Bartender… Kenan Thompson
Ace Chuggins… Larry David
Sheila Sovage… Kate McKinnon
[Starts with a bartender offering last call at the bar booth]Bartender: Alright you sad sex, last call. So either hook up now or go home and take care of yourselves.
Ace: Hey bartender, give me a Kentucky Night Cap. That’s a bourbon with tiny old PN floating in.
Sheila: And I’ll take one more vodka chatter please. Might as well, my liver’s losing a jazz to a night by the name of Sir Roses. Ha-ha-ha-ha.
[Cut to Ace and Sheila]Ace: Well, well, well. Looks like there’s one pickled egg still floating around in a vinegar.
Sheila: And? Why don’t you fish me out, lay me down on a plate and see if you can get pass how I look and smell?
[Cut to Bartender]Bartender: Please, I had stew for dinner that I would like to stay down.
Sheila: Thank you. Mind if I scoot a little closer pal? The seat I’m on is wet and it is my fault.
Ace: Come on over. As long as you don’t mind the smell of garlic. My D pushed my face into a plate of lasagna earlier.
Sheila: Lasagna, huh? That’s funny. In high school, they called me Garfield coz I hated Mondays and I had a tail.
Ace: Wow! You really know how to make a man confused down there. What’s your name, sweetie?
Sheila: It’s Sheila Sovage. You can remember that coz if you mix up the letters, it almost spells vagastill!
[Cut to Bartender looking disgusted] [Cut to Ace and Sheila]What’s your handle brother?
Ace: They call me Ace Chuggins.
Sheila: Ace? Get out! I’m wearing one of your bandages right now coz I ran out of underwear. Wow.
Ace: Ah! Sorry, you’re thinking of a different Ace. I work as a before model for teeth whitening ads.
Sheila: Get out! I have teeth for now.
Ace: That’s insanity. You know, I gotta be honest with you. When I first saw you, I thought I’d have to put a paper bag over our heads. Now I’m like, “Yeah! Just put her in a shadow.”
Sheila: Yeah. And you had me at paper bag on my head.
Ace: Wow!
Sheila: Wow!
Ace: We are connecting big time. Quick! What’s your favorite color?
Sheila: Stripes. What’s your favorite smell?
Ace: No fart.
Sheila: Me too. No fart.
Ace: Really?
Sheila: Something is happening here.
Ace: Oh, it is. It is happening.
[Cut to Bartender]Bartender: Yes, called an outbreak. And it’s time for you to take the viruses out of here.
Sheila: You heard the man? Why don’t we go back to my place to see how many lays are left in the sack. Crumpled old potato chip bag, huh?
Ace: I bet you, I can have just one.
[Sheila pulls her lipstick out and Ace pulls his chapstick out.]Sheila: Well, looks like we both just bought a ticket to the kiss concert.
Ace: My tongue’s not as long as Jean Simmon’s, but my penis is even shorter.
Sheila: Let’s do this.
Bartender: No! No!
[Cut to Ace and Sheila]Sheila: Oh!
Ace: Oh!
Sheila: Wow, that was just amazing.
Ace: I think you gave me black balls.
Sheila: Yikes. Looks like this old Alcamino has stalled on the ramp.
Ace: Well, hang on. Maybe we better take it into the shopping, look under the hood. If you know what I mean.
Sheila: [smiles] I think I do.
[Sheila raises Ace’s wig and kisses on his bald head]Bartender: Oh, boy!
[The End]