America’s Funniest Pets


Ron Howard… Tom Hanks

Kate McKinnon

Cecily Strong

[Starts with America’s Funniest Pets intro]

Female voice: [singing] America’s looking at cats, 

America’s looking at dogs,
America’s looking at birds, going nuts
America’s looking, America’s looking at,
America’s Funniest Pets

Announcer: With your host, Ron Howard.

[Cut to Ron Howard in his set]

Ron Howard: Hey, hey. Hey, hey there. Hey. Hey. Hey, it’s me Ron Howard, how cool is that? Huh? I know, I know, I know you probably asking yourself, why the heck am I hosting a pet blooper show? Well, in simple, pet bloopers just make me giggle. Ha-ha-ha. You know, I could use a good laugh after working all day. Well, I look like Tom Hanks. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I love Tom Hanks but what a pain in the ass. It’s okay. Alright. Who is ready to laugh at some funny pets. I know I am. Check out this first clip.

[Cut to a cat in a bathroom sink. The tap is on a little and she is looking at her soaking body.]

Oh boy. Oh boy. I am feeling so relaxed right now. If I fall in the water, call a per a medic. Ha-ha-ha-ha. [Cut to Ron Howard] Okay, you believe it or not, there is a prince version of this show and we’re lucky enough to have the host with us today. So, please welcome [mumbles their names] [Kate and Cecily walk in]

Hey, hey, how are you doing? Great to see you. It’s really great to see you. Hey, hi.

Kate: [strong French accent] Thank you for having us.

Cecily: [strong French accent] Yes. You know, we love you, Ron Howard. We love your movies like Cacoon.

Kate: Wi, Cacoon. [French language] Cacoon.

Cecily: [French language] Cacoon.

Kate: Back draft.

Cecily: Back draft.

Kate: Back draft.

Ron Howard: Hey, that’s great. That’s great. That’s great. Yeah. Well, since you’ve come all the way from France, I’d love to see you do a clip.

Cecily: Yeah, of course we will do the blooper for you.

Kate: We can do. Request is [French language]

Ron Howard: Great, great. Let’s take it away.

[Cut to a video clip of a cat peeking from the side of the bed.]

Cecily: Oh, this cat here is witnessing a violent murder.

Kate: The victim scream, “Please call for help.”

Cecily: But he is paralyzed.

Kate: It will hunt him forever because he can’t watch a man beat to death and he do nothing.

Cecily: Yes. In this moment, he learn he is a true coward.

[Cut to Ron Howard]

Ron Howard: Okay. Okay, okay. Wow. You know, but it’s the director in me, but can I give you a note?

[Cut to Kate and Cecily]

Cecily: Yeah, of course.

Ron Howard: Okay, could you try to make it more silly. You know, more fun? May try to put a pun in there. Like, you’re freaking meow (me out). Ha-ha-ha. Okay, okay. Roll the clip.

[Cut to a video clip of a cat holding a bar and sleeping]

Cecily: Oh, this cat is waiting on his dead beat dad but he’s once again with his whore. It’s a hotel, he provide no [unintelligible] [Cut to a video clip of a piglet moving]

Kate: This pig dance not for joy but for sexual pleasure.

Cecily: You see just behind him, it’s an audience of masturbating businessmen.

Kate: Oink, comfortable

Cecily: This is how we do it.

[Cut to a video clip of cat sleeping on a bed like a person facing upwards.]

Oh, this cat is dead fro drug overdose.

[Cut to another video clip of a cat sleeping on a bed like a person facing upwards.]

Kate: And this cat is being prepared for morgue. Just kitten (kidding).

Cecily: Bun chicken meow, meow.

Kate: Not bad, huh?

Cecily: not bad.

[Cut to Ron Howard]

Ron Howard: Cheese and rice. Can I just give you one more just, just one adjustment? Maybe try one where, “I don’t feel like killing myself.” Try some cartoony noises and catch phrases. Here, here. Watch me.

[Cut to a video clip of a dog with long neck looking at the camera funnily]

Oh, dorpy-dorp-dorp. I’m the mean old dog and this is what I think about you. Phrrr. Dorpy-dorp-dorp-dorp. [Cut to Ron Howard, Kate and Cecily] Alright? Alright?

Cecily: You know, dorpy-dorpy-dorp.

Kate: Dorp-dorp, get the job done.

Ron Howard: Okay, cool, cool. Great. Great. Let’s try it.

[Cut to a video clip of a dog walking on two feet at the grocery store.]

Cecily: Bloopa-bloopa-bloop. My mother is dead back there. Bloopa-bloopa-bloop. My brains are on my balls.

Kate: Barp-badarp-badar. This looks very bad for me. I am a payroll. Bleh!

Cecily: Bloopy-bloopy-bloopy. Please, someone, my mother is in back split in the middle. I’m covered in my mother.

Kate: Da-da-da-da. I think she may still be breathing. Someone, bring her out of her misery.

Cecily: Oh, check please.

Kate: I’ll have what she’s having.

Kate and Cecily: Dohh!

[Cut to Ron Howard]

Ron Howard: Okay, okay. I think that’s the best we’re gonna get.

[Cut to Kate and Cecily]

Kate: We did good. We did good.

Cecily: Yeah, we should come back every week.

[Cut to everybody]

Ron Howard: Well, well, let’s not get crazy.

Cecily: Ron Howard, fantastic.

Kate: Ron Howard!

[The End]

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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