Michael Che[Starts with Michael Che in his news set. There’s a picture of FDA logo and burnt cigarettes in an ash tray at right top corner.]
Michael Che: The FDA has launched a new hip-hop themed anti-smoking campaign aimed at black and Hispanic teenagers because they’re the FDA and they’re here to say they love to condescend in a major way.[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of written American Apparel at left top corner.]
Colin Jost: American Apparel has filed for bankruptcy. If you’re not familiar with American Apparel, they’re that company that makes flyers for missing persons.[Picture changes to a model photograph of American Apparel that looks like a girl who is kidnapped.] [Picture changes to Justin Bieber’s nude photo. His penis is covered by a maple leaf.]
So, everybody saw Justin Bieber’s penis this week. Also, everyone felt the need to tell me about it. Like, my friend’s mom saw it and she was like, “Hey, it’s not that bad.” That seemed to be a lot of people’s reaction. You know? It wasn’t like tiny enough to be like, “Hah!” But it wasn’t also big enough to be like, “Wow!” Basically, it was n one’s first choice. Which made me think, “Wait, maybe Justin Bieber’s penis should be the new speaker of the house.” Now, I know that sounds crazy but hear me out. The speaker of the house has to appeal to everyone without truly satisfying anyone.
Michael Che: Come on, man!
Colin Jost: The only problem is I don’t know if Republicans will go for it because based on the picture, it leans a little too far to the left.[Cut to Michael Che. there’s a picture of bras hooked together and written ‘National Breast Cancer Awreness Month’.
Michael Che: How long did you look at that picture? In an effort to draw attention to national breast cancer awareness month in Minestrone, more than te10n,000 bras were hooked together and hung from a crane. Well, I do not wanna know how Minnesota celebrates black history month.
A new report says that the best place in the world for retirees is Switzerland while the worst place for retirees is still at the top of the staircase.[Cut to Colin Jost and Michael Che]
Colin Jost: And now, Weekend Update presents…
Michael Che: The Weekend Update[Cut to a different ‘The Weekend Update ‘ intro]
Male voice: The Weeknd Update.[Cut to The Weeknd in his dressing room sitting on a sofa. He looks at the camera, then the person behind the camera and is really confused.]
The Weeknd: Why are you here?
Male voice: This has been The Weeknd Update.
Colin Jost: This weekend, 150,000 people are expected to attend New York’s Comic Con. Or as women refer to it, ‘Reverse Fleet Week’.[Michael Che laughing] [Picture changes to Amazon logo]
Amazon has launched a new service called ‘Handmade’ that sells handcrafted items like those sold on Etsy. And to show there were no hard feelings, Etsy sent Amazon a home made gift.[Picture changes to knit pillow case that has ‘Fuck You’ written on it.] [Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Chuck E. Cheese’s logo and few drinks at right top corner.]
Michael Che: Chuck E. Cheese has announced plans to revamp it’s menu and sell more beer and wine. It’s all part of their plan to help loosen up pedophiles.