Claire… Leslie Jones
Heather… Kate McKinnon
Sasheer Zamata
Aidy Bryant
Vanessa Bayer
Brie Larson
Cecily Strong
[Starts with a group of moms having a baby shower]All: Open it. Open it.
Brie: Aw, burp cloths with little duckies on them. Thank you so much for throwing me this baby shower, girls. I feel so welcome to the neighborhood.
Sasheer: Of course. So, when are you becoming a mom?
Brie: My due date is July 14.
Sasheer: Oh, no. That’s when you’re having a child. But when are you becoming a true mother? You know. When are you… [sowing her hair]
Brie: When am I what?
Heahter: She wants to know when you’re getting the cut, sweetie. [feeling her hair]
Brie: The cut?
All: Yes, the cut.
[Everyone except Brie has the same short haircut.]Cecily: You know, the haircut that all moms have. Soft waterfall in the front but knives in the back.
Vanessa: The one that looks like your’e going to a formal event but on the way, you were stuck by lightning.
Claire: The scared dinosaur from Jurassic Park.
Brie: I don’t think that look is for me.
Sasheer: That’s what we all thought. But then one day something will break inside of you and you’ll know it’s time to get the cut.
Brie: Well, what was it for you?
Sasheer: Well, I was getting ready to leave a wedding and then all of a sudden, I thought, “I need to take this centerpiece.” I can no longer leave a wedding without taking a centerpiece.
Brie: Was it the end of the reception?
Brie: No. I left early because I don’t like music but dammit, I took that centerpiece and then I knew, it was time for the cut.
Aidy: You know, but the cut finds you in different ways. Now for me, it was much more abrupt. I completely blacked out and I came to in the parking lot of Marshall’s Home Goods. And in my hands was a rustic sign that just said the single word, “Home.” Next day, I got the cut.
Cecily: You know now, for me it was when I bought a big glass urn. Huge. Takes up entire kitchen isle. And what did I put in it? One candle.
Brie: And when do you light it?
All: Never!
Brie: So you’re telling me there’s gonna be some sort of magical moment and suddenly I’m gonna want a haircut that’s curtains in the front, iron throne in the back?
Vanessa: No one wants the cut. The cut chooses you. For me, it happened when I stepped into my bathroom. I closed my eyes and heard the ocean. In that moment, I knew my bathroom must be an ocean. I need light houses. I need sea shells. I need soap in the shape of the flipflop.
Brie: Why do you need soap in the shape of a flipflop?
[everybody laughing]Heahter: Silly girl, she seeks clarity only the cut can provide. But soon you will know many things. Like, bathrooms are oceans. But the kitchen is afar.
Sasheer: Yeah. A kitchen is watering cans, picket fences, a pig in a chef’s hat.
Claire: The cut is more powerful than you can ever imagine. My doctor told me I couldn’t get pregnant unless I have sex with my husband, which I never have, and never will. Instead, I just got the cut and I looked down and boom! I was 7 months pregnant.
Brie: [Folding a bag] There is no way that that could have happened.
Cecily: Really? Then ask yourself a question. Why are you folding that bag so carefully?
Brie: So I can save it for later because it’s just such a nice bag.
Sasheer: We know. We give them to each other. I got that bag from Claire.
Claire: And I got that bag from Heather.
Heahter: And I got it from Barbara. There are only seven bags in this entire county because of women like us. Women with good taste and foresight to save.
[Jon walks in]Jon: Hey, mom.
Aidy: Hi, sweetie.
Jon: Sorry to interrupt. I’m just gonna grab something to eat.
Brie: I’ll fix you a plate.
Jon: It’s alright. I’ll get it myself. Thanks though.
[Brie is shocked]Brie: Fix you a plate? He’s not even my son. Yet, I didn’t trust him to put things on a plate and microwave it. I had to do it for him.
Heahter: The catch is upon us.
Brie: No. No, I will never be like you. I will never have a chunky highlight.
Aidy: What’s in motion cannot be undone. Soon you will have the cut. And all of your tank tops will sprout cap sleeves.
Cecily: Your quotes will be inspirational and your magnets, hilarious.
Sasheer: You will go to the beach but only shop…
All: The cat, the cat, the cat.
Sasheer: Welcome sister.
[Brie screaming. Now she has the short haircut too.]Brie: Oh, my god! [feeling her shot hair] I love this. I love it. And you know what this room needs? A big bowl of fake fruits.
All: Oh, yeah.
Female voice: Happy Mother’s Day from SNL.
[The End]