Weekend Update Second and Third hand news

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Colin Jost

Anthony Crispino… Bobby Moynihan

Angelo… Ryan Gosling

[Starts with Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: Well, there’s a lot of news in the news this week. [Michael Che laughing] Here to talk about the news he heard second hand is our second hand news correspondant, Anthony Crispino.

[Anthony slides in and hits Colin Jost]

Anthony: Hey, sorry. Sorry about that. Hey, wow! Wow!

Colin Jost: Came in hot?

Anthony: Came in hot there! Hey, it’s good to be back.

Colin Jost: Good to have you, man.

Anthony: Thank you. Thank you. Look at this guy, million dollar smile, two dollar tie.

Colin Jost: Okay. I feel like it’s a kind of a nice–

[Anthony suddenly grabs Colin Jost’s collar]

Anthony: Hey!

Colin Jost: [scared] Ah!

Anthony: I’m breaking balls, Colin! Come on! [Anthony suddenly grabs Colin Jost’s collar again] Whoop! I got you again!

[Anthony looking around]

So, you hear about this thing, though?

Colin Jost: No. What thing?

Anthony: A lot of stuff going on. This is crazy. Apparently, Sting can’t perform concerts in Chicago no more.

Colin Jost: Sting can’t perform in Chicago?

Anthony: Yeah. Yeah, yeah. Coz they got rid of the head of the police.

Colin Jost: No. It’s not–

Anthony: No, it’s true.

Colin Jost: It’s not the band police. They got rid of the actual police chief.

[Cut to Anthony]

Anthony: Um…… pretty sure it was Sting though, Colin. You know, because the mayor was like, “Ay, don’t stand so close to me.” [Cut to Anthony and Colin Jost] You know, that’s what–

Colin Jost: Alright. And who did you hear that from?

Anthony: Who did I hear that from?

Colin Jost: Yeah.

Anthony: I heard it from my lotion guy. Slippery Gary.

Colin Jost: Okay!

Anthony: Yeah. Yeah. Good guy. Smart guy.

Colin Jost: He’s a good guy?

Anthony: He’s a great guy. He knows a lot about lotions.

Colin Jost: I really think slippery Gary is misinformed.

Anthony: Okay, alright. Well, you think he is misinformed, you should talk to my third hand news guy.

Colin Jost: I’m sorry. Third hand news?

Anthony: Um, yeah. He gets all his news from me. Hey, Angelo! Get out here.

[Angelo slides in] [cheers and applause] [Anthony and Angelo are looking around. They’re wearing same outfit.]

Angelo: Oh, hey there Colin. Where did you get that tie, huh? The bad store?

Anthony: Oh!

[laughing] [Anthony suddenly grabs Colin Jost’s collar as he’s laughing]

Colin Jost: Angelo, what have you heard?

Angelo: Oh, well, you know, you hear about this thing though? You hear about this thing though?

Colin Jost: No.

Angelo: Huge movie coming out.

Anthony: Yeah, huge!

Colin Jost: Which movie?

Anthony: Huge.

Angelo: Yeah, huge. Called, “Star Wars and the four Jamaicans.”

Anthony: Yep.

Colin Jost: No, that’s not it.

Anthony: Star Wars and the four Jamaicans.

Colin Jost: No, it’s not. It’s “The Force Awakens.”

Anthony and Angelo: Um…… pretty sure it’s the Jamaicans, though.

Anthony: Yeah, you know. And there’s four of them. Like, cool runnings. And they always say, “Ay, Luke use the force, man!” You know? It’s crazy.

Angelo: Yeah, and it was directed by Jar Jar Abrahams.

Anthony: Yeah, great director. Great. Good guy.

Angelo: Good guy. It’s like, you know, he said, “Me so wanna direct a movie.”

Anthony: Me so wanna direct a movie.

Colin Jost: That is not accurate.

Anthony: You know, it’s a big time right now in the pop culture.

Colin Jost: Okay.

[Cut to Anthony and Angelo]

Anthony:  You hear about this thing though?

Angelo: Yea, yea, yea. Yep.

Anthony: Yea, Charlie Sheen.

Angelo: The Charlie Sheen. He’s got the HBO.

Anthony: He’s got the HBO.

Angelo: He’s got the HBO. He’s not gonna watch Showtime.

Anthony: No more Showtime.

Angelo: No more.

Anthony: He has just canceled it, man! You know, and you know who is breaking every music record right now?

Colin Jost: Who’s that?

Anthony: It’s the Del Dude. Yeah.

[Cut to Colin Jost, Anthony and Angelo]

Colin Jost: No. It’s Adele.

Angelo: Colin, you gotta get a Del.

Anthony: You gotta get one Colin.

Angelo: Get a Del.

Anthony: Get a Del, Colin. Please! Please! You know, and the biggest news, the new song right now?

Angelo: Oh, the biggest song right now, it’s about Bill Cosby. Yes.

Anthony: Yeah, Bill Cosby.

Colin Jost: There’s a song about Bill Cosby?

Angelo: Hey got a song about Bill Cosby. It’s called “Jello, it’s me.”

Colin Jost: Alright, you both need to go!

Anthony and Angelo: Um…… pretty sure we don’t, Colin.

Colin Jost: You do. Leave.

Anthony and Angelo: Um…… pretty sure…

Colin Jost: Go!

Anthony and Angelo: Um…… [someone brings in a hot whistling kettles.] pretty sure.

Colin Jost: Anthony Crispino and Angelo everyone! For Weekend Update, I’m Colin Jost.

Michael Che: I’m Michael Che. Goodnight.

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King is directing his fourteenth season of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him nine Emmys and thirteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for thirteen DGA Awards and won in 2014, 2016, 2017, 2018 and 2019. Mr. King is also the creative director of Broadway Worldwide which brings theatrical events to theaters. The company has produced Smokey Joe’s Café; Putting It Together with Carol Burnett; Jekyll & Hyde; and Memphis, all directed by Mr. King. He completed the screen capture of Broadway's Romeo & Juliet in 2013. - LinkedIn

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