Amy Poehler[Starts with Michael Che in his news set. There’s a picture of a ship at right top corner.]
Michael Che: Activists are upset that the navy has named a new combat ship after president Andrew Jackson saying he was pro slavery. Yeah, but so were ships.[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Bill Maher and Bill O’Reilly at left top corner.]
Colin Jost: The PBS series ‘Finding Your Roots’ has discovered that Bill Maher and Bill O’Reilly are actually distant cousins, having descended from the same ancestor a screaming potato![Picture changes to a Christmas Tree]
You know, this holiday season there’s a lot to be thankful for. But I’m thankful for one individual in particular and his name is Martin Shkreli. [Picture changes to Martin Shkreli.] Shkreli is that guy who hyked up the price of an HIV drug by 5000%, and this week he was arrested for scamming investors in a multi million dollar ponzi scheme. Okay, first of all, congratulations on reinventing yourself, Martin. You know, not many villains have a whole second evil career. I mean it’s not like [Picture changes to Mussolini] Mussolini also started Draft Kings. And I gotta say, it’s really hard to be the most hated man in both finance and the pharmaceutical industry. I mean, that’s like being a lead singer of Nickle Back and Smash Mouth.
Guys, Martin Shkreli is a real life Grinch. And you know what? Maybe one day his heart will grow three sizes too big. And then we’re gonna be there for him… to jack up his heart medicine by 5000%.[Cut to Michael Che. there’s a picture of a Christmas tree at right top corner.]
Michael Che: A 96 foot tall Christmas tree in California was destroyed when it was engulfed in flames. Authority suspect arson and are on a lookout for this suspect. [Picture changes to nine branch menorah] [Picture changes to Kwanzah candle stand]
You know, next Saturday is the holiday of Kwanzah, and if you’re unfamiliar Kwanzah is an African American holiday that’s only celebrated by Rachel Dolezal and McDonalds. Black people do not celebrate Kwanzah.
It starts on December 26th. You can’t follow Christmas with a worst Christmas. That’s like if at the end of a Beyonce concert she goes, “And ladies and gentlemen, Fergie.”[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Star Wars logo and a church at left top corner.]
Colin Jost: A church in Germany will host a Star Wars themed service on Sunday that will highlight the parallels between scripture and the films. And if you haven’t been to church in a while, spoiler alert, god is Jesus’s father. Spoiler![Cut to Michael Che laughing. There is a picture of monkeys at right top corner.]
Michael Che: Zoo keepers in England are searching for a monkey that escaped from enclosure after being bullied and losing a fight with other monkeys. Officials say that monkey is white and grey, timid and answers to the name Jeb.[Cut to Colin Jost and Michael Che]
Colin Jost: Well it’s the Christmas show tonight, and we’ve got a little something special for you guys.
Michael Che: Yes, here to tell our last two jokes of 2015, Tina Fey and Amy Poehler.[Tina Fey and Amy Poehler slide in] [cheers and applause] [Cut to Tina Fey. There’s a picture of a school at left top corner.]
Tina Fey: There we go. Last two jokes of 2015. Parents in Connecticut were upset after an elementary school teacher had students in her class change the lyrics of Silent Night from Holy Night to Solstice Night. Worse, she changed the name Virgin Mary to Over The Jeans Mary.
Amy Poehler: New York City police said that this year’s sex crimes on the subway such as groping and flashing have jumped nearly 20%. What can I say? I had a good year.[Cut to Colin Jost, Michael Che, Tina Fey and Amy Poehler]
Tina Fey: Hope you have a Happy New Year.
Amy Poehler: For Weekend Update, I’m Amy Poehler.
Tina Fey: I’m Tina Fey.
Colin Jost: I’m Colin Jost.
Michael Che: And I’m Michael Che. Goodnight!