Colin Jost
Michael Che
[Starts with Michael Che in his news set. There’s a picture of Cuban flag at right top corner.]Michael Che: A couple in Brooklyn has adopted a stray kitten they found while in a trip to Cuba. So congratulations, your plan worked caviar!
[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of young kids at left top corner.]Colin Jost: According to a new poll, only 65% of American teenagers still think Facebook is cool. ‘I still like those odds”, said a sex offender.
[Picture changes to a cartoon character Charlie Brown.]Michael Che: [laughing] Is that the sex offender?
Colin Jost: I think that was the other. Sex offender was like, “Aw!” A former child actor who played the voice of Charlie Brown in several peanut specials was sentenced to five years prison for making criminal threats. All this despite the fact that he had access to affordable psychiatric care. [Picture changes to cartoon picture of Charlie Brown sitting in front of a board that says “Psychiatric Help 5 cents.] [Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of a candle and Pringles chips logo at right top corner.]
Michael Che: It was announced that Pringles is now selling candles scented like their potato chips. In case anybody wants to die in a saddest fire.
[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Burt Reynolds and Charlie Sheen at left top corner.]Colin Jost: In a new interview, Burt Reynolds criticized Charlie Sheen saying he deserves to get HIV. Adding, “For his work in Major League 2.”
[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of police car at right top corner.]Michael Che: I like that one. A woman was arrested by New Jersey Police for Drunk Driving, repeatedly telling officers that she was “Looking for New Jersey.” But you know, if you’re driving around drunk and lost, you don’t need to look for New Jersey, coz it’s been inside of you the whole time.
