Martha Raddatz… Cecily Strong
Anderson Cooper… Alex Moffat
Donald Trump… Alec Baldwin
Hillary Clinton… Kate McKinnon
Patrice Brock… Leslie Jones
Ken Karpawoods… Beck Bennett
James Carter… Michael Che
Ken Bone… Bobby Moynihan
Carl Becker… Kyle Mooney
Martha Raddatz: Hello and welcome to the second and worst ever presidential debate. I’m Martha Raddatz.
Anderson Cooper: And I’m Anderson Cooper. And before we begin, we just need to do one last thing.[Martha Raddatz and Anderson Cooper takes a shot of tequila.]
Martha Raddatz: Ah, much better. Now let’s get this nightmare started. Please help us welcome the candidates. Republican nominee Donald Trump and can we say this yet?
Anderson Cooper: Probably fine.
Martha Raddatz: President Hillary Clinton.[Cut to the stage. Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton walk in to their chairs.] [cheers and applause] [Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton walk to the middle and then start staring at each other and walking around.] [Cut to Martha Raddatz and Anderson Cooper]
Martha Raddatz: Okay, thank you both for being here.
Hillary Clinton: Thank you for having me. I’d like to begin tonight by attempting a casual lean. [Hillary Clinton leans on the chair that she’s supposed to sit on] Got it![Cut to Donald Trump]
Donald Trump: Martha, tonight I’m going to do three things. I’m going to huff. I’m going to puff. And I’m going to blow this whole thing.[Cut to Martha Raddatz and Anderson Cooper]
Martha Raddatz: Now, tonight’s debate is a town hall which means we’ll be taking questions from voters in the audience. They are undecided, uncommitted and not remotely camera ready.
Anderson Cooper: Secretary Clinton, we’ll start with you. Your question comes from Patrice Brock.[Cut to Patrice Brock in the audience]
Patrice: Hello. My question is do you feel that you’re modeling appropriate and positive behavior for today’s youth?[Cut to Hillary Clinton]
Hillary Clinton: Hi, Patrice. Let me start by walking over to you just as I practiced. [walking near Patrice] Right, left, right, left. Speak. Now, Patrice, you’re a teacher?
Hillary Clinton: You have kids?
Hillary Clinton: You like kids?
Hillary Clinton: You’ve seen kids?
Hillary Clinton: Okay, great. We’re bonding already. Oh, my friend Patrice. Patrice, I strive to be a positive role model for all children. Children like my daughter Chelsea and my granddaughter Chelsea Jr.[Cut to Anderson Cooper]
Anderson Cooper: Mr. Trump, same question. Do you feel like your’e modeling appropriate and positive behavior for today’s youth?[Cut to Donald Trump]
Donald Trump: No. Next.
Anderson Cooper: So, you don’t care about the kids?[Cut to Donald Trump]
Donald Trump: Listen, I love the kids. I love them so much I’d marry them. I’ve been helping kids my whole life and in 1992 I helped a kid named Kevin McCallister to find the hotel lobby. You might remember the documentary Home Alone II: Lost in New York.[Cut to Martha Raddatz]
Martha Raddatz: Okay. Moving on, Mr. Trump, we received a lot of questions online about the audio tape that was released last week bragging about sexually assaulting women.[Cut to Donald Trump]
Donald Trump: Listen, what I said is nothing compared to what Bill Clinton has done, okay? He has abused women and Martha, Anderson, hold on to your nips and your nuts because four of those women are here tonight. Four of them.[Cut to Hillary Clinton]
Hillary Clinton: Wait, I’m sorry, who’s here? [sobbing and mocking] Mistresses? Bill, how could you? I would like to water the debate, now I’ll never be able to remember my facts and figures now. Oh, Donald, no! Get real. I’m made of steal. This is nothing. Hi girls.
