Kellyanne Conway… Kate McKinnon
Jake … Beck Bennett
[Starts with “A Day Off with Kellyanne Conway” video bumper]
[music playing]
[Cut to Kellyanne Conway waking up in her bed. Subtitle reading “Starring Trump Campaign Manager Kellyanne Conway”]
[Kellyanne Conway looks at the calendar showing ‘day off’ and she gets excited]
[Kellyanne Conway is getting down the stairs dancing]
[Kellyanne Conway’s phone ringing]
[Kellyanne Conway looks at the phone and gets upset]
[Cut to CNN Breaking News video bumper]
[Cut to Jake in his news set]
Jake: Breaking news. Donald Trump has tweeted yet again that Hillary Clinton cheated on her husband. [Cut to split screen with Jake and Kellyanne Conway] Kellyanne, how do you defend this tweet?
Kellyanne Conway: Jake, that’s unfair coz what Mr. Trump was getting at here, it clearly is not that Hillary cheated on Bill, but that she has been cheating the American people for decades.
[Cut to Jake]
Jake: But that’s not what the tweet said.
[Cut to Kellyanne Conway]
Kellyanne Conway: I think if you really look at it, if you read the whole tweet, that is what it said.
[Cut to split screen with Jake and Kellyanne Conway]
Jake: Okay, well thank you for coming in on your day off.
Kellyanne Conway: Of course.
[music playing]
[Cut to Kellyanne Conway running at the park]
[Kellyanne Conway meets her friends and is doing yoga]
[Kellyanne Conway’s phone rings and she leaves]
[Cut to CNN Breaking News video bumper]
[Cut to Kellyanne Conway]
Kellyanne Conway: Okay Jake, so this tweet is actually taken out of context. Of course Mr. Trump thinks that Mexicans can read [Cut to split screen with Jake and Kellyanne Conway. Jake is looking very sleepy] and actually what he wants them to read the most is Hillary Clinton’s 33,000 missing emails.
Jake: Okay, Kellyanne.
Kellyanne Conway: We good?
Jake: Sure.
[music playing]
[Kellyanne Conway is painting and dancing in her lawn]
[Kellyanne Conway’s phone ringing]
[Cut to CNN Breaking News video bumper]
[Cut to Kellyanne Conway]
Kellyanne Conway: Okay, this one is simple, Jake. Mr. Trump did the deaf voice at his rally this morning so that deaf people could hear him too.
[Cut to Jake. He can’t believe what Kellyanne Conway just said.]
[music playing]
[Cut to Kellyanne Conway reading a magazine in her house.]
[Kellyanne Conway’s phone ringing]
[Cut to split screen with Jake and Kellyanne Conway]
Kellyanne Conway: Okay, so, yeah. Mr. Trump did challenge Obama to a penis off and if the president will simply produce his penis, we could get back to talking about what’s really important, which is jobs.
[Kellyanne Conway just leaves]
[music playing]
[Cut to Kellyanne Conway buying her groceries]
[Kellyanne Conway’s phone ringing]
[Cut to split screen with Jake and Kellyanne Conway. Kellyanne Conway is carrying her groceries.]
Kellyanne Conway: Yes, he did say that it is gross to watch gay people eat pasta because he wants them to eat healthy food.
Jake: But why even say that, Kellyanne?
Kellyanne Conway: Jake, I have to put this ice cream in the freezer. Sorry.
Jake: Yeah, yeah.
[music playing]
[Cut to Kellyanne Conway skating at the park]
[Kellyanne Conway’s phone ringing]
[Cut to split screen with Jake and Kellyanne Conway. Kellyanne Conway walks in with the skating helmet on.]
Kellyanne Conway: Of course black people don’t have one less toe than white people.
[music playing]
[Cut to Kellyanne Conway having her facial done.]
[Kellyanne Conway’s phone ringing]
[Cut to split screen with Jake and Kellyanne Conway]
Kellyanne Conway: Of course, children are not just shrunken down humans.
[music playing]
[Cut to Kellyanne Conway enjoying bubble bath and some wine with her husband]
[Kellyanne Conway’s phone ringing]
[Cut to split screen with Jake and Kellyanne Conway. Kellyanne Conway has wet hair and is wearing bathrobe.}
Kellyanne Conway: Of course Donald did not hold up a little cup of his own semen at a rally and say, “This becomes a person? No way!”
[Cut to Jake]
Jake: But he did say that. There’s tape.
[Cut to split screen with Jake and Kellyanne Conway.]
Kellyanne Conway: What do you want me say? Yes, he said that. He’s crazy.
Jake: Great.
Kellyanne Conway: He’s the worst person I’ve ever known.
Jake: Yes.
Kellyanne Conway: What do you want?
Jake: That’s what I want. Alright, well, thank you, Kellyanne Conway. Thank you for being here.
Kellyanne Conway: Thank you for having us.
Jake: Us? Who’s us?
[Cut to Kellyanne Conway and her husband. He is also half naked and is covered with bubbles.]
Kellyanne’s husband: Hi, Jake.
[Cut to split screen with Jake and Kellyanne Conway and her husband.]
Jake: Kellyanne!
Kellyanne Conway: What? It’s my day off.
[Ends with “A Day Off” with Kellyanne Conway outro]
