Weekend Update Nicole

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Michael Che

Nicole… Sasheer Zamata

Riblet… Bobby Moynihan

[Starts with Michael Che in his set]

Michael Che: During the State of the Union, President Obama proposed the series of new measures to help the middle class get ahead. Here with her own tips on how to get your personal finances in order is Nicole, my ex girlfriend.

[Michael Che slides in]

Nicole: It’s a new year and if your personal finances aren’t where you want them, it’s a great time to start fresh and make changes.

Michael Che: Oh, what kind of changes, Nicole?

Nicole: Well, after our breakup, I joined a gym and I started journaling again and I feel like I’m really taking–

Michael Che: Nicole, I don’t really care about all of that. I mean…

Nicole: [angry voice] Wooooow!

Michael Che: Wait! That came out wrong.

Nicole: No, no, no, no! You’re right. Coz, why would you all of a sudden care about me?

[Michael Che sits quietly.]

Anyway, [Cut to Nicole] the first step is separating your assets from your liabilities because holding on to a bad investment for too long will do nothing but bring you down, [Cut to Nicole and Michael Che] Michael.

Michael Che: Nicole, are you serious right now?

Nicole: Number two, [Cut to Nicole] don’t wait too long to start saving for your future because that’s too little too late. Sort of like, bringing someone flowers a week after their birthday.

[Cut to Nicole and Michael Che]

Michael Che: Nicole, you liked flowers, first of all.

Nicole: Not from Walgreens. And they were still in the bag with a Red Bull and a Tinactin.

Number three, [Cut to Nicole] [yelling at Michael] when we were at Cancun, I asked you if you were seeing somebody. [Cut to Nicole and Michael Che] I asked if you were wasting my time. And you lied to my face.

Michael Che: There was nobody else. Ask Colin.

[Cut to Colin, Michael Che and Nicole. Nicole and Michael Che look at Colin] [Colin slowly slides away.]

Colin? Thanks dude!

[Cut to Nicole and Michael Che]

Nicole: Then why did I see you on Tinder?

Michael Che: Well, why were you on Tinder?

Nicole: To see if you were on Tinder.

Michael Che: [laughing] Can we just move along?

Nicole: Oh, I have moved a lot. I have a new man and I have never been happier.

Michael Che: Good. Great.

Nicole: Okay. Now, if you are settled with credit card debt, you need to–

Michael Che: [interrupting Nicole] Who?

Nicole: Who what?

Michael Che: I mean you said you’re seeing somebody. Who?

Nicole: [ignoring Michael Che] As I was saying–

Michael Che: [interrupting Nicole] I mean, I just think it’s weird that you’re already seeing someone and we just broke up. I mean, was it some kind of rebound thing?

[Riblet slides in]

Riblet: Uh, no. It’s kind of Riblet thing. Okay?

[Riblet puts his hand on Nicole’s shoulder.] [Cut to Nicole and Riblet]

Um, this just did, Che. I got your jorb. I got your girl. And I got another mic.

[Riblet drops the mic on the table] [Cut to Michael Che, Nicole and Riblet]

Michael Che: Who keeps giving him mics? Nicole and Riblet, everyone! For Weekend Update, I’m Michael Che.

Colin Jost: I’m Colin Jost. Goodnight.

Michael Che: Where were you, man?

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King is directing his fourteenth season of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him nine Emmys and thirteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for thirteen DGA Awards and won in 2014, 2016, 2017, 2018 and 2019. Mr. King is also the creative director of Broadway Worldwide which brings theatrical events to theaters. The company has produced Smokey Joe’s Café; Putting It Together with Carol Burnett; Jekyll & Hyde; and Memphis, all directed by Mr. King. He completed the screen capture of Broadway's Romeo & Juliet in 2013. - LinkedIn

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