Donald Trump: Martha, she is trying to silence these women but they need to be respected. They need their voices heard.[Cut to Martha Raddatz]
Martha Raddatz: What about the all the women accusing you of sexual assault?[Cut to Donald Trump]
Donald Trump: They need to shut the hell up.[Cut to Martha Raddatz]
Martha Raddatz: Alright, let’s move on. Our next question is from Ken Karpawoods.[Cut to Ken Karpawoods in the audience]
Ken: Thank you, I’ve got the boring one. The affordable care act is not affordable. What will you do to bring the cost down and make coverage better?[Cut to Hillary Clinton]
Hillary Clinton: Well, Ken, that’s a great question. I agree that Obamacare can be improved Ken, but it does have it’s benefits. [Donald Trump walks behind Hillary Clinton. Hillary Clinton doesn’t know it.] Number one, insurance companies can’t deny your coverages because of preexisting condition. [Donald Trump slowly walks near Hillary Clinton as she speaks] Number two, no lifetime limits which, you know, is a big deal if you have serious health problem. And number three– [Donald Trump runs behind Hillary Clinton and gets back to his place. Hillary Clinton doesn’t know about it.] Sorry, I thought I– And number three, women can’t be charged– [Donald Trump pass walks behind Hillary Clinton again. Hillary Clinton is looking around having no idea what’s going on.] Thought I– Women can’t be charged more than men for health insurance. Okay? And number four–[Donald Trump jumps in and shouts at the mic. Hillary Clinton gets scared.] [Cut to Martha Raddatz]
Martha Raddatz: Okay, let’s take another question. This one comes from James Carter.[Cut to James Carter in the audience.]
James: Good evening, Mr. Trump.[Cut to Donald Trump]
Donald Trump: Oh, no![Cut to James]
James: My question is do you believe you can be a devoted president to all the people?[Cut to Donald Trump]
Donald Trump: That is a great question, Denzel. Thank you for this question about the inner cities.[Cut to James]
James: My name is James and I didn’t ask anything about no inner cities.[Cut to Donald Trump]
Donald Trump: The inner cities are a mess, okay? Just last month I was in Detroit and everywhere I looked, there were violent, crazy people and lot of them had guns. And they were screaming horrible things like, “Trump for president.”[Cut to James]
James: I think you were at one of your own rallies.[Cut to Donald Trump]
Donald Trump: Martha, this black man is attacking me. Also, speaking of black men, you know who else should be in jail? Hillary Clinton. She has committed so many crimes, she is basically a black.[Cut to Anderson Cooper]
Anderson Cooper: Secretary Clinton? Do you wish to respond to that?[cut to Hillary Clinton]
Hillary Clinton: No, cool. Because as my best friend Michelle Obama once said, when they go low, you go high. God, I love that quote. Almost as memorable as when I said, “Trumped up trickled down economy.” Just a couple of equally famous quotes from a couple of equally lovable women.[Cut to Martha Raddatz and Anderson Cooper]
Martha Raddatz: Alright, and now since everyone has been so good, it’s time for a special treat.
Anderson Cooper: That’s right. Ladies and gentlemen, [drums rolling] put your hands together for the one and only, Mr. Ken Bone.[Cut to Ken Bone] [cheers and applause]
Ken Bone: You all ready for this?[music starts playing and Ken Bone starts dancing.] [Cut to Martha Raddatz and Anderson Cooper]
Martha Raddatz: Oh my god, he is so cute.
Anderson Cooper: I really needed that right now.
Martha Raddatz: No, wait. Ken, you’re not gonna turn out to be a weird little creep or anything are you?[Cut to Ken Bone]
Ken Bone: Maybe.[Cut to Martha Raddatz and Anderson Cooper]
Martha Raddatz: God! We can’t have anything nice.
Anderson Cooper: Oh well. Well, we have time for one final question and it comes from Carl Becker.[Cut to Carl Becker in the audience]
Carl: Good evening. My question is for Hillary. Tonight Donald Trump said you should be in jail. He said you have hate in your heart and he followed you around the stage like a shark. So my question is, what do you like about him?[Cut to Hillary Clinton]
Hillary Clinton: Well, this one’s actually easy. Donald Trump and I disagree on almost everything but I do like how generous he is. Just last Friday, he handed me this election.[Hillary Clinton starts showing some dance moves] [Cut to Anderson Cooper]
Anderson Cooper: Mr. Trump, one thing you like about Secretary Clinton?[Cut to Donald Trump]
Donald Trump: I like that she’s a fighter and that she doesn’t give up. Which is why I need all my supporters to get out there and vote on election day, mark your calendars, write it down. Here is the day, it’s November 35th.[Hillary Clinton jumps in.]
Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton: And live from New York, it’s Saturday night.