Willie… Kenan Thompson
Woodrow… Tracy Morgan[Starts with Michael Che in his set]
Michael Che: Well, Halloween [laughing] is right around the corner and I for one am not looking forward to it. But here to give me in the spirit is my neighbor, Willie.[Willie slides in]
Willie: Happy Halloween, everybody. Trick or treat, smell my foot.
Michael Che: You mean feet?
Willie: Not anymore, I don’t.
Michael Che: Oh, man!
Willie: Oh, this is one of my favorite times in a year, Michael. Did you buy a costume yet?
Michael Che: I’m not buying a costume, Willie.
Willie: Oh, so you’re gonna make your own? That’s smart. [Cut to Willie] Last year I dressed up in my bed sheets and went as a spooky white yellow ghost. But it’s like they always say, “That sheet still wet, Willie.”[Cut to Willie and Michael Che]
Michael Che: I meant I’m not dressing up at all, Willie. I don’t even like Halloween.
Willie: But aren’t you excited about all the delicious Halloween candies, Michael? [Cut to Willie] Um-um. I can taste them now. Necco wafers, raisins, duck salt’s packets, rubber bands.[Cut to Willie and Michael Che]
Michael Che: That’s not even candy, dude!
Willie: You know, every Halloween, my daddy would bring me to his favorite pumpkin patch up state. And he’d pick out the biggest, roundest pumpkin there. [Cut to Willie] We’d take it home, wash it. He’d carve a cute little face on to it, dress it up in a cute little wig and a cute little costume, turn it around, carve out a cute little hole in the back…
Michael Che: Oh, come on!
Willie: And then send of off to bed early.[Cut to Willie and Michael Che]
Michael Che: Come on, man!
Willie: It’s like they always say, “Your daddy’s drilling those pumpkins Willie. It ain’t natural.”
Michael Che: Dude! These are like, horrible memories.
Willie: Oh, well, you know what I love the most? Haunted houses. [Cut to Willie] Every block has a spooky old place. And in my old neighborhood, it belonged to old man Jeff Dahmer. Boys were always running out of there terrified. And my job was to push them back in.
Michael Che: You worked there, Willie?
Willie: Well, it wasn’t the most glamorous job in the world. But work is work. [Cut to Willie] Plus, I always got a free home cooked meal.[Cut to Willie and Michael Che]
But you know who loved Halloween? My old dog Lucias. [Cut to Willie] He was always trying to scare me with his spooky prank whether he be hanging from the door by his lease licking himself, or hanging from the coat rack by his lease licking himself, or hanging from the ceiling fan by his lease licking himself…[Cut to Willie and Michael Che]
Michael Che: Willie, I get it man!
Willie: It’s like they always say, “That’s learned behavior, Willie!”
Michael Che: Willie, how are you able to stay this positive, despite going through all these horrible things?
Willie: Well, Michael, I’m looking up to have a help of the most accomplished and accredited life coach in the world.
Michael Che: Really?
Willie: Yeah. It costs me every dime I have but it’s worth every cent. Come on out here Woodrow .[Woodrow slides in] [cheers and applause]
Woodrow: [speaking on the phone] I’ll call you back, Opra. I’m with the client.
Michael Che: Willie, this guys is not a life coach.[Cut to Willie and Woodrow]
Woodrow: Yes, I am. I have my degree right here.[Woodrow puts a deodorant on the table] [Cut to Michael Che, Willie and Woodrow]
Michael Che: That’s just deodorant, man!
Willie: Well, now, Michael, let’s be respectful.
Michael Che: I’m just saying.
Woodrow: No, Willie, he is right. I’m not a big shot life coach and that wasn’t really Opra on the phone. I guess I made it up so you would like me. I’m just a big fat phony.
Willie: Oh! Woodrow, you’re not a phony. You saved my life.[Woodrow looks at Willie]
Willie: Yeah. Reminds me of that song that you taught me.[music playing] [singing] Little TV sets
going off inside my ears
Woodrow: Spacemen floating by
Willie and Woodrow: Chased the demons lightly
music hits your eye
up and down the sidewalk
take a doo-doo pie
I love you.
Michael Che: Willie and Woodrow, everybody. For Weekend Update, I’m Michael Che.
Colin Jost: I’m Colin Jost. Goodnight.