Donald Trump vs. Hillary Clinton Third Debate Cold Open

Chris Wallace… Tom Hanks

Hillary Clinton… Kate McKinnon

Donald Trump… Alec Baldwin

[Starts with The Presidential Debate intro]

[Cut to Chris Wallace in his set]

Chris Wallace: Good evening. Good evening. I’m Chris Wallace and welcome to the third and final Presidential Debate. Tonight is going to be a lot like the third lord of the rings movie. You don’t really wanna watch, but hey you’ve come this far. Now, let’s welcome the candidates. Donald J. Trump and Secretary Hillary Clinton.

[Cut to Hillary Clinton and Donald Trump walking towards their podium]

[Cut to Hillary Clinton]

Hillary Clinton: Hi, how are you. Hello, Chris. Thank you for having me. IN the first debate, I set the table. In the second debate, I fired up the grill. And tonight, [shows two knives] I feast.

[Cut to Donald Trump]

Donald Trump: Chris, I’m going to start this debate in the quietest voice possible. In the past, I have been big and loud but tonight I am a sweet little baby Trump.

[Cut to Chris Wallace]

Chris Wallace: That is good to hear. Our first question is for you and it is about reproductive rights.

[Cut to split screen with Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton]

Donald Trump: [yelling] They’re ripping babies out of vaginas.

Hillary Clinton: Listen, Chris, I’m glad you raised this topic because what two better people are there to talk about women’s issues? Me, a woman who has had a child and has taken birth control and him, a man who is a child and whose face is birth control.

[Cut to Chris Wallace]

Chris Wallace: And we’re off to the races. Let’s talk integration. Mr. Trump, why are you immigration policies better than secretary Clinton’s?

[Cut to split screen with Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton]

Donald Trump: Because she wants open borders and that is crazy. I mean, people are just pouring into this country from Mexico and a lot of them are very bad hombre.

Hillary Clinton: Oh, bingo! Bingo! I got bingo. [Cut to Hillary Clinton. She takes out the Trump Bingo card.] Sorry. Sorry. I’ve been playing all year and I got it. I have ‘Bad hombre’, ‘rapists’, ‘miss piggy’, ‘they’re all living in hell’ and ‘if she wasn’t my daughter’.

[Cut to Chris Wallace]

Chris Wallace: Congratulations secretary Clinton. Mr. Trump, please continue.

[Cut to split screen with Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton]

Donald Trump: I have a fantastic relationship with Mexico, okay? I have personally met with the Mexican president. I forgot his name. I think it was something like Mr. Guacamole. I’m sorry, excuse me. Senior Guacamole. I also met his beautiful wife, Takito. And their twin children, chips and salsa.

Hillary Clinton: Chris, here is the truth. Donald said he was gonna be tough on Mexico but when he met with the president, he choked.

Donald Trump: Wrong, trademark.

Hillary Clinton: He has also said he is gonna be tough on Russia but he is basically Putin’s puppet.

Donald Trump: Liar, trademark.

Hillary Clinton: And he has promised to be tough on ISIS, but he has never explained how.

Donald Trump: That’s not exactly true. Here is exactly what I’ll do. First off, Mosul, it’s sad. And we’re going after Mosul because ISIS isn’t Mosul but she created ISIS. And Iran should write us a letter of thank you, because Iran is taking Iraq. And so we’re going to Mosul and Iran’s going to write us a letter of– listen, where Aleppo isn’t a disaster and Iran is Iraq and with Mosul, it’s ISIS–

Chris Wallace: Mr. Trump, Mr. Trump, [Cut ot Chris Wallace] We have to move on.

Donald Trump: Oh, thank god. I don’t know if you could tell but I was really spinning out of control.

[Cut to Chris Wallace]

Chris Wallace: Secretary Clinton, now I’d like to ask you about an ongoing issue for your campaign. Wikileaks has been releasing your campaign emails, many of which raise some serious questions.

[Cut to Hillary Clinton]

Hillary Clinton: Thank you, um, for bringing up my emails, Chris. I am very happy to clarify what was in some of them. [looks away] Um, sorry, what? Carol? What? [looks to the camera] Sorry, I thought I heard my friend Carol. Anyway, back to your question about the way that Donald treats women. And that is you pivot.

[Cut to Chris Wallace]

Chris Wallace: So, you’re just never going to answer a question about your emails?

[Cut to Hillary Clinton]

Hillary Clinton: No, but it is a very cute to watch you try.

[Cut to Chris Wallace]

Chris Wallace: Now, Mr. Trump, in the last week, 11 women accused you of sexually assaulting them. Do you still deny each of those claims?

[Cut to Donald Trump]

Donald Trump: Chris, of course I do. I’m completely innocent. I’ve said this before and I’ll say it again. Nobody has more respect for women than I do.

[Cut to a video clip of audience laughing]

[Cut to Chris Wallace]

Chris Wallace: Alright! Alright! Settle down. Settle down, entire planet. Settle down. Our next question is about the economy. Mr. Trump, why are you better equipped than secretary Clinton to fix the economy?

