Michelle… Cecily Strong
Dustin… Beck Bennett
Jared… Kyle Mooney
Frank… Mikey Day
Ryan Mack… John Cena[Starts with MTV show schedule]
Male voice: You’re watching MTV. At six, it’s ‘Teen Mom’. At seven, it’s ‘Teen Wolf’. And at eight, it’s ‘Teen Wolf Mom’. But first, it’s time for all new, ‘Hook a Hunk’.[Cut to the Hook a Hunk stage. There is a lady and three guys on the stage.]
Female voice: Tonight, things are heating up. We got one lucky girl.[Cut to Michelle]
Michelle: I’m Michelle. I’m 22. and when it comes to love, I’ma all about it.
Female voice: Who gets to hook one of three hot hunks.
Dustin: I’m Dustin. I have two cats and I think you’re purr-fect.
Jared: I’m Jared. I love hotdogs. And if you are, I’d relish you.
Frank: I’m Frank. I’m a magician. And if you give me a chance, I think my penis could do the trick.
Female voice: Who will she choose? Let’s find out now on Hook a Hunk. With your host Ryan Mack.[Ryan Mack walks in]
Ryan Mack: Hey, everyone. Welcome to the show. Let’s get started.
Michelle: Oh, my god. You’re– you’re the host?
Ryan Mack: Yeah, I’m Ryan.
Michelle: Oh, I’m– I’m Michelle. I’m the contestant.
Ryan Mack: I know it. I know coz I’m–
Michelle: You’re the host. Of course. I’m– That was stupid.
Ryan Mack: No. No, it was cool. You wanna play the game?
Michelle: Yeah. I’m sorry. I’m just– I’m nervous.
Ryan Mack: You’re gonna do great. Just be yourself and relax.
Michelle: [flirting] Yeah, easy for you to say. You run this whole place.
Ryan Mack: Shut up.
Michelle: You shut up.[Cut to the hunks]
Jared: Ha-ha. Ready whenever you are, Ryan.
Dustin: Yeah, this hunk is ready to get hooked.
Frank: Forget these bozos, Michelle. I know you’re going to hook me.[Cut to Michelle and Ryan Mack. Michelle is feeling Ryan Mack’s biceps.]
Michelle: My god, your arms are so big.
Ryan Mack: Too big?
Michelle: No, no, no. Like, I bet you could pick me up so easily.
Ryan Mack: You want me to try?
Michelle: Right now? You are so crazy, Ryan. Um, but… what are you doing tonight?
Ryan Mack: Well, I just have this thing to do for an hour. Then I’m free. You wanna grab some food?
Michelle: Yeah. Sure. What kind of food do you like?[Cut to the hunks]
Jared: Well, for me, my favorite food is strawberries because I’m sweet and, yeah, I like to jam.
Dustin: And I like toast because I want to toast to you, Michelle, and the rest of our lives together.[Cut to Michelle and Ryan Mack. Michelle is holding Ryan Mack’s hand.]
Michelle: Babe, it’s okay, you can tell me what it is.
Ryan Mack: Well, I had a younger brother but he died.
Michelle: Oh, no. I’m so sorry.
Ryan Mack: His last words were ‘Find the right girl.”
Michelle: We should visit his grave. Oh my god, I’m sorry. That was so forward of me.
Ryan Mack: No, it’s not. You’re a family now.[Cut to the hunks]
Dustin: And if I was on a desert island, the two things I would bring are my guitar and you, Michelle.[Cut to Michelle and Ryan Mack. Michelle is leaning her head on Ryan Mack’s shoulder.]
Ryan Mack: I feel like we’re the only two people alive.
Michelle: Hey, how did you get that scar?
Ryan Mack: I don’t want to tell you. I would just scare you away.
Michelle: Look at me. Nothing is scaring me away.[Michelle and Ryan Mack start kissing] [Cut to the hunks]
Jared: [looking around confused] And for me, if I was on a desert island, I would bring you, Michelle, and one dozen roses.
Dustin: That’s a really good answer.
Jared: No, it wasn’t. They’re not even listening. I feel so stupid.
Dustin: Hey, you’re not stupid. You’re smart.
Dustin: Yeah. I mean, that thing you said before about the strawberries, that was awesome.[Jared hits Dustin in a playful way]
Jared: You’re just saying that.
Dustin: [staring at Jared] I’m not[Dustin and Jared start kissing]
Female voice: This is been another episode of ‘Hook a hunk’. Until next time, stay horny.
Frank: Um, so, should I just go or…?