Ariana Grande Monologue


Ariana Grande

Kenan Thompson

Cecily Strong

Pete Davidson

[Starts with SNL monologue intro.] [band is playing music one the stage]

Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen, Ariana Grande.

[Ariana Grande walks in and to the stage] [cheers and applause]

Ariana Grande: Thank you. Thank you guys so much. I’m Ariana Grande and I’m a singer, not a Starbucks drink. I’m so honored and excited to be hosting and performing tonight. It’s been a dream of mine to be on this stage ever since I was a little girl which was two months go. I’ve been singing and acting since I was eight. I started my career on kids TV doing Nickelodeon.

[Kenan walks in]

Kenan: Yes, indeed. Yes. What an amazing place to launch a career, am I right?

Ariana Grande: That’s right, Kenan. We both started out doing Nickelodeon shows but of course that’s not the only thing people know us for anymore.

Kenan: Well, speak for yourself. I’ve been doing show for 30 damn years and people still ask me twice a week, “Where is Kel?”

Ariana Grande: Classic. I loved you guys. Do you guys still stay in touch?

Kenan: [yelling] A little bit!

[Kenan walks away]

Ariana Grande: Yeah, it can be tough growing up in show business. A lot of kid stars end up doing drugs, are in jail or pregnant, or get caught looking at doughnut they didn’t pay for. Which, yes, was childish and stupid. I’ve learned that it’s really time to grow up. I think I’m in a place where I am ready to be caught in a real adult scandal.

[music playing]

A real scandal, you know? Something to take my career to next level. Something that says, “Welcome to Hollywood, kid.” Miley’s had em, Bieber’s had em, everyone’s had em and each day I sit by my window and I dream what will my scandal be?

[singing] They’ll say, “She’s a hot mess”
or “What a disgrace”
They’ll say, “Is that botox in her butt and in her face?”
That tweet about the Jews wasn’t really point at taste
Oh what will my scandal be?

Maybe I’ll throw a fit in in LA hotel
or make life for the staff, a true living hell
I’ll puke in the pool, or pimp stop Adele, oh shit!
What will my scandal be?

[Cecily walks in]

Cecily: Ariana! I was just in your dressing room smelling all your clothes and you just left your cell phone out girl. You have to be careful, you know? Someone could hack into and just post everything on the internet.

Ariana Grande: Oh my god, that would be amazing.

Cecily: No, no, no.

Ariana Grande: When I was a little girl, my mama told me that I’d grow up and make millions of strangers mad at me. And now it’s finally happening. Thank you.

[Cecily leaves] [singing] Maybe diet pills with scramble my brain
I’ll light up in first class and get kicked off of plane.
Maybe I’ll have a love child with Drake or 2Chainz
What will my scandal be?

[Pete walks in]

Pete: Hey, Ariana. I overheard. Do you like to smoke some pot or something?

Ariana Grande: Pot? Let’s smoke some crack, man!

Pete: I’m good.

[Pete turns around and leaves]

Ariana Grande: [singing] Imagine what they’ll say
Imagine what they’ll write
I could sleep in at the Super Bowl
And ruin my career overnight

My very own scandal
My very own scandal

Oh, what will my scandal be?

We’ve got a great show. So, stick around, we’ll be right back.

[The End]

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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