Angela Merkel… Kate McKinnon[Starts with Colin Jost in his set]
Colin Jost: Time magazine this week named Angela Merkel as it’s 2015 person of the year. Here to comment is German chancellor, Angela Merkel.[Angela Merkel slides in]
Angela Merkel: [in calm voice] Woo, woo, woo.
Colin Jost: I’m sorry, are you okay chancellor?
Angela Merkel: I’m trying to celebrate. My body is rejecting it.
Colin Jost: Your body is rejecting celebrating?
Angela Merkel: Well, let me talk. Oops!
Colin Jost: Alright. Well, Time person of the year though. Right? I mean you must be at least flattered by the honor.
Angela Merkel: Of course, this is unt-hoot as well as un-tolla. But 2015 has not been the easiest year. Greece wanted to borrow more money. Syria asked if 1 million refugees could sleep on my couch. Unt, my favorite blazer has been discontinued at the short unboxing. Plus, [Cut to Angela Merkel and Colin Jost. Angela Merkel pulls out Time magazine with her on the front page.] look at my face. This is like a pile of oat meal with two blueberries for eyes. [Cut to Angela Merkel] It just smiles and says, “Are we done here?” [starts sobbing]
Colin Jost: Now, hold on. [Cut to Angela Merkel and Colin Jost] I think it is at least a huge deal. You know? Cheer up. Think of it as a Christmas present from Santa Claus.
Angela Merkel: Yea right, you’re right. But in Germany we do not have Santa Claus. We have an ancient demon named Crampas. [Cut to Angela Merkel]
Colin Jost: Oh yeah.
Angela Merkel: Yes. Your horror movie is what our children look forward to all year. If you’re nice, he gives you a tiny block of thick paste. And if you’re bad, he ices your out emotionally until you scream, “What have I done?” But he never says. He just rolls his eyes and leaves you to punish yourself. But it works.[Cut to Angela Merkel and Colin Jost]
Colin Jost: Yeah, that sounds terrifying. Now, Donald Trump was very critical of you winning the title. He says you’re ruining Germany.
Angela Merkel: Oh yeah, I guess he prefers earlier stuffs. Woof! Woof! [Cut to Angela Merkel] You know, the only thing he and I’d see eye to eye on is hair shapes. Because we have the same stylist.
Colin Jost: Same stylist?
Angela Merkel: Yes. We just walk in, we have– “You have three seconds, go!”[Cut to Angela Merkel and Colin Jost]
Colin Jost: And Angela, did you hear from any other world leaders?
Angela Merkel: Yes. Hillary and I were exchanging tiny umes… She was like, [Cut to Angela Merkel] “Congrats on the cover, girl.” And I was like, “Congrats on republican nominees, girl. By the way, do you think Barack Obama saw the cover photo because I ran into Barack at the climate summit and he makes my climate warm, like, more than 2 degree Celsius. Woo-woo.[Cut to Angela Merkel and Colin Jost]
Colin Jost: Well, I at least hope —
Angela Merkel: Woo.
Colin Jost: It’s a goo try, it’s almost taking.
Angela Merkel: Woo.
Colin Jost: No, no. It’s weird. It’s weird. You can’t celebrate. I hope you at least take some time to enjoy this moment.
Angela Merkel: Yeah, I will, I will, because our Christmas holiday is coming up and I plan to take full three hours. I will get turned up, there will be so much eggnod.
Colin Jost: I’m sorry, eggnod?[Cut to Angela Merkel]
Angela Merkel: Yes, this is when you watch a chicken hatch from an egg and you nod at it, and it nods back at you as if to say, “We are all born and we all shall die. Merry Crampus everyone.”
Colin Jost: Merry Crampus. Angela Merkel, everyone.
Angela Merkel: Time for me.