Brooklyn Democratic Debate Cold Open

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Wolf Blitzer… Beck Bennett

Hillary Clinton… Kate McKinnon

Bernie Sanders… David Larry

Arrow Louis… Kenan Thompson

Elaine Benes… Julia Louis-Dreyfus

Rachael Green… Vanessa Bayer

[Starts with Democratic Presidential Debate intro] [Cut to Wolf Blitzer]

Wolf Blitzer: Good evening and welcome to the CNN Democratic Debate live from Brooklyn, New York. i am Wolf Blitzer and believe it or not i shaved five minutes ago. Let’s meet the candidates. First up, former secretary of state, Hillary Clinton

[Cut to Hillary Clinton walking to the podium] [cheers and applause]

Hillary Clinton: Hello. Hello Brooklyn. Whoo! I cannot wait to be your next president, if I’m elected of course. Not getting ahead of myself… in public. In private, I’ve been president for 15 years.

[Cut to Wolf Blitzer.]

Wolf Blitzer: And Vermont senator, Bernie Sanders.

[Cut to Hillary Clinton. Bernie Sanders walks to this podium.] [cheers and applause]

Bernie Sanders: Yes, yes. Good for you. Good for you. I am Bernie Sanders. I am a voice for regular people. I’m not fancy. I’m not the elite. I put on my pants just like all of you. I sit on the edge of the bed and Jane pulls them up for me.

[Cut to Wolf Blitzer]

Wolf Blitzer: Well, thank you both for making time to be here. I know it’s hard for both of you to agree on a date.

[Cut to Hillary Clinton]

Hillary Clinton: Well no. Not for me, Wolf. I offered up a date right away. I said, “How about Mapril thirty-third aploo-ploo-o’clock?”

[Cut to Bernie Sanders]

Bernie Sanders: Wolf, I want a million debates. When people hear my message it resonates loud and clear. Because I always talk like I’m on the other side of a river.

[Cut to Wolf Blitzer]

Wolf Blitzer: Secretary Clinton, we’ll start with you. You recently stood by governor Cuomo as he signed a $15 minimum wage into law. So you no longer think it should be $12?

[Cut to Hillary Clinton]

Hillary Clinton: No. Wolf, I have said from the beginning that it should be a combination of 12 and/or 15.

[Cut to Hillary Clinton and Bernie Sanders]

Bernie Sanders: No. No you didn’t. You always said 12.

Hillary Clinton: And 15. I said 12 and/or 15.

Bernie Sanders: No. That’s not true.

Hillary Clinton: [pointing at Bernie Sanders] Yes, it is.

Bernie Sanders: [pointing at Hillary Clinton and walking a step forward towards Hillary Clinton aggressively] No, it is not.

Hillary Clinton: Yes.

Bernie Sanders: No.

[Hillary Clinton and Bernie Sanders start hitting each other] [Hillary Clinton grabs Bernie Sanders by his neck and rubs her knuckle on his forehead]

Hillary Clinton: Are you feeling the Bern?

Bernie Sanders: It burns.

[Cut to Wolf Blitzer]

Wolf Blitzer: Okay. Secretary Clinton, come on, let him go. Let him go.

[Cut to Hillary Clinton, raising both her hands as celebrating her fight victory.]

Hillary Clinton: That’s how we do it in Brooklyn, baby. Whoo! God I love Brooklyn. Brooklyn, the only place on earth where the [whispering inaudibly] is better than the [whispering inaudibly].

[Cut to Wolf Blitzer]

Wolf Blitzer: Okay. We now have a question about black issues. So for that, we turn to our black moderator, Arrow Louis.

[Wolf Blitzer leaves and Arrow Louis walks in] [romantic music playing]

Arrow Louis: Oh, yeah, candidates. It’s time for the black question. So you know, they asked me to do it. And I’m gonna do it real good. Here we go.

[music stops]

Secretary Clinton, in 1994, you supported a crime bill that has led to the mass incarceration of many black people. Do you regret this decision?

[Cut to Hillary Clinton]

Hillary Clinton: [laughing] I am laughing to give myself time to think about how to answer this question. Ha-ha. [thinking] Got it. Listen Wolf, the black community loves me. And I love them. In fact, I have two black people in my phone. Barack Obama and my husband Bill Clinton. God, I love Barack. We do every thing together. We’re always chilling out, maxing, relaxing all cool and [singing] shooting some b-ball outside of the school with a couple of guys, that they were up to no good.

[Cut to Wolf Blitzer]

Wolf Blitzer: Wow-wow,wow-wow. I’m gonna stop you right there. You already have the black vote. Don’t ruin it.

[Cut to Bernie Sanders]

Bernie Sanders: Wolf! Let me just say I have supported the black community since the Rachael Green0s. I marched in Selma with Martin Luther King Jr. Did I run when they turned on the hoses? Yes. I didn’t sign up for getting wet. I’m not getting sick in Selma, I’ll tell you that.

