Jake… Beck Bennett
Donald Trump… Darrell Hammond
Chris Christie… Bobby Moynihan
Hillary Clinton… Kate McKinnon
Ted Cruz… Taran Killam
Mitt Romney… Jason Sudeikis
[Starts with Jake in his set]Jake: It’s been a crazy week in politics. So, as tonight’s election results continue to roll in, let’s take a look back at past seven days. Donald Trump was endorsed by governor Chris Christie and dominated super Tuesday. Here’s what he had to say at the celebratory press conference.
[Cut to Donald Trump and Chris Christie]Donald Trump: What a great, great night. I really am running the best campaign, aren’t I? The media is saying they haven’t seen anything like this. Not since Germany in the 1930s. I mean, everyone loves me. Racists, ugly racists, people who didn’t even know they were racists, people who’s eyes are like this, [making faces], and this guy loves me, don’t you? [talking to the audience] Wait, what’s that? Get him out! As I was saying, everyone loves me. I even got this fat piece of crap behind me now. [pointing at Chris Christie] Isn’t that right, Chris?
Chris Christie: Yes, sir. Thank you sir. Please sir. May I have another.
Donald Trump: I mean, he really is a sad desperate little potato back there. Aren’t you, Chris?
Chris Christie: Yes, sir. Thank you sir. Please sir. May I have another.
Donald Trump: No. Go get on a plane. Go home.
Chris Christie: Okay. You got it.
[Chris Christie leaves]Donald Trump: Also, P.S. America, I have a great, big, huge dick.
[Cut to Jake in his set]Jake: Alright viewers, I know this is gonna be boring, but let’s take a quick look at the democrats. Tonight is shaping up to be a big night for Bernie, but Hillary Clinton scored big on super Tuesday. Here’s a clip of her thanking supporters.
Hillary Clinton: Yes, hello. Hello. Thank you. I’d just like to say, thank the f-ing lord! I won seven states tonight and to celebrate, I bought myself this brand new storm trooper coat. And to everyone who voted for me, thank you for trusting that I, Hillary Clinton, can bring this country together. Just like I brought these 10 black people and one Muslim person together behind me tonight for this speech. Yes! I hear these people are great, they are strong, they’re beautiful and they’ve all been punched in the nose at the Trump rally. And speaking of Trump, he is on track to become the Republican nominee. So, to all of you voters our there who have thought for years “I hate Hillary, I can never vote for her”, to you I say, “Welcome.” Coz I’ve got clowns to the left of me, jokers to the right, and here you are stuck in the middle with me! Yes!
[Cut to Jake]Jake: Powerful speech. Now, let’s get back to the fun stuff, the republicans. Tonight’s election results are in and here to talk about his big win is senator Ted Cruz. Caution: We’re about to show his whole face on the screen. So viewer discretion is advised.
[Cut to split screen of Jake and Ted Cruz]Ted Cruz: Hello, Jake.
[Jake gets scared looking at his face]Jake: Still got me even though I knew it was coming.
Ted Cruz: Happens to everyone.
Jake: Now, senator. Tonight you beat Trump in both Kansas and Maine which was a huge upset.
Ted Cruz: That’s right. I beat him good. And when I beat someone, it hurts because I still wear my big ugly class ring. [showing the ring he’s wearing on his finger] Ha-ha-ha. That’s right. I’m one of those guys.
[Cut to Jake]Jake: But you did still lose tonight in Kentucky and Louisiana.
[Cut to Ted Cruz]Ted Cruz: And that’s okay. I still love those states like they’re my own children. An Just like my own children, tonight those states said, “Ew, gross. I hate you.”
[Cut to Jake]Jake: Now senator, let’s talk quickly about Thursday’s GOP debate which many called ‘Craze Balls’.
[Cut to Ted Cruz]Ted Cruz: Oh, yes. The debate was so much fun. I talked policy. I laid out my plan for America. And right at the end, I ate a tiny little white booger off my lip.
Jake: Yes, that was absolutely disgusting.
Ted Cruz: Ha-ha. I know, right? [laughing]
Jake: Alright, thank you senator. [Cut to Jake] And finally joining us now, he came out strong against Donald Trump. With the unprecedented public address on Thursday, 2012 presidential candidate, Mitt Romney. Hello governor.
[Cut to Mitt Romney]Mitt Romney: Hello, Jake. Hi, Jake. Thanks for having me. Now, that’s right America, I’m back. You didn’t ask for it but you got it.
[Cut to split screen of Jake and Mitt Romney]Jake: Now governor, why have you decided to speak out against Donald Trump?
Mitt Romney: Well Jake, for the last nine months, I’ve sat down and watched Donald Trump say something every day that was either racist or sexist. [Cut to Mitt Romney] And we in the GOP, the party of the great Ronald Regan, we do not say racist and sexist things. We imply them, shuttly over decades and decades of policy. So I felt that I had to take matters into my own tanned well manicured hands and follow the advise of my favorite rapster, Macklemore. That’s right. And I chose to put Donald Trump on blast. America, he’s a fool.
Jake: Four years ago, he endorsed you for president.
[Cut to Mitt Romney]Mitt Romney: Like I said, he’s a fool. He’s a fraud. He’s a scam. He’s a what? He’s a what? He’s a flimflam man. Now, if you vote for Donald Trump, and I hate to use a curse word on television, but if you vote for him, you’re a sucker. Aw, forgive me Joseph Smith. Oh, boy.
[Cut to split screen]Jake: Wow. You are pretty riled up.
Mitt Romney: Yeah. You’re gosh darn right I am. [Cut to Mitt Romney] And that’s why on last Thursday, I rolled up my $1,000 monogram sleeves, I took a couple of shots of non-alcoholic kahlua, I did 10 women’s pushups and then I went out there and I gave the most aggressive passionate well measured anti-Trump speech I could.
[Cut to split screen]Jake: And you think your speech changed the minds of any Trump supporters?
Mitt Romney: I do not.
Jake: Do you think any Trump supporters even watched?
Mitt Romney: Not on purpose. No.
Jake: You think your speech hurt Trump at all?
Mitt Romney: Honestly, I would assume it probably helped him.
Jake: Alright, is there anything you would like to say directly to Donald Trump?
[Cut to Mitt Romney]Mitt Romney: Yes, yes, there is. Donald, you’re duplicitous, you’re reckless and if you become the republican nominee, know this, I would make a great vice president. and live from New York, it’s Saturday night!
[The End]