Jebidia Atkinson… Taran Killam[Starts with Michael Che in his set]
Michael Che: New seasons of the critically acclaimed series Mad Men and the Game of Thrones will begin soon. And many are saying we are in a golden age of television. Here with his reviews of some of these hit shows is a man who has been around longer than TV itself, 1860s newspaper critic, Jebidia Atkinson.[Jebidia Atkinson slides in] [cheers and applause]
Jebidia Atkinson: Thank you Michael, for that [sarcastically] enthusiastic introduction. So good to be back.
Michael Che: So, Jebidia, have you been keeping up with all these big TV shows?
Jebidia Atkinson: Of course I have, Michael. And as always, you’ll find my reviews to be perfectly moderate and totally rational.
Michael Che: You know, I was worried about that.[Cut to Jebidia Atkinson]
Jebidia Atkinson: [clears throat] [yellng] All TV is excument. Mad Men, the most likeable character in this show is cigarettes. Hey AMC, if I wanted to know what life is like in the 1960s, I’d move to Indiana. Oh! I’ve been around a long time, it’s never been a great state.
Game of Thrones, oh great! A softcore porn with 100 hours of back story. At least in porn, you know how it’s gonna finish. Oh, and George R. R. Martin, you better hurry up and write those books, because from the look of you, winter is coming.
And House of Cards. The only thing lazier than the writing is Kevin Spacey’s attempt to solve the accent. Uh! And when he makes those turns to camera, I haven’t witnesses shots that jarring since the assassination of Archduke Franz Ferdinand.[Cut to Jebidia Atkinson and Michael Che]
Michael Che: Wait, Jebidia. You were at the even that started World War I?
Jebidia Atkinson: Of course I was, Michael. But I prefer the sequel.
Michael Che: Come on! Jebi–
Jebidia Atkinson: Oh, what? World War II wasn’t a better war?
Michael Che: That’s pretty harsh, man! There must be some shows that you do like.
Jebidia Atkinson: [yelling] I haven’t liked any television ever! [Cut to Jebidia Atkinson] It’s been 80 years of mind-poisoning rrrefuse, and I’ve rrrrreviewed it all! Herrrrre. Refuse from the archives.[Cut to Jebidia Atkinson and Michael Che]
Michael Che: I’m listening.
Jebidia Atkinson: Thanks. [Cut to Jebidia Atkinson] I want your full attention, Michael. The West Wing, the best lines on that show are the ones that went up Sorkin’s nose. Next! [Jebidia Atkinson throws the flash card he has.]
Good distance on that one.
Cheers, where everybody knows your name, from the AA meetings. Next!
Oh, and Lost! Sure it started out good, but I haven’t seen a final season that bad since Joe Paterno’s.
Oh! Oh! Oh! If you don’t like that joke, just do as Joe did in “Turn A Blind Eye”.
Michael Che: Come on! You don’t like anything on TV? What about like a classic comedy? Like Seinfeld?
Jebidia Atkinson: Ah! Seinfeld. I’d rather watch Michael Richards do stand up at the Apollo. [Cut to Jebidia Atkinson] That’s right. I haven’t forgiven him yet. Hey Kramer, I can say an N word too… Next! [Jebidia Atkinson throws the flash card he has.] Keep that for souvenir.
Saturday Night Live. The same tired characters repeating the same tired catch phrases. Next!
The Honeymooners. A greedy depiction of a bus driver from the slums who abuses his wife. It’s a comedy? [Cut to Jebidia Atkinson and Michael Che] And who is the genius who said, “Oh, this is great. Let’s turn it into a cartoon, set it in the stone age when women had it even harder time?”[Cut to Jebidia Atkinson]
And now, we come to the worst television show of all time, I Love Lucy. But I don’t think I should do this joke after the audience rioted over the Paterno joke.
Michael Che: You know what? I don’t think you should–
Jebidia Atkinson: [interrupting and yelling] Well, I’m going to, Michael! It’s my thing.[Cut to Jebidia Atkinson]
I Love Lucy. Hey, Lucy, you got some explaining to do like why you’d stay married to a man who rafted over from Cuba just to crush your dreams? They should have called this show, “I Love Lucy’s Ability To Get Me A Green Card.”[Cut to Jebidia Atkinson and Michael Che]
Michael Che: Jebidia Atkinson, everybody! For Weekend Update, I’m Michael Che.
Colin Jost: I’m Colin Jost. Goodnight.