Colin Jost
Michael Che
Riblet… Bobby Moynihan
[Starts with Michael Che in his news set. There’s a picture of marijuana at right top corner.]Michael Che: Police in North Carolina say that a 12 pound package of marijuana washed up on a beach. For some perspective, this is what a 12 pound package of marijuana looks like. [Picture changes to a black music artist] [Cut to Colin Jost and Michael Che]
Colin Jost: Well, it’s our last Weekend Update of the season
Michael Che: Yeah, and for all the jokes we got to tell this year, we also cut a lot of jokes at dress rehearsal.
Colin Jost: Yeah. So, now what we’d like to do is resurrect one joke each that was cut earlier in the year. Okay, I’ll go first.
[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of a knife and a jar of salsa at left top corner.]Ohio police arrested a woman who allegedly stabbed her boyfriend for eating all of their salsa. Though you’d be angry too if your boyfriend was jalapeno business.
[Cut to Colin Jost and Michael Che]Michael Che: Alright, first of all I hate you for laughing at that. My joke got pulled after dress rehearsal because they said it was too offensive and way over the line, man! But it’s the last show of the season. And, what are they gonna do? So, I’m just gonna do it. Here we go.
[Cut to Michael Che. There is a Malaysian Airlines logo at right top corner.] [audience are already laughing]Another Malaysian Airlines plane–
Riblet:Â Too soon, Che! Too soon baby!
Michael Che: Oh, man! It’s my buddy from high school, Riblet, everybody!
Riblet: Go call for the comeback! Yo! It’s Riblet baby! Season 40 finale! Wad up?
Michael Che: Riblet! It’s the finale.
Riblet: I know.
Michael Che: Don’t ruin this for me.
Riblet: Oh, you ruined yourself, Che! Which is why Riblet has got you regulate! So clear my shot Che! Coz I’m about to do your jorb!
Michael Che: You could never do my jorb!
Riblet: Oh, I could not? Oh, really Che? Well, move over back because here comes something leaner!
[Cut to Riblet. There’s a picture of horse racing at right top corner.]Earlier today, Kentucky Derby winner American Pharoah won the Preakness Stakes. The second leg in horse racing’s triple crown. And he better win the third leg if he wants to keep all four legs.
[yelling] Oh! Shimi-shimi-ya-shimi-ya-shimi-yay!Give me your jorb so I can take it away!
What? What? What? What just went down? That was topical as hell! That horse is still running. I just did your jorb!
Michael Che: You did not do my job. You just read one cue card, man!
Riblet: Porfectly! I read one cue card porfectly! Now peep this Michael Che, coz I’m about to creep this!
[Cut to Riblet. There’s a picture of sandwiches at right top corner.]A new study finds that people who like grilled cheese sandwiches have more sex. This according to a grilled cheese sandwich I just ate at Che’s mama’s house!
[Cut to Michael Che and Riblet] [yelling] Oh! I just took your jorb!Michael Che: Alright, man! Look, there’s more to this job than just reading, okay? You gotta know about politics, social issues.
Riblet: Oh, you don’t think Riblet’s not about current affairs?
Michael Che: I don’t!
Riblet: Oh, you don’t?
Michael Che: I don’t!
Riblet: Oh, they call me Sneakers because I about to satisfy.
[Cut to Riblet. There’s a picture of $20 bill with a woman’s face on it.]The campaign to replace Andrew Jackson with a woman on the $20 bill is being called a significant step forward in gender equality. But if we wanna treat women as equals, we shouldn’t put them on money. We should pay them an equal amount of money. And Michael Che shouldn’t be paid at all!
[Cut to Michael Che and Riblet] [yelling] Oh! Oh, excuse me. Oh, waiter! [A waiter brings in a covered dish and leaves]Thank you. Here we go.
[Riblet opens the lid. There’s a mic.]How nice. It just got weird, because you just got served!
Michael Che: Riblet, ladies and gentlemen! For Weekend Update, I’m Michael Che!
Colin Jost: I’m Colin Jost. Goodnight!