[Cut to split screen with Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton]

Donald Trump: Because Hillary has no idea how to fix anything. If she did, she would have done it already. I mean, what has she been doing–

[Cut to Chris Wallace]

Chris Wallace: No, Donald, don’t. Don’.t

Donald Trump: For the last 30 years.

Chris Wallace: — don’t set her up please.

[Cut to split screen with Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton]

Hillary Clinton: I’d be happy to talk about last 30 years.

[Cut to Chris Wallace]

Chris Wallace: Oh, no. Not again.

[Cut to Hillary Clinton]

Hillary Clinton: Back in the 1970s, I worked for the children’s defense fund.

Chris Wallace: Yes, yes, yes. We know.

Hillary Clinton: Then I was a senator in New York on 9/11.

Chris Wallace: Yeah, we get it. We get it.

Hillary Clinton: And then I was secretary of state and I don’t know if you’ve heard this before–

Chris Wallace: We have.

Hillary Clinton: — but I was instrumental in taking down a man by the name of–

Chris Wallace: Osama Bin Laden.

Hillary Clinton: Osaamaaa a-Bin a-Laden!

[Cut to Chris Wallace]

Chris Wallace: We’re very proud of your accomplishments secretary.

[Cut to Donald Trump]

Donald Trump: Chris, if she can brag about her resume but I am the one who’s got all the heavy hitters supporting me. I mean I have got the creme of the crop. I’ve got Sarah Palin. I’ve got Chachi, and get this, I’ve even got the best Baldwin brother, Steven Baldwin.

[Cut to Chris Wallace]

Chris Wallace: Secretary Clinton, let’s move on to entitlement. Will you raise taxes to save programs like Social Security and Medicare?

[Cut to split screen with Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton]

Hillary Clinton: Yes, but only on the very wealthy. For example, my contributions will go up as well Donald’s assuming he doesn’t figure out a way to get out of that.

Donald Trump: Such a nasty woman.

[Cut to Chris Wallace]

Chris Wallace: Whao! Whao! Whao! Mr. Trump, that was incredibly rude to secretary Clinton.

[Cut to Hillary Clinton]

Hillary Clinton: Thank you, Chris. That’s exactly the kind of language that has poisoned and debased this election. And if you agree, go to hillaryclinton.com and buy a limited edition ‘Nasty woman’ mugs.

[Cut to Chris Wallace]

Chris Wallace: And now we have returned to the big story of the week. Mr. Trump, it has become very clear that you’re probably going to lose.

[Cut to split screen with Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton]

Donald Trump: Correct.

[Cut to Chris Wallace]

Chris Wallace: Now, when you do, will you accept the results of the election?

[Cut to split screen with Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton]

Donald Trump: I will look at it at the time because, frankly, this whole thing is rigged. Even the media. Everyday I turn on the news, and all of the news casters are making me look so bad.

[Cut to Chris Wallace]

Chris Wallace: And how are we doing that?

[Cut to split screen with Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton]

Donald Trump: By taking all of the things I say and all of the things I do and putting them on TV.

[Cut to Chris Wallace]

Chris Wallace: Donald, Donald, listen, I’m trying to help you buddy. So, repeat after me. I, Donald Trump…

[Cut to Donald Trump]

Donald Trump: I, the best ever, Donald Trump…

[Cut to Chris Wallace]

Chris Wallace: …promise to accept…

[Cut to Donald Trump]

Donald Trump: …promise to accept…

[Cut to Chris Wallace]

Chris Wallace: …the results of this election.

[Cut to Donald Trump]

Donald Trump: … the results of this election if I win. Got you loser, trademark.

[Cut to split screen with Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton]

Hillary Clinton: Chris, what he has just said is horrifying. And that’s why, Americans have an important decision to make. Between the two of us, who do you trust to be your president? The republican or Donald Trump?

[Cut to Chris Wallace]

Chris Wallace: Thank you secretary. Now, we are almost out of time.

[Cut to Donald Trump]

Donald Trump: Yeah? No, let me just make sure that I’ve said everything that I wanted to say. [Donald Trump pulls out a paper that has ‘nasty woman’ written on it. He turns over the paper, it has ‘bad hombre’ written on it.] Okay, I’m good. I’m good.

[Cut to Chris Wallace]

Chris Wallace: Now, before we conclude, you each will have one minute for your closing statements. Mr. Trump, we’ll start with you.

[Cut to Donald Trump]

Donald Trump: Thank you, Chris. And thank you to all of my supporters. Because of you, I am winning in every single poll taken outside of the crackle barrel.

[Cut to Chris Wallace]

Hillary Clinton: Secretary Clinton.

[Cut to Hillary Clinton]

Hillary Clinton: Listen America, Donald Trump cannot be president. He would be a disaster. A failure. A complete F. And America, you deserve better than an F. So, on November 8th, vote for me and I promise I will be a stone cold B. [winks]

[Cut to split screen with Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton]

Donald Trump: And then on November 9th, make sure to check out Trump TV. You’re gonna hate it.

Hillary Clinton and Donald Trump: And live from New York, it’s Saturday night.