Cinderella to meet her, at best, Pumba.
[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of male and female signs at right top corner.]
Michael Che: A new study finds that scientists examining scans of human brains could not tell the difference between the male brain and the female brain. In fact, the only way you can tell the male brain from the female brain is that if you look very, very closely, the female brain always be shopping. [laughing]
