Weekend Update Ruth Bader Ginsberg

Colin Jost

Ruth Bader Ginsburg… Kate McKinnon

[Starts with Colin Jost in his set]

Colin Jost: In a recent interview, 81 year old Supreme Court Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg stated she has no intentions of retiring even though she is the oldest judge on the bench. Here now to comment is Ruth Bader Ginsburg.

[Ruth Bader Ginsburg slides in]

Ruth Bader Ginsburg: Woo! RBG in the house. Weekend Update, 2015, oh yeah!

[Ruth Bader Ginsburg is dancing]

Colin Jost: Wow, welcome. You seem very spry for 81.

Ruth Bader Ginsburg: Yeah, you’d be spry too if you had my morning routine. [Cut to Ruth Bader Ginsburg] 100 pushups, 100 laps in the bathtub, and then I do my P90X where I pee 90 times. You know, I might be the oldest judge on the bench, but that doesn’t mean I’m the closest to death. Have you seen Justice Scalia? It looks like he’s permanently hooked up to an IV bag of ball in the ice. Huh! Hey, Scalia, you just got Ginsburned!

[Cut to Ruth Bader Ginsburg and Colin Jost. Ruth Bader Ginsburg starts dancing again.]

Colin Jost: Justice Ginsburg, I gotta say that’s pretty harsh coming from you.

Ruth Bader Ginsburg: Yeah, I’m like a horsefly. You know, I bite hard and I look like a horsefly.

Colin Jost: Now, what about the State of the Union where you were caught sleeping?

[Cut to Ruth Bader Ginsburg]

Ruth Bader Ginsburg: No, I wasn’t sleeping. I was giving in to the weight of my glasses.

[Ruth Bader Ginsburg lower’s her head and sleeps]

[Cut to Ruth Bader Ginsburg and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: Um, sorry. Um, Justice Ginsburg?

Ruth Bader Ginsburg: What? Oh, no. I’m sorry. [Cut to Ruth Bader Ginsburg] I was having a disgusting dream about Bruno Mars. He was Up Town Funking me.

[Cut to Ruth Bader Ginsburg and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: Oh, my god! No, no, no. No, no, no.

Ruth Bader Ginsburg: I know it’s short, but I like my men like I like my decisions. Five-four. That’s a third degree Ginsburned!

[Ruth Bader Ginsburg starts dancing]

Colin Jost: Jutice Ginsburg, come on! You know?

Ruth Bader Ginsburg: Colin, you know what? I’m living every 81 year old’s dream. [Cut to Ruth Bader Ginsburg] I get paid to sit on a bench all day and judge people. But, you know how weird it is to be 81 years old and actually have people listen to what you say?

[Cut to Ruth Bader Ginsburg and Colin Jost]
Colin Jost: Okay, well the Chief Justice of Alabama actually said he won’t listen to your ruling on marriage equality.

Ruth Bader Ginsburg: Uh! [Cut to Ruth Bader Ginsburg] I expect that from Alabama, you know? They never recognize the ruling on incest either. The verdict is in, you’ve been Ginsburned!

[Ruth Bader Ginsburg starts dancng]

Colin Jost: Oh, my god! Oh, no, no, no, no. RBG! RBG!

Ruth Bader Ginsburg: What? Look! It doesn’t matter what Alabama does, okay? [Cut to Ruth Bader Ginsburg] Coz when I get a hold of that gay marriage ban, ouf! It’s gonna fall faster than Madonna at the Brit Awards! They say justice is blind but anybody can see, Ya-burned!

[Ruth Bader Ginsburg starts dancing]

Colin Jost: No! Ruth Bader Ginsburg, everybody!

[cheers and applause]