Leslie Jones[Starts with Colin Jost in his set]
Colin Jost: A new study shows that one in seven couples break up because of their behavior on social media. Here with her take is our relationship expert, Leslie Jones.[Leslie Jones slides in]
Leslie Jones: Woo! What’s up, Jost baby? How you dong?
Colin Jost: I don’t know. You tell me, Leslie. What’s going on?
Leslie Jones: Oh, yeah. I’m gonna. See, um, here’s my complain. Couples are always texting each other and on Facebook. Nobody writes love letters anymore.
Colin Jost: They don’t write love letters?
Leslie Jones: Well, maybe you do, you sexy cream sickle. Just wanna chump all the orange off and get to the cream. [Cut to Leslie Jones] No guys ever wrote me a love letter. So, I wrote one to this guy that I had a four year booty call with.[Cut to Leslie Jones and Colin Jost]
Colin Jost: I’m sorry. Four year booty call?
Leslie Jones: That’s what I said!
Colin Jost: Okay.[Cut to Leslie Jones]
Leslie Jones: To whom it may concern. [looking at the camera] And you know who you are. I miss you. I miss you every morning when I wake up. And I miss you– I miss sitting in front of your house wondering why the lights are on. Love, Leslie.[Cut to Leslie Jones and Colin Jost]
Colin Jost: I’m sorry. Why are you still writing him letter?
Leslie Jones: Coz he blocked me, Jost. I’ve been blocked! Can’t call, can’t text, can’t poke, can’t like. [Cut to Leslie Jones] [yelling]And it’s driving me crazy! Which is why I wrote this second letter.[Cut to Leslie Jones and Colin Jost]
Colin Jost: Oh, no, no, no.
Leslie Jones: Dear ass face! [Cut to Leslie Jones] How dare you block me? Coz you didn’t block me from paying your motel six bill when you lost your house. And you sure as hell didn’t block me from giving you that special thing you like doing halftime at sports center.[Cut to Leslie Jones and Colin Jost]
Colin Jost: Um, yes. Sports center doesn’t have a halftime.
Leslie Jones: You know, I thought I was down there a long time.
Colin Jost: Oh! [shaking head] [Cut to Leslie Jones]
Leslie Jones: But I still miss your sexy foreign accent saying, “Leslie, you are so sexy Leslie. [making noise]”[Cut to Leslie Jones and Colin Jost]
Colin Jost: That’s a person?[Cut to Leslie Jones]
Leslie Jones: You like Fox News or sex? I know its all lies, but it just can’t get enough.
Colin Jost: Okay, so now, what are you doing to get over this guy, Leslie?
Leslie Jones: I don’t know. Which is why I wrote this third letter… to myself.[Cut to Leslie Jones]
Dear Leslie, what the hell wrong with you? You still hung up on this loser? You live in New York and you are on Saturday Night Live. You need a man who appreciates Leslie Jones for who Leslie Jones is. Tall, loud and phenomenal in bed.
Colin Jost: And humble.[Cut to Leslie Jones and Colin Jost. Leslie Jones stares at Colin Jost] [Cut to Leslie Jones]
Leslie Jones: You need to date a man who puts other people before himself like a bodyguard or offensive lineman. So if there’s any offensive lineman out there, listen up. I’ll be your Tom Brady and deflate your balls all day!
Colin Jost: Leslie Jones, everybody!
Leslie Jones: [yelling] Unblock me! Unblock me!