Dan… Taran Killam
Vanessa Bayer
Kate McKinnon
Ronda Rousey
Cecily Strong
Aidy Bryant
Sasheer Zamata
Selena Gomez
[Starts with Bland Man intro]Male voice: One very bland man. 25 long haired women. Who will he choose to be his bride? It all happens tonight on Bland Man.
Dan: My name is Dan and I’m from Chicago or Denver or something. I have blue eyes, brown hair and grey shirt. And tonight, I’m looking forward to getting to know the girls a little bit.
[Cut to Dan and Vanessa sitting on a bench at the park.]Vanessa: Um, I like this.
Dan: Me too.
Vanessa: Thank you for our date this morning. I loved going to your old high school and watching you cry.
Dan: [laughing] Tell me, what do you look for in a guy?
Vanessa: Well, I know you’re gonna make fun of me, but I wanna guy who’s like my dad. Smart like my dad. Hard working like my dad. And with the same body and penis as my dad.
Kate: Hi. Can I steal him for a second?
[Vanessa walks away and Kate sits beside Dan]Thank you. Um, I like this.
Dan: Me too.
Kate: Thanks for our date this afternoon. I loved taking a race car to that improv class with you.
Dan: I hope I didn’t move too fast.
Kate: What?
Dan: I’m kidding.
Kate: [weird laughing] That’s a funny joke. I love that we can laugh together.
Dan: Me too.
Kate: [weird laughing] Oh, my god! It feels so good to laugh because before this, I was in a really bad college.
[Ronda walks in]Ronda: Can I steal him for a sec?
Kate: Yeah.
[Kate walks away and Ronda sits beside Dan]Ronda: Um, I like this.
Dan: Me too.
Ronda: Thank you for a date this afternoon. I loved taking that hot air balloon with the cast of Chicago Fire.
Dan: Yeah. Tonight’s nice too. I like the moon.
Ronda: Yeah.
Dan: But–
Ronda: Moon’s nice.
Dan: Yeah. But I also like the day, you know? With the sun.
Ronda: Yeah, the sun is so nice.
Dan: [laughing] We have so much in common.
Ronda: Dan, can I ask you something? Can I wear jeans tomorrow?
Dan: Um, no.
[Cecily walks in]Cecily: Can I steal him for a second?
[Ronda walks away and Cecily sits beside Dan]Um, I like this.
Dan: Me too. So, tell me about yourself.
Cecily: Well, I’m a virgin but I’m very quick to do the stuff I do.
Dan: Wow, That’s cool.
Cecily: Then why didn’t you say so in our date today?
Dan: Because we were rolling down a hill in two giant hamster balls.
Cecily: Sorry I got mad. But that’s not me. Well, it is me but I’m doing a bad job hiding it.
[Aidy walks in]Aidy: Hi, can I steal him for a sec?
[Cecily walks away and Aidy sits beside Dan]Um, I like this.
Dan: Me too. So tell me about yourself.
Aidy: Well, I’ve had to wear a damp bikini all week so now it hurts when I pee. Also, there’s something I wanna tell you Dan, but can I be completely honest with you?
Dan: Of course.
Aidy: I have a son. And five daughters. They’re right here.
[Cut to Dan, Aidy and six kids.]They can’t wait for you to be their daddy. They’re so sweet but they are a lot of work. And this one, [pulls one kid near her] he always has a ton of cash and he won’t tell me where it’s from.
[Sasheer walks in]Sasheer: Can I steal him for a sec?
Aidy: Yeah.
[Aidy walks away and Sasheer sits beside Dan]Sasheer: Um, I like this.
Dan: So, tell me about yourself.
Sasheer: Well, I’m the black one.
Dan: [hold’s Sasheer’s hand] Let me walk you out.
Sasheer: Wait! Wait! I didn’t tell you yet that everyone I ever met is dead.
Dan: Oh, you have a sad past? Then, you can stay one more week.
[Kate walks in]Kate: Can I steal him for a second?
[Sasheer walks away and Kate sits beside Dan]Dan: Hey, long time no see.
Kate: [weird laughing] Oh, my god! You are literally the funniest person I’ve ever met. And I know two Jews.
[Ronda walks in]Ronda: Sorry, can I steal him for a minute?
[Kate walks away and Ronda sits beside Dan]Dan: So, tell me about yourself.
Ronda: Well, I served in Iraq. I was a waitress in the diner there for three years.
Dan: That sounds hard. And now what do you do?
Ronda: Well, right now I do this. And then after this, I’m gonna do co-appearances until I die.
Dan: Me too.
Ronda: Also on the weekends, I volunteer at a kill-shelter.
[Cecily walks in]Cecily: Hey, can I steal him for a sec?
[Ronda walks away and Cecily sits beside Dan]Dan: So, um, are you having a good time?
Cecily: It’s hard. All the girls hate me just because I’m so mean to them. And this made me realize that I have some deep emotional problems and I need to go home and deal with them.
Dan: I would be sad to see you go.
Cecily: Okay, then I’ll stay and just be so insane.
[Aidy walks in]Aidy: Can steal him for a second?
[Cecily walks away and Aidy sits beside Dan]Dan, I need to be completely honest with you.
Dan: Okay.
Aidy: Okay. I have one enormous toe. Like it’s so big. And I’ve been so self-conscious about it my entire life. I need you to see it.
[Aidy raises her feet and her thumb is really, really big.]Dan: Holy!
[Selena walks in]Selena: Can I steal him for a sec?
[Aidy walks away and Selena sits beside Dan]Um, I like this.
Dan: Me too.
Selena: And I love being here for the 25th season of the show because I was conceived during the second season.
Dan: Wow, I feel so connected to you. Remind of your name again?
Selena: I’m Selena Gomez.
Dan: Okay, I’ll go with her. We can stop. I’m gonna go with her. I’m gonna go.
[The End]