Colin Jost
Pete Davidson
[Starts with Colin Jost in his set]
Colin Jost: A new report shows that he most commonly used passwords last year were ‘123456’ and ‘password’. Here to teach us all about the importance of strong cyber security is our own Pete Davidson.
[Pete Davidson slides in]
Pete Davidson: What’s up, Colin?
Colin Jost: What’s up? How are you?
Pete Davidson: The importance of strong cyber security, it can’t be overstated. [Cut to Pete Davidson] I mean it can prevent a lot of common problems like identity theft, or your girlfriend logging into your computer and finding a bunch of gay porn.
[Cut to Pete Davidson and Colin Jost]
Colin Jost: Oh, is that a common problem?
Pete Davidson: Alright, let me explain. [Cut to Pete Davidson] One night, I was really high… like most nights. And I was watching ‘The Wolf Of Wall Street’. And I just couldn’t stop looking at how attractive and beautiful Leonardo DeCaprio was. [Cut to Pete Davidson and Colin Jost] I mean like, he was always hot but now he’s like a golden statue version of Leonardo DeCaprio. [Cut to Pete Davidson] And I don’t think I would do it. But like, if he asks me, I might. Like, out of respect. So, you know, he’s the man. It’s Leo.
So, this made me think that I might be gay. So, this set off my anxiety and because if I turned out to be gay, I’d be really bad at it. You know, I mean look at me. I’m like the complete opposite of gay. I don’t mean straight. I mean gross! You’ve seen gay people, they’re beautiful. I might be like a straight 5 but I’m a gay 1.
[Cut to Pete Davidson to Colin Jost]
Colin Jost: Oh, come on, man! I don’t think it’d be that bad for you.
Pete Davidson: Yeah, it’s easy for you to say. You’re like a straight 8 and a gay 10.
[audience cheering]
Colin Jost: No, no.
Pete Davidson: He’s a gay 10. You’re beautiful.
Colin Jost: Don’t!
Pete Davidson: So, I needed to find out if I was gay. [Cut to Pete Davidson] So, my best thinking told me, why don’t I just watch a bunch of gay porn and see if I like it.
[Cut to Pete Davidson and Colin Jost]
Colin Jost: I’m sorry, that was your best thinking?
Pete Davidson: It was really good weed. [Cut to Pete Davidson] So first, I watched a little film called ‘Stud Horse 4’, and I didn’t like it… until I started to think maybe I didn’t like it because I haven’t watched Stud Horses 1, 2, 3. [Cut to Pete Davidson and Colin Jost] So, I watched the whole series and didn’t like it either. [Cut to Pete Davidson] And then I thought maybe this is just the wrong franchise for me. So, I watched all the big gay porn franchises like Jack Hammer Jose, Frat Boy Orgy, The Expendables. But I didn’t like any of them. So, I settled to question that I’m not gay. [Cut to Pete Davidson and Colin Jost] And everything was fine until a few days later my girlfriend decided to use my computer and look up Gmail, [Cut to Pete Davidson and Colin Jost] which starts with a ‘G’ and then a bunch of gay porn popped up. And then, my defense was, “Oh no! I’m just watching to make sure I’m not gay.” And she was like, “What?” And I was like, “No, I think you heard me wrong. I’m saying I was having doubts about my sexuality so I watched a bunch of gay porn for you.” And now I’m here.
[Cut to Pete Davidson and Colin Jost]
Colin Jost: Wait a second. Did you just write this Update so your girlfriend wouldn’t think you were gay?
Pete Davidson: [smiling] Pete Davidson, everybody!
Colin Jost: Pete Davidson, everybody!
[cheers and applause]
