Michael Che[Starts with Michael Che in his news set. There’s a map picture of Ohio and a glass of water at right top corner.]
Michael Che: At this year’s international water tasting contest, Hamilton, Ohio won for having the best tasting water. While the town with the worst tasting water is Dookieville, Illinois.[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Batman logo at left top corner.]
Colin Jost: A Pennsylvania college student has made a fully functional Batman costume that can withstand punches, machetes and baseball bats. He’s just like the real Batman, except his parents only wish they were dead.
Michael Che: Ha-ha-ha-ha. That si good.[Picture changes to a file of research]
Colin Jost: New research suggest that people with attention deficit disorder are twice as likely to die at a younger age. Boring! On to the next story! Ow, my chest hurts![Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of a marijuana and paints at right top corner.]
Michael Che: So dumb! A new art class is being offered in Colorado which people openly smoke marijuana and paint. The class is called ‘Every Art Class’.[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of a map of Seattle and an egg on left top corner.]
Colin Jost: Police in Seattle say a woman was knocked unconscious after she was hit by an egg thrown from a car that sped away. So, she never even heard the driver’s warning to [Picture changes to a rooster driving a car] stay out of chicken town.