Colin Jost
Leslie Jones
[Starts with Colin Jost in his set]Colin Jost: A new study shows that using smartphones and texting can really put a strain on relationships. Here with her take is our relationship expert, Leslie Jones.
[Leslie Jones slides in]Leslie Jones: Whoo! Ha-ha! Yeah! Thanks for having me, Colin.
Colin Jost: It’s great to see you. Now, you were filming the new Ghostbusters movie all summer, right?
Leslie Jones: Yes! I was. I was. But I wish I was Jost-busting! I ain’t afraid of no Jost!
Colin Jost: Leslie, now… [laughing] What do you think about texting in relationships?
Leslie Jones: Man! It’s tough, Colin. [Cut to Leslie Jones] I was at a party and this fine looking man comes up to me. And he starts talking to me, starts flirting with me, starts singing ‘Strangers in the night’ to me like a full psycho. So, you know I was feeling that. So, I gave my number. No big deal. Then, not only did he text me at 2:40 in the morning, he double text me.
[Cut to Leslie Jones and Colin Jost]Colin Jost: He double? What is double text?
Leslie Jones: Man! Okay! He text me [Cut to Leslie Jones] and before I can respond, he text me again. A.K.A. he wants the booty. So, I decided to play it cool and just text back something fun and flirty. “When you coming to get this ass?” Send!
[Cut to Leslie Jones and Colin Jost]Colin Jost: And then what? He just never responded?
Leslie Jones: Man, I wish. Instead, [Cut to Leslie Jones] he text me back the one text that no man should ever text a woman. “I just ain’t feeling you like that.” I had to read that, man! And when I read, I read out loud. So, my Uber driver was like, “Damn! That’s cold!”
[Cut to Leslie Jones and Colin Jost]Colin Jost: That is cold. Yes.
Leslie Jones: Oh, it gets worse. [Cut to Leslie Jones] Then he doubles down and texts me and says, “He still wants to be friends because I’m so funny.” Oh, so now I’m a clown? I’m one of those clowns that you don’t wanna have sex with?
[Cut to Leslie Jones and Colin Jost]Colin Jost: Leslie… Just keep going.
Leslie Jones: And let me tell you something, Colin. [Cut to Leslie Jones] Men should be feeling me like that. They always talk about how they want a strong woman who can stand on her own two feet. Well, here I am with massage 12 and I got my own money. I got you, boo! Hey, if you make me laugh, I’ll even write you off as a business expense. But don’t you ever text me, “I just ain’t feeling you like that.” You come and have sex with me and never call me back like a real gentleman!
[Cut to Leslie Jones and Colin Jost]Colin Jost: Now, I don’t know. I gotta say, Leslie. Now, you’re always kind of flirting and playing like you wanna sleep with me, but you don’t really feel like that.
Leslie Jones: Oh! Wait a minute! I wanna hit that! Oh, I wanna have sexuals with you Mr. Colin Jost. How am I being shuttle?
Colin Jost: Leslie Jones, everybody!
Leslie Jones: How am I being shuttle?
Michael Che: For Weekend Update, I’m Michael Che.
Colin Jost: I’m Colin Jost. Goodnight!
