Casey Affleck
Alec Baldwin
John Goodman
Black Santa… Kenan Thompson
[Starts with SNL monologue intro]
[Cut to SNL stage]
[Band is playing music]
Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen, Casey Affleck.
[Casey Affleck walks in and to the stage]
[cheers and applause]
Casey Affleck: Thank you. Thank you, thank you, thank you very much. Thank you. Wow, it’s great to be here hosting the show tonight. Ah! Saturday Night Live and I began the same year, 1975. We’re exactly the same age. And like SNL, people tend to say that I was a lot funnier back then too. I’m so happy they asked me to host the SNL Christmas show. But I kind of have to wonder, why me? I mean, why didn’t they get classic hosts like Will Ferrell or Tina Fey or Jimmy Fallon or maybe someone cool like [Alec Baldwin walks in] Bruno Mars or [John Goodman walks in] Miley Cyrus [Alec Baldwin and John Goodman turn away and walk out] or Alec Baldwin and John Goodman. [Alec Baldwin and John Goodman walk in again and stand quietly behind Casey Affleck]
[cheers and applause]
Although, that would be a little desperate, right? I mean, being in the first sketch and the monologue? A man’s got to have some dignity.
[Alec Baldwin and John Goodman look at each other and walk out again]
But I guess it makes sense that I’m here tonight because I’m in a new movie. That’s called ‘Manchester by the Sea’. Thank you. It opened wide last night and it’s an incredibly depressing picture. It is. It’s really a downer. I mean it’s great. I’m really proud of it. Please go see it.it’s a beautiful testament to what we’ll do for our family, for how everyone deserves a second chance and also to how unbearably sad movies can be. But it’s also great… but sad. But funny, but just crushingly sad. But it’s also not as sad as ‘Ocean’s Casey AffleckAlec Baldwin’, which I was also in. So, maybe give it a shot. Um, and I don’t know if you have noticed but I have this kind of scraggly beard and not in a Santa way but more like a ‘duck dynasty’ way. But I have to keep it. It’s for the next movie I’m doing which is animated [laughing] but that’s how committed I am to my craft.
All that aside, the real reason I belong here tonight is that I love Christmas. I love it more than anybody else. Christmas makes me happy. It touches something inside of me. [music playing] Although I’m not going to sing about it. [music stops] But the holidays, they just have a way of renewing us, reminding us of what we do have and the better future we can make. At Christmas time, it feels like anything is possible. [music playing] Um, except for singing. [music stops] That’s not gonna happen. But other things are possible.
[Alec Baldwin and John Goodman walk in]
Alec Baldwin: Casey, you don’t have to sing to be a great host.
Casey Affleck: Oh, wow, John Goodman and Alec Baldwin.
[cheers and applause]
You really think I don’t have to sing?
John Goodman: Yeah. I mean, between the three of us, we have hosted SNL 31 times.
Alec Baldwin: We believe in you just like we believe in another special guy with a beard. You might have heard of him, Black Santa Claus.
[Black Santa walks in]
[cheers and applause]
Black Santa: Yo, yo, yo! I’m just kidding. It’s ho, ho, ho.
Alec Baldwin: Ah! You take it from here, Black Santa
Black Santa: Oh, you got it, white Baldwin! Now, Casey, all you need to host a great show is a little Christmas magic. See?
[female voices carolling]
Casey Affleck: Oh, wow! Wow! You’re right. Look, it’s happening. Merry Christmas, Santa.
Black Santa: Actually, I’m Jewish.
Casey Affleck: Well, close enough. oh, we’ve got a great show.
[Alec Baldwin laughing hard]
Chance the Rapper is here. So, stick around and we’ll be right back.
