Colin Jost
Anthony Crispino… Bobby Moynihan
Angelo… Ryan Gosling
[Starts with Colin Jost]
Colin Jost: Well, there’s a lot of news in the news this week. [Michael Che laughing] Here to talk about the news he heard second hand is our second hand news correspondant, Anthony Crispino.
[Anthony slides in and hits Colin Jost]
Anthony: Hey, sorry. Sorry about that. Hey, wow! Wow!
Colin Jost: Came in hot?
Anthony: Came in hot there! Hey, it’s good to be back.
Colin Jost: Good to have you, man.
Anthony: Thank you. Thank you. Look at this guy, million dollar smile, two dollar tie.
Colin Jost: Okay. I feel like it’s a kind of a nice–
[Anthony suddenly grabs Colin Jost’s collar]
Anthony: Hey!
Colin Jost: [scared] Ah!
Anthony: I’m breaking balls, Colin! Come on! [Anthony suddenly grabs Colin Jost’s collar again] Whoop! I got you again!
[Anthony looking around]
So, you hear about this thing, though?
Colin Jost: No. What thing?
Anthony: A lot of stuff going on. This is crazy. Apparently, Sting can’t perform concerts in Chicago no more.
Colin Jost: Sting can’t perform in Chicago?
Anthony: Yeah. Yeah, yeah. Coz they got rid of the head of the police.
Colin Jost: No. It’s not–
Anthony: No, it’s true.
Colin Jost: It’s not the band police. They got rid of the actual police chief.
[Cut to Anthony]
Anthony: Um…… pretty sure it was Sting though, Colin. You know, because the mayor was like, “Ay, don’t stand so close to me.” [Cut to Anthony and Colin Jost] You know, that’s what–
Colin Jost: Alright. And who did you hear that from?
Anthony: Who did I hear that from?
Colin Jost: Yeah.
Anthony: I heard it from my lotion guy. Slippery Gary.
Colin Jost: Okay!
Anthony: Yeah. Yeah. Good guy. Smart guy.
Colin Jost: He’s a good guy?
Anthony: He’s a great guy. He knows a lot about lotions.
Colin Jost: I really think slippery Gary is misinformed.
Anthony: Okay, alright. Well, you think he is misinformed, you should talk to my third hand news guy.
Colin Jost: I’m sorry. Third hand news?
Anthony: Um, yeah. He gets all his news from me. Hey, Angelo! Get out here.
[Angelo slides in]
[cheers and applause]
[Anthony and Angelo are looking around. They’re wearing same outfit.]
Angelo: Oh, hey there Colin. Where did you get that tie, huh? The bad store?
Anthony: Oh!
[laughing]
[Anthony suddenly grabs Colin Jost’s collar as he’s laughing]
Colin Jost: Angelo, what have you heard?
Angelo: Oh, well, you know, you hear about this thing though? You hear about this thing though?
Colin Jost: No.
Angelo: Huge movie coming out.
Anthony: Yeah, huge!
Colin Jost: Which movie?
Anthony: Huge.
Angelo: Yeah, huge. Called, “Star Wars and the four Jamaicans.”
Anthony: Yep.
Colin Jost: No, that’s not it.
Anthony: Star Wars and the four Jamaicans.
Colin Jost: No, it’s not. It’s “The Force Awakens.”
Anthony and Angelo: Um…… pretty sure it’s the Jamaicans, though.
Anthony: Yeah, you know. And there’s four of them. Like, cool runnings. And they always say, “Ay, Luke use the force, man!” You know? It’s crazy.
Angelo: Yeah, and it was directed by Jar Jar Abrahams.
Anthony: Yeah, great director. Great. Good guy.
Angelo: Good guy. It’s like, you know, he said, “Me so wanna direct a movie.”
Anthony: Me so wanna direct a movie.
Colin Jost: That is not accurate.
Anthony: You know, it’s a big time right now in the pop culture.
Colin Jost: Okay.
[Cut to Anthony and Angelo]
Anthony: You hear about this thing though?
Angelo: Yea, yea, yea. Yep.
Anthony: Yea, Charlie Sheen.
Angelo: The Charlie Sheen. He’s got the HBO.
Anthony: He’s got the HBO.
Angelo: He’s got the HBO. He’s not gonna watch Showtime.
Anthony: No more Showtime.
Angelo: No more.
Anthony: He has just canceled it, man! You know, and you know who is breaking every music record right now?
Colin Jost: Who’s that?
Anthony: It’s the Del Dude. Yeah.
[Cut to Colin Jost, Anthony and Angelo]
Colin Jost: No. It’s Adele.
Angelo: Colin, you gotta get a Del.
Anthony: You gotta get one Colin.
Angelo: Get a Del.
Anthony: Get a Del, Colin. Please! Please! You know, and the biggest news, the new song right now?
Angelo: Oh, the biggest song right now, it’s about Bill Cosby. Yes.
Anthony: Yeah, Bill Cosby.
Colin Jost: There’s a song about Bill Cosby?
Angelo: Hey got a song about Bill Cosby. It’s called “Jello, it’s me.”
Colin Jost: Alright, you both need to go!
Anthony and Angelo: Um…… pretty sure we don’t, Colin.
Colin Jost: You do. Leave.
Anthony and Angelo: Um…… pretty sure…
Colin Jost: Go!
Anthony and Angelo: Um…… [someone brings in a hot whistling kettles.] pretty sure.
Colin Jost: Anthony Crispino and Angelo everyone! For Weekend Update, I’m Colin Jost.
Michael Che: I’m Michael Che. Goodnight.
