Weekend Update Willie on Graduation


Michael Che

Willie… Kenan Thompson

[Starts with Michael Che in his set]

Michael Che: Well, it’s almost graduation which can be a bitter sweet time for a lot of students. So, here to cheer up anyone feeling down about graduating is the most optimistic guy I know, Willie.

[Willie slides in]

Willie: Ay! What’s up, Michael?

Michael Che: How are you doing?

Willie: Hey, everybody! Boy I just love graduation time. No more pencils. No more books. No more breakfast. No more lunch.

Michael Che: I get. Willie, leaving school can be a very scary time for a lot of kids.

[Cut to Willie]

Willie: Oh! But there’s nothing to be worried about, Michael. It’s like my teachers used to always say, there ain’t a bus short enough for you, Willie!

[Cut to Willie and Michael Che]

Michael Che: Then, you miss all of your friends?

Willie: Yeah. Of course I did. But friends don’t always exist.

Michael Che: What?

[Cut to Willie]

Willie: Reminds me of when I went to prom with my high school sweetheart Lauren. I can still see it now. Two young, crazy, fun loving kids… jumped me in the parking lot and stole my car. But it’s like they always say, “Lauren set you up, Willie!”

[Cut to Willie and Michael Che]

Michael Che: That really happened to you, man?

Willie: It happened to all of us.

Michael Che: No.

Willie: Well sure, [Cut to Willie] maybe I wasn’t the smartest kid in school, but I graduated. And I even got to give a speech in my graduation. I was so nervous. I had to imagine everybody was throwing tomatoes at me.

[Cut to Willie and Michael Che]

Michael Che: Why would you imagine that?

Willie: Because they were throwing batteries at me, Michael! [Cut to Willie] But it’s like they always say, “You supposed to be wearing clothes under that robe, Willie!”

[Cut to Willie and Michael Che]

Michael Che: That sounds terrible, man!

Willie: But you know who loves school the most?

Michael Che: No.

Willie: My old dog Lucias. Yeah! He was the most popular dog in his obedient school. That’s right. [Cut to Willie] Seemed like there wasn’t one dog in that school that old Lucias didn’t run off to play with. They’d go play in the park, on the dog beds, or in the broom closet. But it’s like those trainers used to always say, “Your dog’s spreading Chlamydiae, Willie!”

[Cut to Willie and Michael Che]

Michael Che: Willie, it seems like you went through a lot and you still like graduations. I mean, none of these things bum you out?

Willie: Well, I do get a little down when I think about my old classmates. I never forget the last thing they said to me. “You locked us in here with the shooter, Willie!”

Michael Che: Oh, no! Willie, everybody! For Weekend Update, I’m Michael Che!

Colin Jost: I’m Colin Jost. Goodnight.

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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