Tom Brady… Taran Killam
Michael Che[Starts with Michael Che in his set]
Michael Che: The NFL has suspended Tom Brady for four games without pay due to findings that it is more than probable Brady knew about the deflation of the game balls. Here to comment, it’s Tom Brady.[Tom Brady slides in] [Cheers and applause]
Tom Brady: Hello and good evening, Michael. Looking sharp. Let’s have a great interview.
Michael Che: Yes. Let’s. Tom, I’m gonna ask you the hard questions, okay? Did you know they were letting air out of those balls?[Cut to Tom Brady]
Tom Brady: Oh, well. I can’t speak to that at this time, Michael. But I do want what’s best for the team and America, and all of you.[Cut to Colin Jost laughing]
Colin Jost: Aw![Cut to Michael Che and Tom Brady]
Michael Che: Jost! Don’t do that! Tom, I’m gonna tell you right now. That Brady charm is not gonna work on me. Okay? These are serious allegations. Do you think punishment is deserved?[Cut to Tom Brady]
Tom Brady: It’s a great question, Michael. Asked by a great guy! But if I’m being honest, [laughing] I’m sorry. I’m still cracking up over Jost’s Jeb Bush joke.
Colin Jost: Thanks Tom.[Cut to Tom Brady]
Tom Brady: Ah, please call me Tommy.[Cut to Colin Jost laughing]
Colin Jost: Okay.[Cut to Michael Che and Tom Brady]
Michael Che: Tom, stop trying to distract us and just answer the questions, man! Do you think you will win the appeal and get a reduced punishment?
Tom Brady: You know, [Cut to Tom Brady] Michael, I was asked that very same question by Evan, my favorite make a wish child.[Cut to Michael Che and Tom Brady]
Michael Che: Tom, you’re gonna stop being likable and answer my questions, okay? Do you feel any responsibility for the Patriots’ $1 million fine and loss of two draft picks?
Tom Brady: You know, it’s another great question, and I admire your passion. I know my wife does too.[Cut to Michael Che and Tom Brady]
Michael Che: Tom, I don’t — Wait! Gisele talks about me?
Tom Brady: That’s right. You know my wife?
Michael Che: Yeah, man! It’s Gisele.
Tom Brady: Oh, that’s right. To me, she’s just a mother of my greatest gifts. My American children.
Michael Che: Wait, no! You’re distracting us with your perfectness. Okay? You cheated. You got caught, alright? It’s basically proven. Just face it. Be a man!
Tom Brady: What kind of man is that, Michael? A man who was a back-up QB in college? Drafted 199th and worked his cute butt off? To win four Superbowls, five NVP awards and more post games seasons– more post season games than anyone in the NFL history?[Cut to Colin Jost clapping]
Colin Jost: Woo!
Tom Brady: Thank you.[Cut to Tom Brady]
Thank you. That was a rare Brady flub there, huh, Michael?[Cut to Michael Che and Tom Brady]
Do you have any idea what kind of pressure that brings, Michael?
The most! And when you’re under that kind of pressure, sure some air are gonna get squeezed out. But if you thing couple of ounces of air made all the difference in 45-7 win, then I’ve got one thing to say to you, I have no comment at this time and support our troops and god bless the USA.[Cut to Michael Che and Tom Brady]
Michael Che: Alright! Tom Brady, everyone!
Tom Brady: I’m a gorgeous closed book!
Michael Che: Yeah, we know you are.[Cut to Colin Jost wiping his tears of joy]