Michael Che
Laura Parsons… Vanessa Bayer
[Starts with Michael Che in his set]
Michael Che: We recently asked a few kids to audition for our news casters of tomorrow’s segment. This week’s winner is a 12 year old actress who starred in the upcoming Disney TV movie Three, Two, One Recess, here’s Laura Parsons.
[Laura Parsons slides in]
Laura Parsons: Hello, Che. It’s so great to be here.
[singing] News, talking about news
Hey, Michael Che, did you hear today?
it’s all about news
Michael Che: Okay, so far, so cute. Alright, now do you have some headlines for us Laura?
Laura Parsons: I sure do. Are you ready?
Michael Che: I am.
[Cut to Laura Parsons]
Laura Parsons: This week Donald Trump said he wants to create a database of Muslims which many on the left are comparing to what happened in Nazi Germany.
[Cut to Laura Parsons and Michael Che]
Michael Che: Alright, that’s a very adult story Laura. Do you have– do you even know what you’re talking about at all?
[Cut to Laura Parsons]
Laura Parsons: Not really. No, I just memorized the script. Like they say in newsies, I don’t make the news, I just report it fella!
[Cut to Laura Parsons and Michael Che]
Michael Che: Alright, well do you have anything with little laughter?
Laura Parsons: Sure! Study show that thanksgiving excitement is on the rise.
Michael Che: Well, I like that.
[Cut to Laura Parsons]
Laura Parsons: Also on the rise, the death rates of middle age white Americans which has skyrocketed due to substance abuse and liver disease. The only time death rates were higher was a small spike in the 80s due to AIDS!
Michael Che: Laura!
[Cut to Laura Parsons and Michael Che]
Laura Parsons: Speaking of AIDS, do you know Charlie Sheen?
Michael Che: Oh god!
Laura Parsons: He is so funny, and he’s got HIV!
Michael Che: Do you even know what HIV is?
[Cut to Laura Parsons]
Laura Parsons: I sure do. It’s when you’re whole body goes, “Oh boy!” Speaking of boys, Jared Fogle.
[Cut to Laura Parsons and Michael Che]
Michael Che: Oh! Okay, Laura! Laura! I think we’re good. You did a great job. You really did.
Laura Parsons: I did?
Michael Che: Yes.
Laura Parsons: Great. Extra, extra, I did a great job.
[singing] And that’s in the news
Michael Che: Laura Parsons, everyone!
