Weekend Update Bruce Chandling about Relationships


Michael Che

Bruce Chandling

[Starts with Michael Che in his set]

Michael Che: As temperatures drop, single people are trying to lock down relationships to help get them through the winter. Here with his unique take on the subject is the guy that I’ve been seeing around the clubs and colleges, all over the place, veteran New York stand up comic, Bruce Chandling.

[Bruce Chandling slides in]

Bruce Chandling: Hi. Michael, so good to be here. I gotta say, you look good… for once. Seriously, I gotta put it all out on table tonight. [Cut to Bruce Chandling] I really do. And you know, people trying to keep me from speaking my mind. But I’m sorry yo! Somebody gotta tell it like it is. I do not get women.

[Cut to Bruce Chandling and Michael Che]

Michael Che: Okay.

Bruce Chandling: Right? Coz the thing about women is they’re always asking so many questions. You notice this? You seen this? [Cut to Bruce Chandling] Right? Where you going Bruce? Where you’ve been? What happened to all the stuff in the refrigerator? Pretty soon I start to think am I dating a girl or am I dating a pop quiz?

[Cut to Bruce Chandling and Michael Che]

Michael Che: Alright, thanks for stopping by, Bruce. That was pretty good, man.

Bruce Chandling: And.. and.. the dates these girls wanna go on, it’s like, are you serious? [Cut to Bruce Chandling] It’s always, “Oh, take me to dance club. I love to dance.” But it’s like, yo, face it Michael, guys do not dance!

[Cut to Bruce Chandling and Michael Che]

Michael Che: What?

Bruce Chandling: Ay! The only move we know how to do is the slide… the bowl of chips closer to us and twist… open the chili cheese dip.

Michael Che: So this is what you wanted to say on TV?

[Cut to Bruce Chandling]

Bruce Chandling: Ay! Right on, daddio! You see, guys just make sense. With girls it’s always, “Oh, I wanna settle down. Let’s be in a relationship.” Then then when you finally say, “Okay, you’re my girlfriend”, then they go fool around with one of your closest friends? It’s like why can’t they be with just one guy?

[Bruce Chandling looking very sad.] [Cut to Bruce Chandling and Michael Che. Michael Che is looking at Bruce Chandling very concerned.]

Michael Che: Ay, Bruce, is everything okay?

[Cut to Bruce Chandling]

Bruce Chandling: What’s the matter? Whenever you try to get a hold of a girl, she’s always “At soccer practice”.

[Cut to Bruce Chandling and Michael Che]

Michael Che: What do you mean?

Bruce Chandling: Or if it’s not that, she is too busy planning the senior prank.

Michael Che: Oh! Hold on, dude!

Bruce Chandling: It’s just a thing that all women do these days.

Michael Che: Ay, Bruce, it sounds like your girlfriend might be a high school.

[Cut to Bruce Chandling]

Bruce Chandling: [laughing] No. [thinking for a long time] Oh, no. Ay, no, coz she looks like a… That makes sense. Guess I was meant to be alone. I mean that’s what I’m best at, right?

[Cut to Bruce Chandling and Michael Che]

Michael Che: oh, come on Bruce! I’m sure that plenty of women out there that are your own age that would love to be with you.

[Cut to Bruce Chandling]

Bruce Chandling: Maybe right. Only problem is, I do not get… Women!

[Cut to Bruce Chandling and Michael Che]

Michael Che: Bruce Chandling, everybody!

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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