Colin Jost
David Ortiz… Kenan Thompson
[Starts with Colin Jost in his set]
Colin Jost: This week Boston Red Sox Slugger David Ortiz announced that he is retiring from baseball after next season. Here to talk about it is Big Poppy himself, David Ortiz.
[David Ortiz slides in]
David Ortiz: Como estas.
Colin Jost: Welcome back, Big Poppy. So you’re retiring from baseball?
David Ortiz: That’s right. [Cut to David Ortiz] And we celebrated with a big lunch. Yeah. Everybody have a lunch. We have mofongo, pica pollo, pescaito frito and batata fritas.
[Cut to David Ortiz and Colin Jost]
Colin Jost: I’m sorry. You had all that for lunch?
David Ortiz: That’s right. Big Dominican lunch with Big Poppy.
Colin Jost: And now what are you gonna do after you retire?
David Ortiz: Who, me?
Colin Jost: Yeah.
David Ortiz: Oh, no. I only retire from baseball, Jost. You know, I still sponsorship.
Colin Jost: Like, you do sponsorship?
David Ortiz: No. I sponsor ships. It’s like commercial I do.
[Cut to David Ortiz. A picture of a ship appears at the bottom of the screen.]
Ships. You want to get somewhere slow and soaking wet? How about a ship? It’s like a plane but bad. With ships.
[The picture disappears.]
Yeah! I also do an ad for Dominican seasoning. It’s Smidgeon of pigeon.
[A picture of Smidgeon of Pigeon appears at the bottom of the screen]
Smidgeon of Pigeon. You wanna taste a little pigeon? But you don’t wanna eat whole one? Then put a Smidgeon of Pigeon.
[The picture disappears.]
It’s basically oregano.
[Cut to David Ortiz and Colin Jost]
Colin Jost: Now, I did not realize if that was a traditional Dominican seasoning.
David Ortiz: Oh! Yeah, man! And you know what you can put it on?
[Cut to David Ortiz]
Colin Jost: What?
David Ortiz: You can put it on mofongo, mondongo, langostas fritas, croquetas de bisque.
[Cut to David Ortiz and Colin Jost]
Colin Jost: Now that’s a big meal. Are you worried about eating this much after you stop playing sports?
David Ortiz: Oh no, Colin. Because I have the perfect yim (gym) to workout there, okay?
[Cut to David Ortiz]
Colin Jost: Yim?
David Ortiz: Yeah, it’s so good yim. It’s called Iguananox.
[Picture of Iguananox logo appears at the bottom of the screen]
Do you not like working out at the yim, but you wish there was a bunch of lizards in there too? Check out Iguananox.
[The picture disappears]
Very few deaths.
[Cut to David Ortiz and Colin Jost]
And you know, I knew to stay and shave, Jost. Because I started a new dating website.
Colin Jost: Sorry, dating website?
David Ortiz: Yeah, bro. It’s called ‘go outside’.
[Cut to David Ortiz. There’s a picture of ‘go outside’ logo at the bottom of the screen.]
Do you wanna meet some people? Go outside!
[The picture disappears]
And look around man. Everywhere is people.
Colin Jost: It’s a grate point. It’s a great point.
David Ortiz: Yeah, that’s right. You can it out in wabble-you wabble-you wabble-you (he means www) gooutside.whynot.havesomefun.thisgoingtobegreat.mofongo
And please use a promo code: Wasakaka con queso frito.
[Cut to David Ortiz and Colin Jost]
Colin Jost: David Ortiz, everyone. For Weekend Update, I’m Colin Jost.
Michael Che: I’m Michael Che. Goodnight.
