Drunk uncle… Bobby Moynihan[Starts with Colin Jost in his set]
Colin Jost: Donald Trump remains the front runner for the republican nomination. Here to comment is someone who claims to be Trump’s number one fan, Drunk Uncle.[Drunk uncle slides in]
Drunk uncle: Hey! Hey!
Colin Jost: Wow, drunk uncle. You seem happier than usual.
Drunk uncle: It’s Trump time, baby! [Cut to Drunk uncle] Finally Colin, someone is saying that things that I have been thinking as well as saying. I mean, it’s like I’m running for president. [Colin Jost laughing] you know? It’s like, we have a million things in common. You know? We both look like Russians. [Michael Che laughing] That’s one. His dad gave him $1 million loan, I told my dad I love him and he told me leave him alone. So, that’s two. And his wife’s name is Melania and my doctor said, “That’s what this mole is.”[Cut to Drunk uncle and Colin Jost]
Colin Jost: Oh, I think you should really get that taken care of.
Drunk uncle: And let Obamacare win? Barf! Not on my swatch. These kids today– These kids today, they don’t even vote anymore, Colin. [Cut to Drunk uncle]
Colin Jost: They don’t what?
Drunk uncle: [yelling] They don’t even vote anymore, Colin. Open your ears. [Michael Che laughing] All they care about is, “Can I eat my flaxseeds on my hoverboard?” “I’m sorry. Excuse me, is this Apple watch gender neutral?” Her name is Bruce.
Colin Jost: Okay drunk uncle, what specifically do you like about Trump?
Drunk uncle: I don’t just like him, Colin. I love him. He’s gonna make America great again. I mean, he’s got it all, Colin. [Cut to Drunk uncle] He’s got everything. He’s got money, women, TV shows, plaza, miss America, orange hair. [Cut to Drunk uncle and Colin Jost] He’s perfect. He’s like a big old beautiful monopoly man.
Colin Jost: Okay. And what are your thoughts about Ben Carson?
Drunk uncle: I don’t want to talk about it.
Colin Jost: Okay, why is that?
Drunk uncle: Colin, please. He’s right there![Cut to Michael Che looking confused] [Cut to Drunk uncle and Colin Jost]
Colin Jost: Okay, alright. I hesitate to ask but what about Hillary Clinton?[Drunk uncle breaks his alcohol glass in his hand looking at Colin] [Drunk uncle raises his hand and from somewhere, he gets another glass of alcohol.] [Cut to Drunk uncle]
Drunk uncle: You were saying?[Cut to Drunk uncle and Colin Jost]
Colin Jost: Drunk uncle, you can’t behave like that.
Drunk uncle: [yelling] Yeah, I’m afraid of George Lopez. [Cut to Drunk uncle] [singing] So take these broken wing [singing by mumbling words] [Drunk uncle starts sobbing] [Cut to Drunk uncle and Colin Jost]
Colin Jost: Oh! Oh, no. Oh! Drunk uncle!
Drunk uncle: So, I’m not a celebrity, okay? [Cut to Drunk uncle] So I’m not Hamilton on Broadway, okay? So I’m not Mr. America. Here he is, Mr. America. So much glass on my hands. Please, that’s not me.
Colin Jost: Drunk uncle, I hesitate to say this, I think you might be a little too drunk.
Drunk uncle: He’s my president, Colin. Because he’s finally gonna get rid of all of the– all, every single one of–
Colin Jost: Wait, wait! Don’t! Don’t say it.
Drunk uncle: Crime, Colin. I was gonna say crime. He’s gonna get rid of crime man.
Colin Jost: Oh, okay.
Drunk uncle: Come on! Crime perpetrated by immigrants!
Colin Jost: Oh, my god! Drunk uncle, everyone! For Weekend Update, I’m Colin Jost
Michael Che: I’m Michael Che. Goodnight.