Colin Jost
Michael Che
[Starts with Michael Che in his news set. There’s a picture of industrial smoke and China’s flag at right top corner.]Michael Che: According to new data, China is burning 17% more coal than their government had previously stated. And don’t try to say it was a mistake, China. Coz we know you did the math right.
[Picture changes to baseball players celebrating the win. It reads ‘Kansas city beats New York.’]This week Colin Jost spent three days in his dressing room crying like a bitch.
[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s the same picture of baseball players celebrating the win that reads ‘Kansas city beats New York.’]Colin Jost: Then I found out the Mets lost.
[Picture changes to Ali Khamenei]Iran supreme leader Ali Khamenei clarified the meaning of the common chant ‘Death to America’ saying that it does not mean death to America, but instead refers to America’s policies. You know, sort how like the people outside are chanting ‘Dump Trump’ but they really just mean, “What are his ideas on healthcare?”
[Picture changes to a map picture of California and condoms]California is considering a new law that would fine actors in pornographic movies up to $70,000 if they don’t wear condoms. Said the porn industry, [porn music playing] “Oh, yeah? And what are you going to do to us if we don’t have the money?”
[Cut to Michael Che. He is looking Colin Jost with shock. There’s a picture of Donald Trump’s book ‘Crippled America’ at right top corner.]Michael Che: Why do you still think porn has music in it? [Colin Jost laughing] This week, Donald Trump released his new book ‘Crippled America: How to make America great again’. And while some are taking offence at the use of the word ‘Crippled’, I’m more concerned about his used of the word ‘Again’. Like, what years are you talking about specifically, dude? Whenever a rich old white guy start bringing up the good old days, my negro senses start tingling. I mean, all those years of progress, Trump’s gonna really go with, “Nah, I think we had it right the first time.”
[Picture changes to Taco Bell logo]A Taco Bell executive has been fired after a video was posted of him assaulting an Uber driver. I cannot believe Taco Bell has executives. I thought all their decisions were made by wheel of nonsense words.
