Olya Povlatsky… Kate McKinnon[Starts with Colin Jost in his set]
Colin Jost: This week, the anti-doping agency suspended all Russian track and field athletes from international competition due to steroid use. Here to comment is a woman from remote village in Russia, Olya Povlatsky.[Olya slides in]
Olya: [singing] Oops, I did it again.
Got tricked by a goat
I gave him my clothes
Oh, stupid Olya
Colin Jost: Welcome back. [laughing] Welcome back. Now, can I ask what have you been up to since last time?
Olya: Oh, you know, just brunching and gabbing with my gal-pals.
Colin Jost: Really?[Cut to Olya]
Olya: No Colin, I live in Russia. I’ve been crying and screaming non-stop.[Cut to Olya and Colin Jost]
Colin Jost: Okay, are you disappointed to learn that the Russian track and field team has been doping for years?
Olya: Colin, can you really blame people in Russia for trying to run faster? [Cut to Olya] They’re just trying to get the hell out of there. And I say go for it. Run Borris, run.[Cut to Olya and Colin Jost]
Colin Jost: But Olya, okay, they cheated. You know? That’s illegal.
Olya: Oh Colin, you little nerd![Olya pats on Colin’s back]
Everybody cheats my friend. [Cut to Olya] Even I have cheated on my boyfriend. But I had good reason. The other guy is a real fox.[Cut to Olya and Colin Jost]
Colin Jost: Okay, what does he do?[Cut to Olya]
Olya: I don’t know. He shoves his little face in the dirt and tries to get in chicken coop. He’s a fox, Colin.
Colin Jost: And what do you think about the possibility that the Russian track and field team might be banned from the Summer Olympics in Rio De Janeiro?
Olya: Oh, it’s major bummer, Colin. [Cut to Olya] I wanted to go to Rio, baby! I was gonna lay out on the beach in my brand new three piece bikini.[Cut to Olya and Colin Jost]
Colin Jost: I’m sorry. What’s a three piece bikini?
Olya: Oh, it’s sexiest bikini in all of Russian. It’s shirt, pants and big heavy coat.
Colin Jost: Yeah. I be the guys love that.
Olya: Oh, they do, Colin. Plus, I have the best pickup line. [Cut to Olya] I walk up to a guy, I say, “Did you fall from heaven? If so, please tell me my babies are up there.”
Colin Jost: Well, even though you can’t go to Rio, at least you got to come to New York, right?
Olya: Oh, New York is great, Colin. I love walking around learning new English phrases. Like, what is that new phrase everyone in New York is saying? What is it? It’s like, “Oh my god, you haven’t seen Hamilton? You have to see Hamilton. Seriously, go see Hamilton. You have to see Hamilton.”[Cut to Olya and Colin Jost]
I hear that everywhere. I don’t know what it is.
Colin Jost: And will you still be in town for thanksgiving?[Cut to Olya]
Colin Jost: Thanksgiving. You know, the day where you sit around with your loved ones and say things you’re thankful for.
Olya: Oh! White people. [Cut to Olya] In Russia, we have a one holiday. Rock day. Everyone gets one big rock to throw at whoever they want. You know what I’m going to do this year with my rock?[Cut to Olya and Colin Jost]
Colin Jost: What?
Olya: I’m going to throw it straight in the air and stand under and scream, “Take me rock. Bunk me straight.”
Colin Jost: Oh, yeah. I think you need to cheer up.
Olya: Maybe you could tell me little joke. I love to laugh.
Colin Jost: You wanna hear a joke?
Olya: Yes. Tell me. Tell me please.
Colin Jost: Okay. Let’s see. Um, okay, I got one. Knock, knock.
Olya: [yelling] Ah! The wolves are at the door.
Colin Jost: Olya, everyone! For Weekend Update, I’m Colin Jost
Michael Che: I’m Michael Che. Goodnight.