Colin Jost
Pete Davidson
[Starts with Colin Jost in his set]
Colin Jost: Last week voters rejected the Houston equal rights ordinance which would have required businesses to allow transgender people access to the bathroom of their gender identity. Here with more on this is Pete Davidson.
[Pete Davidson slides in]
[cheers and applause]
Pete Davidson: Hey, how you doing? Yeah, apparently this anti-discrimination law was voted down because [Cut to Pete Davidson] some people claim it’s just an excuse to allow guys in women’s restrooms. You know? The theory is that men in their relentless quest to watch women go to the bathroom are going through years of hormones, surgery, changing their names, their wardrobe, coming out to their family, all for that big payoff of peeing in a room without urinals. What is this fantasy that they think is going on in there? There is not shirtless pillow fights. There is no disco ball.
I grew up with a mom and a sister, so I know a little something about sharing a room, like, a bathroom with women. It sucks. Nobody wants to hangout in there. Last week I accidentally walked in on my mom in the toilet and I don’t think we’re ever gonna speak again.
Even if for some reason you’re desperate to use women’s bathrooms, you don’t need a sex change to do it. You could just walk in. There’s no bouncer. The door is right there. Seriously, I’ve been using the ladies room here to poop for the last two months.
[Cut to Pete Davidson and Colin Jost]
Colin Jost: Yeah. We’ve actually gotten a lot of complaints.
Pete Davidson: Yeah, from me. It’s filthy in there. [Cut to Pete Davidson] I thought girls were supposed to be the clean ones. It looks like a man made out of toilet paper was murdered in there.
[Cut to Pete Davidson and Colin Jost]
Colin Jost: Then why do you keep using it?
Pete Davidson: Because it’s the only bathroom that has wifi. And Cecily has a beautiful singing voice. [Cut to Pete Davidson] That was my favorite line.
[Colin Jost laughing hard]
Look, you know why I’m not worried about a woman in the men’s room? Coz every sporting even I’ve ever been to, a girls has bursted in and said, “Line’s too long. I’m peeing in here.” And guess what? It didn’t ruin my pooping experience. If anything, it’s the only reason I washed my hands.
[Cut to Pete Davidson and Colin Jost]
Colin Jost: Pete Davidson, everyone!
