Leslie Jones[Starts with Colin Jost in his set]
Colin Jost: Golden Globe nominations were announced this week honoring the best in film and television. Here to comment is our own Leslie Jones.[Leslie Jones slides in] [cheers and applause]
Leslie Jones: Yeah! Merry Christmas you frothy glass of eggnog.
Colin Jost: Thank you. Welcome Leslie. Merry Christmas. So what do you think of this year’s nominees?
Leslie Jones: Man, I’m mad as hell, Colin. [Cut to Leslie Jones] I can’t believe the golden globe snub the greatest show on television, Breaking Bad.[Cut to Leslie Jones and Colin Jost]
Colin Jost: Okay, wait. Leslie–
Leslie Jones: Don’t interrupt me.
Colin Jost: Okay.
Leslie Jones: Okay? So the dad from Malcolm in the Middle gets cancer. He starts cooking meth. [Cut to Leslie Jones] Great idea, right? But his wife Skylar doesn’t approve. I mean Mr. White is making a million dollars a day, Colin. A day! And she still not happy. I’m like, “You need to get your ass your there and juggle them balls, bitch!” That is your purpose.[Cut to Leslie Jones and Colin Jost]
Colin Jost: Leslie, Breaking Bad came out seven years ago on AMC.
Leslie Jones: What the hell is AMC? Don’t they make hatchbacks or something like that? I can’t believe you ain’t telling me about Breaking Bad.
Colin Jost: What are you talking about? I told you about it all the time.
Leslie Jones: Man, I’m always trying to have sex with you. You think I hear you talk?[Cut to Leslie Jones] Anyway, Mr. White is making a million dollars a day. So, it got me thinking about my retirement. You know what I’m saying? So I enrolled myself in a nice cool chemistry class.
Colin Jost: Hold on, wait a second. Are you saying you’re gonna start making meth?
Leslie Jones: Eventually. [Cut to Leslie Jones] We haven’t got to the meth yet. We’re still making volcanoes. They won’t let us get to the good stuff. But I already stole all the beakers and the bunsen burners from the joint and I bought a RV and parked it our there by the tree.[Cut to Leslie Jones and Colin Jost]
Colin Jost: Wait a second. You’re saying you took a mobile meth lab, parked it under the Christmas tree of Rockefeller Center?
Leslie Jones: Yeah! The only thing I need now is emotionally damaged white boy. You wanna be my Jessie Jones?
Colin Jost: Of course, yes, I will be, Leslie. But I’m not emotionally damaged.
Leslie Jones: Oh, you will be when I’m finished with you.
Colin Jost: Okay. Leslie Jones, everyone!
Leslie Jones: Woo! We’re cooking it, baby!
Colin Jost: For Weekend Update, I’m Colin Jost
Michael Che: I’m Michael Che. Goodnight.