[Cut to Wolf Blitzer]

Wolf Blitzer: Moving on. Secretary Clinton, many have said this campaign has gotten meaner in recent weeks. Do you think you played a part in this?

[Cut to Hillary Clinton]

Hillary Clinton: Oh, come on Wolf. I don’t have a mean bone in my body. Just ask anyone except those close to me.

[Cut to Wolf Blitzer]

Wolf Blitzer: Now, since we’re here in New York we thought it would be appropriate to take questions from some real New Yorkers in the audience.

[Cut to Hillary Clinton and Bernie Sanders]

Bernie Sanders: Sure, sure, bring it on.

[Cut to Wolf Blitzer]

Wolf Blitzer: Our first question comes from a long time New Yorker. She has worked in publishing and her name is Elaine Benes.

[Cut to Elaine Benes in the audience] [cheers and applause]

Elaine Benes: Hi there. Um, yeah, I have two questions. My first is for senator Sanders.

[Cut to split screen]

Bernie Sanders: I couldn’t hear the question.

Elaine Benes: Yeah. I didn’t ask it yet, Bernie. So listen, you’ve been pretty vague in the past, but how exactly are you gonna break up the big banks?

Bernie Sanders: You mean the big bank breakup?

Elaine Benes: Yeah, big bank breakup.

[Bernie Sanders gesturing like he’s slapping it]

Bernie Sanders: I will break em’ up!

Elaine Benes: How? How?

[Cut to Bernie Sanders]

Bernie Sanders: Once I’m elected president, I’ll have nice schvitz in the White House gym. Then I’ll go to the big banks. I’ll sit them down. And yada-yada-yada, they’ll be broken up.

[Cut to split screen]

Elaine Benes: What? No! No! You can’t yada-yada at a debate! Also, you yada-yada over the best part.

Bernie Sanders: No. I mentioned the schvitz.

Elaine Benes: Okay, secretary Clinton. [Hillary Clinton appears in place of Bernie Sanders] My question for you is don’t it suck to be the only girl in a group of guys?

Hillary Clinton: [raising both hands] Yes, it does my sister friend.

Elaine Benes: Well, don’t worry because everyone thinks you are by far the funniest. I mean, the most qualified.

[Cut to Bernie Sanders]

Bernie Sanders: Then what the hell am I?

[Cut to Elaine Benes]

Elaine Benes: You’re bald.

[Cut to Bernie Sanders]

Bernie Sanders: Bernie has gotten upset!

[Cut to Wolf Blitzer]

Wolf Blitzer: Our next question is another long time New Yorker. She works in fashion and her name is Rachael Green.

[Cut to Rachael Green]

Rachael Green: Oh. Ah-ah, yeah! So, because of the, um, the uh, uh, ya, and um, what would? Yeah.

[Cut to Wolf Blitzer]

Wolf Blitzer: Ma’am, that wasn’t a question. And your time is up.

[Cut to Rachael Green]

Rachael Green: Oh. Oh, great! Great!

[Cut to Wolf Blitzer]

Wolf Blitzer: Our next question comes from a father of six. He’s a OBGYN in Brooklyn and his name is Dr. Cliff Huxtable.

[Cut to Hillary Clinton and Bernie Sanders]

Hillary Clinton and Bernie Sanders: Oh, no! No! No!

Bernie Sanders: Forget that. No.

[Hillary Clinton turns around]

I need black voters but not that bad.

[Cut to Wolf Blitzer]

Wolf Blitzer: Okay. Then it looks like we have one final question, and we’re going back to Miss Elaine Benes.

[Cut to Elaine Benes]

Elaine Benes: Yea, senator Sanders, [Cut to split screen] you believe that the super rich should pay more in taxes.

Bernie Sanders: Yeah. Right. That’s right.

Elaine Benes: But wouldn’t that be bad for actors who made a lot of money on a certain very successful sitcom?

Bernie Sanders: Yeah. So?

Elaine Benes: Well, I mean wouldn’t it be even worse for the person who created that sitcom? I mean, wouldn’t he lose a lot of money? Do you see what I’m saying?

[Cut to Bernie Sanders]

Bernie Sanders: Eee- yeah, yeah, yeah. You should vote for her.

[Cut to Hillary Clinton and Bernie Sanders. Elaine Benes runs in.]

Hillary Clinton: That’s me, yes. And…

Hillary Clinton, Bernie Sanders and Elaine Benes: Live from New York, it’s Saturday night.

[The End]

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King is directing his fourteenth season of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him nine Emmys and thirteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for thirteen DGA Awards and won in 2014, 2016, 2017, 2018 and 2019. Mr. King is also the creative director of Broadway Worldwide which brings theatrical events to theaters. The company has produced Smokey Joe’s Café; Putting It Together with Carol Burnett; Jekyll & Hyde; and Memphis, all directed by Mr. King. He completed the screen capture of Broadway's Romeo & Juliet in 2013. - LinkedIn

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