Michael Che
Willie… Kenan Thompson
[Starts with Michael Che in his set]
Michael Che: Well, it’s finally spring. And I for one, have not been in the best spirits. But here to cheer me up is the most optimistic guy I know, Willie.
[Willie slides in]
[cheers and applause]
Willie: Ay! Well, happy spring time, everybody! It’s my favorite season. Sun is out. The birds are chirping. It’s so nice, I wouldn’t sleep in doors even if I could.
Michael Che: Well, you have to sleep in doors? I mean outdoors?
Willie: I’ll get to it, Michael. Also, I have to. Coz it’s like they always say, “You gave your money to a conman, Willie.”
Michael Che: That’s not cheering me up, Willie. I’m sorry.
Willie: Oh, come on, Michael! Spring time is the best time. Easter will be here soon. [Cut to Willie] Reminds of me when I was a little boy looking for chocolate eggs around the house. I can still hear my grandma saying, “Get out that damn litter box, Willie.”
[Cut to Willie and Michael Che]
Michael Che: That’s disgusting.
Willie: Oh, come on! Little cat doukie can’t hurt you.
Michael Che: Yeah, man! It can.
Willie: But it’s baseball season, Michael!
Michael Che: What?
[Cut to Willie]
Willie: Takes me back to when I was 6 years old. And my daddy took me down to Yankee stadium for my first ball game. I was so excited. He looked me and said, “Son, look at that in the field. That’s Micky Mantle. He’s sleeping with your mother and I’m gonna shoot him.”
[Cut to Willie and Michael Che]
Michael Che: These are terrible memories, man!
Willie: Oh, but that’s the point, Michael.
Michael Che: What is? How is that the point?
Willie: Spring is about new beginnings. A fresh start. Rebirth!
Michael Che: Okay.
Willie: You know who loved spring? My old dog Lucias.
Michael Che: Oh no.
[Cut to Willie]
Willie: I had let him off the lease and he just ran as far as he could. I can still hear his barking getting thinner and thinner as those wolves dragged him off into the woods. But it’s like they always say, “Wolves raped your dog again, Willie.”
[Cut to Willie and Michael Che]
Michael Che: Willie, so none of these memories bum you out?
Willie: Well, I wouldn’t say that. Spring time does make me feel a little lonely. I do miss my wife.
Michael Che: Oh, I’m sorry, man.
Willie: It’s my own fault. [Cut to Willie] I bet she’d still be with me today if I had just listened when she said, “Hit the brakes, Willie!” But, you know what, Michael? It’s better to have loved and lost than to have to never wanna drag race.
[Cut to Willie and Michael Che]
Michael Che: Hey, man! If you ever get too lonely, you can always call me.
[Cut to Willie crying]
Willie: Friendship is the most important thing in the world to me. Coz it’s like I always say, “There ain’t no god!”
[Cut to Willie and Michael Che]
Michael Che: Willie, everybody.
Willie: That’s me. For Weekend Update, I’m Michael Che.
Colin Jost: I’m Colin Jost. Goodnight!
