Weekend Update David Ortiz Retirement


Colin Jost

David Ortiz… Kenan Thompson

[Starts with Colin Jost in his set]

Colin Jost: This week Boston Red Sox Slugger David Ortiz announced that he is retiring from baseball after next season. Here to talk about it is Big Poppy himself, David Ortiz.

[David Ortiz slides in]

David Ortiz: Como estas.

Colin Jost: Welcome back, Big Poppy. So you’re retiring from baseball?

David Ortiz: That’s right. [Cut to David Ortiz] And we celebrated with a big lunch. Yeah. Everybody have a lunch. We have mofongo, pica pollo, pescaito frito and batata fritas.

[Cut to David Ortiz and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: I’m sorry. You had all that for lunch?

David Ortiz: That’s right. Big Dominican lunch with Big Poppy.

Colin Jost: And now what are you gonna do after you retire?

David Ortiz: Who, me?

Colin Jost: Yeah.

David Ortiz: Oh, no. I only retire from baseball, Jost. You know, I still sponsorship.

Colin Jost: Like, you do sponsorship?

David Ortiz: No. I sponsor ships. It’s like commercial I do.

[Cut to David Ortiz. A picture of a ship appears at the bottom of the screen.]

Ships. You want to get somewhere slow and soaking wet? How about a ship? It’s like a plane but bad. With ships.

[The picture disappears.]

Yeah! I also do an ad for Dominican seasoning. It’s Smidgeon of pigeon.

[A picture of Smidgeon of Pigeon appears at the bottom of the screen]

Smidgeon of Pigeon. You wanna taste a little pigeon? But you don’t wanna eat whole one? Then put a Smidgeon of Pigeon.

[The picture disappears.]

It’s basically oregano.

[Cut to David Ortiz and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: Now, I did not realize if that was a traditional Dominican seasoning.

David Ortiz: Oh! Yeah, man! And you know what you can put it on?

[Cut to David Ortiz]

Colin Jost: What?

David Ortiz: You can put it on mofongo, mondongo, langostas fritas, croquetas de bisque.

[Cut to David Ortiz and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: Now that’s a big meal. Are you worried about eating this much after you stop playing sports?

David Ortiz: Oh no, Colin. Because I have the perfect yim (gym) to workout there, okay?

[Cut to David Ortiz]

Colin Jost: Yim?

David Ortiz: Yeah, it’s so good yim. It’s called Iguananox.

[Picture of Iguananox logo appears at the bottom of the screen]

Do you not like working out at the yim, but you wish there was a bunch of lizards in there too? Check out Iguananox.

[The picture disappears]

Very few deaths.

[Cut to David Ortiz and Colin Jost]

And you know, I knew to stay and shave, Jost. Because I started a new dating website.

Colin Jost: Sorry, dating website?

David Ortiz: Yeah, bro. It’s called ‘go outside’.

[Cut to David Ortiz. There’s a picture of ‘go outside’ logo at the bottom of the screen.]

Do you wanna meet some people? Go outside!

[The picture disappears]

And look around man. Everywhere is people.

Colin Jost: It’s a grate point. It’s a great point.

David Ortiz: Yeah, that’s right. You can it out in wabble-you wabble-you wabble-you (he means www) gooutside.whynot.havesomefun.thisgoingtobegreat.mofongo

And please use a promo code: Wasakaka con queso frito.

[Cut to David Ortiz and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: David Ortiz, everyone. For Weekend Update, I’m Colin Jost.

Michael Che: I’m Michael Che. Goodnight.

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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