A Girl’s Halloween


Vanessa Bayer

Megan… Aidy Bryant

Janelle… Cecily Strong

[Starts with A Girl’s Halloween intro] [music playing] [Cut to Vanessa and Megan dressing up. It’s eight PM

Vanessa: Megan, you look so cute.

Megan: Oh, thanks. Janelle, will you like, fluff the back of my hair? It feels like it’s getting flat.

Janelle: Yeah, yeah. You guys, I love how we’re like, keeping it so chill this year.

Megan: I know.

Vanessa: So, we’re just grabbing dinner and then heading to Ryan’s for a bit?

Megan: Um-hmm.

Janelle: You guys, let’s do a selfie.

Vanessa: Oh, okay.

Janelle: Alright. Smile!

[They take selfies]

Megan: This is gonna be such a fun night.

[Cut to Vanessa, Megan and Janelle drunk at the streets at four AM]

Megan: This night f****n sucks!

Janelle: I gave my credit card to someone and I don’t have it. Who has it?

Vanessa: Please! I need to get pizza.

Megan: Oh! Pizza, bitch!

[Cut back to Vanessa, Megan and Janelle getting ready]

Janelle: Hey, Megan. Will you draw my whiskers? Your’s look like, so good.

Megan: Yes. I did like a little white line underneath for definition.

Vanessa: Oh, that’s so smart.

Janelle: Just like that. That’s what I want mine to look. I’m gonna look so cute.

[Cut to Vanessa, Megan and Janelle drunk at the streets at four AM. All their make ups are messed up.]

Janelle: I’m so ugly.

Megan: Don’s say that.

Janelle: Megan, don’t. You stop coz you have been a bitch to me all night.

Megan: That’s because you wouldn’t wait.

Janelle: No. You said to go, Megan!

[Janelle walks away. She falls down.] [Cut back to Vanessa, Megan and Janelle getting ready]

Vanessa: Should I paint my nails yellow?

Megan: Oh, yeah. You should do yellow for the cheese.

Janelle: Hey, if you wanna be a cat too, like, I have extra.

Vanessa: Oh, that’s okay. I like being the cheese.

[Cut to Vanessa, Megan and Janelle drunk at the streets at four AM.]

Vanessa: Why did you make me be the cheese? You guys got to be cute. And you made me be the cheese.

[Cut to Megan sitting down at the side of the street, wildly.] [Cut back to Vanessa, Megan and Janelle getting ready]

Megan: My these shoes are cute. It was so hard to find grey ones that matched.

[Cut to Megan walking alone drunk at the street. She can’t walk properly because of her shoes.]

Megan: Hey guys, please wait. I got it now. Come on. Wait for me. Guys!

[Cut back to Vanessa, Megan and Janelle getting ready]

Janelle: You know what? I think I’m not gonna drink tonight.

Megan: Good idea, Janelle.

Vanessa: That’s so smart, Janelle.

[Cut to Vanessa, Megan and Janelle at the pizza place. Janelle pukes on the pizza.]

Megan: [singing looking at the guys beside them] Oh, babe, what up, baby, you want some of this?

[Bobby walks in]

Bobby: You and your drunk friends got to get out of my restaurant now.

Megan: No, you cannot yell at her.

Bobby: Get out of my store, okay? Before I turn the hose on you.

Megan: Oh, yeah. You would love to do that.

Vanessa: You nasty pervert.

Megan: Pervert!

[Cut to Bobby at eight PM sticking halloween stickers on his restaurant door.]

Bobby: [looking at the stickers and smiling] Spooky!

[Cut to Bobby spraying water on the girls using hose]

Vanessa: What the hell.

Janelle: Oh, my god!

[Cut back to Vanessa, Megan and Janelle getting ready]

Megan: Oh, I look cute.

[Cut to Megan running through the glass door of pizza restaurant breaking it.]

Bobby: Oh my god!

[Cut to Vanessa and Janelle lying on a sofa, still drunk]

Vanessa: That was so fun.

Janelle: Yeah. I’m so glad it was just us girls.

[A guy painted all green is behind them]

The guy: Hey, what about me?

Janelle: Ew, who let that guy in?

[Megan walks in. Her mouth is all green.]

Megan: I have no freaking idea.

[The End]

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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