Wolf Blitzer… Beck Bennett
Hillary Clinton… Kate McKinnon
Bernie Sanders… David Larry
Arrow Louis… Kenan Thompson
Elaine Benes… Julia Louis-Dreyfus
Rachael Green… Vanessa Bayer[Starts with Democratic Presidential Debate intro] [Cut to Wolf Blitzer]
Wolf Blitzer: Good evening and welcome to the CNN Democratic Debate live from Brooklyn, New York. i am Wolf Blitzer and believe it or not i shaved five minutes ago. Let’s meet the candidates. First up, former secretary of state, Hillary Clinton[Cut to Hillary Clinton walking to the podium] [cheers and applause]
Hillary Clinton: Hello. Hello Brooklyn. Whoo! I cannot wait to be your next president, if I’m elected of course. Not getting ahead of myself… in public. In private, I’ve been president for 15 years.[Cut to Wolf Blitzer.]
Wolf Blitzer: And Vermont senator, Bernie Sanders.
Bernie Sanders: Yes, yes. Good for you. Good for you. I am Bernie Sanders. I am a voice for regular people. I’m not fancy. I’m not the elite. I put on my pants just like all of you. I sit on the edge of the bed and Jane pulls them up for me.[Cut to Wolf Blitzer]
Wolf Blitzer: Well, thank you both for making time to be here. I know it’s hard for both of you to agree on a date.[Cut to Hillary Clinton]
Hillary Clinton: Well no. Not for me, Wolf. I offered up a date right away. I said, “How about Mapril thirty-third aploo-ploo-o’clock?”[Cut to Bernie Sanders]
Bernie Sanders: Wolf, I want a million debates. When people hear my message it resonates loud and clear. Because I always talk like I’m on the other side of a river.[Cut to Wolf Blitzer]
Wolf Blitzer: Secretary Clinton, we’ll start with you. You recently stood by governor Cuomo as he signed a $15 minimum wage into law. So you no longer think it should be $12?[Cut to Hillary Clinton]
Hillary Clinton: No. Wolf, I have said from the beginning that it should be a combination of 12 and/or 15.
Bernie Sanders: No. No you didn’t. You always said 12.
Hillary Clinton: And 15. I said 12 and/or 15.
Bernie Sanders: No. That’s not true.
Hillary Clinton: [pointing at Bernie Sanders] Yes, it is.
Bernie Sanders: [pointing at Hillary Clinton and walking a step forward towards Hillary Clinton aggressively] No, it is not.
Hillary Clinton: Yes.
Bernie Sanders: No.[Hillary Clinton and Bernie Sanders start hitting each other] [Hillary Clinton grabs Bernie Sanders by his neck and rubs her knuckle on his forehead]
Hillary Clinton: Are you feeling the Bern?
Bernie Sanders: It burns.[Cut to Wolf Blitzer]
Wolf Blitzer: Okay. Secretary Clinton, come on, let him go. Let him go.[Cut to Hillary Clinton, raising both her hands as celebrating her fight victory.]
Hillary Clinton: That’s how we do it in Brooklyn, baby. Whoo! God I love Brooklyn. Brooklyn, the only place on earth where the [whispering inaudibly] is better than the [whispering inaudibly].
Wolf Blitzer: Okay. We now have a question about black issues. So for that, we turn to our black moderator, Arrow Louis.[Wolf Blitzer leaves and Arrow Louis walks in] [romantic music playing]
Arrow Louis: Oh, yeah, candidates. It’s time for the black question. So you know, they asked me to do it. And I’m gonna do it real good. Here we go.[music stops]
Secretary Clinton, in 1994, you supported a crime bill that has led to the mass incarceration of many black people. Do you regret this decision?[Cut to Hillary Clinton]
Hillary Clinton: [laughing] I am laughing to give myself time to think about how to answer this question. Ha-ha. [thinking] Got it. Listen Wolf, the black community loves me. And I love them. In fact, I have two black people in my phone. Barack Obama and my husband Bill Clinton. God, I love Barack. We do every thing together. We’re always chilling out, maxing, relaxing all cool and [singing] shooting some b-ball outside of the school with a couple of guys, that they were up to no good.[Cut to Wolf Blitzer]
Wolf Blitzer: Wow-wow,wow-wow. I’m gonna stop you right there. You already have the black vote. Don’t ruin it.
