Michael Che[Starts with Colin Jost in his news set. There’s a picture of a calendar marking October 2015 at left top corner.]
Colin Jost: October is Polish American Heritage Month. For more information about Poland, you can google it by sticking out your finger and having two other people move the keyboard up and down.[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of map of California at left top corner.]
Michael Che: Police in California are searching for the person who broke into a woman’s house and stole a box containing her late husband’s ashes. It’s like they always say, “No matter what, some bitches always tryna take your man!”[Picture changes to a Walmart logo and a cop car]
Pennsylvania police arrested a man how was caught masturbating in a Walmart parking lot. That’s how low their prices are.[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of a Walmart logo and a cop car at left top corner.]
Colin Jost: In his defense, he was technically in the loading zone.
Michael Che: No![Picture changes to McDonald’s logo and map of New Hampshire]
Colin Jost: A man in New Hampshire was arrested for throwing objects around a local McDonald’s after he ordered a burger without pickles and was given a burger with pickles. The man was embarrassed by the outburst but he doesn’t think it will hurt his campaign [Picture changes to Bernie Sanders] for president.[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of police badge at right top corner.]
Michael Che: A police officer in Alabama is retiring after working for 35 years without ever taking a sick day. “What can I say?” said the officer, “I hate my family!”