Weekend Update Laura Parsons Says News

Michael Che

Laura Parsons… Vanessa Bayer

[Starts with Michael Che in his set]

Michael Che: We recently asked a few kids to audition for our news casters of tomorrow’s segment. This week’s winner is a 12 year old actress who starred in the upcoming Disney TV movie Three, Two, One Recess, here’s Laura Parsons.

[Laura Parsons slides in]

Laura Parsons: Hello, Che. It’s so great to be here.

[singing] News, talking about news
Hey, Michael Che, did you hear today?
it’s all about news

Michael Che: Okay, so far, so cute. Alright, now do you have some headlines for us Laura?

Laura Parsons: I sure do. Are you ready?

Michael Che: I am.

[Cut to Laura Parsons]

Laura Parsons: This week Donald Trump said he wants to create a database of Muslims which many on the left are comparing to what happened in Nazi Germany.

[Cut to Laura Parsons and Michael Che]

Michael Che: Alright, that’s a very adult story Laura. Do you have– do you even know what you’re talking about at all?

[Cut to Laura Parsons]

Laura Parsons: Not really. No, I just memorized the script. Like they say in newsies, I don’t make the news, I just report it fella!

[Cut to Laura Parsons and Michael Che]

Michael Che: Alright, well do you have anything with little laughter?

Laura Parsons: Sure! Study show that thanksgiving excitement is on the rise.

Michael Che: Well, I like that.

[Cut to Laura Parsons]

Laura Parsons: Also on the rise, the death rates of middle age white Americans which has skyrocketed due to substance abuse and liver disease. The only time death rates were higher was a small spike in the 80s due to AIDS!

Michael Che: Laura!

[Cut to Laura Parsons and Michael Che]

Laura Parsons: Speaking of AIDS, do you know Charlie Sheen?

Michael Che: Oh god!

Laura Parsons: He is so funny, and he’s got HIV!

Michael Che: Do you even know what HIV is?

[Cut to Laura Parsons]

Laura Parsons: I sure do. It’s when you’re whole body goes, “Oh boy!” Speaking of boys, Jared Fogle.

[Cut to Laura Parsons and Michael Che]

Michael Che: Oh! Okay, Laura! Laura! I think we’re good. You did a great job. You really did.

Laura Parsons: I did?

Michael Che: Yes.

Laura Parsons: Great. Extra, extra, I did a great job.

[singing] And that’s in the news

Michael Che: Laura Parsons, everyone!

Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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