Bernie Sanders: Wolf! Let me just say I have supported the black community since the Rachael Green0s. I marched in Selma with Martin Luther King Jr. Did I run when they turned on the hoses? Yes. I didn’t sign up for getting wet. I’m not getting sick in Selma, I’ll tell you that.[Cut to Wolf Blitzer]
Wolf Blitzer: Moving on. Secretary Clinton, many have said this campaign has gotten meaner in recent weeks. Do you think you played a part in this?[Cut to Hillary Clinton]
Hillary Clinton: Oh, come on Wolf. I don’t have a mean bone in my body. Just ask anyone except those close to me.[Cut to Wolf Blitzer]
Wolf Blitzer: Now, since we’re here in New York we thought it would be appropriate to take questions from some real New Yorkers in the audience.[Cut to Hillary Clinton and Bernie Sanders]
Bernie Sanders: Sure, sure, bring it on.
Wolf Blitzer: Our first question comes from a long time New Yorker. She has worked in publishing and her name is Elaine Benes.[Cut to Elaine Benes in the audience] [cheers and applause]
Elaine Benes: Hi there. Um, yeah, I have two questions. My first is for senator Sanders.[Cut to split screen]
Bernie Sanders: I couldn’t hear the question.
Elaine Benes: Yeah. I didn’t ask it yet, Bernie. So listen, you’ve been pretty vague in the past, but how exactly are you gonna break up the big banks?
Bernie Sanders: You mean the big bank breakup?
Elaine Benes: Yeah, big bank breakup.[Bernie Sanders gesturing like he’s slapping it]
Bernie Sanders: I will break em’ up!
Elaine Benes: How? How?[Cut to Bernie Sanders]
Bernie Sanders: Once I’m elected president, I’ll have nice schvitz in the White House gym. Then I’ll go to the big banks. I’ll sit them down. And yada-yada-yada, they’ll be broken up.[Cut to split screen]
Elaine Benes: What? No! No! You can’t yada-yada at a debate! Also, you yada-yada over the best part.
Bernie Sanders: No. I mentioned the schvitz.
Elaine Benes: Okay, secretary Clinton. [Hillary Clinton appears in place of Bernie Sanders] My question for you is don’t it suck to be the only girl in a group of guys?
Hillary Clinton: [raising both hands] Yes, it does my sister friend.
Elaine Benes: Well, don’t worry because everyone thinks you are by far the funniest. I mean, the most qualified.[Cut to Bernie Sanders]
Bernie Sanders: Then what the hell am I?[Cut to Elaine Benes]
Elaine Benes: You’re bald.[Cut to Bernie Sanders]
Bernie Sanders: Bernie has gotten upset![Cut to Wolf Blitzer]
Wolf Blitzer: Our next question is another long time New Yorker. She works in fashion and her name is Rachael Green.[Cut to Rachael Green]
Rachael Green: Oh. Ah-ah, yeah! So, because of the, um, the uh, uh, ya, and um, what would? Yeah.[Cut to Wolf Blitzer]
Wolf Blitzer: Ma’am, that wasn’t a question. And your time is up.[Cut to Rachael Green]
Rachael Green: Oh. Oh, great! Great![Cut to Wolf Blitzer]
Wolf Blitzer: Our next question comes from a father of six. He’s a OBGYN in Brooklyn and his name is Dr. Cliff Huxtable.[Cut to Hillary Clinton and Bernie Sanders]
Hillary Clinton and Bernie Sanders: Oh, no! No! No!
Bernie Sanders: Forget that. No.[Hillary Clinton turns around]
I need black voters but not that bad.[Cut to Wolf Blitzer]
Wolf Blitzer: Okay. Then it looks like we have one final question, and we’re going back to Miss Elaine Benes.[Cut to Elaine Benes]
Elaine Benes: Yea, senator Sanders, [Cut to split screen] you believe that the super rich should pay more in taxes.
Bernie Sanders: Yeah. Right. That’s right.
Elaine Benes: But wouldn’t that be bad for actors who made a lot of money on a certain very successful sitcom?
Bernie Sanders: Yeah. So?
Elaine Benes: Well, I mean wouldn’t it be even worse for the person who created that sitcom? I mean, wouldn’t he lose a lot of money? Do you see what I’m saying?[Cut to Bernie Sanders]
Bernie Sanders: Eee- yeah, yeah, yeah. You should vote for her.[Cut to Hillary Clinton and Bernie Sanders. Elaine Benes runs in.]
Hillary Clinton: That’s me, yes. And…
Hillary Clinton, Bernie Sanders and Elaine Benes: Live from New York, it’s Saturday night.[The End]