Vanessa Bayer
Beck Bennett
Aidy Bryant
Cecily Strong
Dave Chapelle
Larry… Chris Rock
[Starts with a group of people watching the Election Night on TV]Announcer: This is election night in America. [marking Tuesday AT 6 PM]
Vanessa: I can’t believe after all this, it’s gonna finally be over.
Beck: I don’t know. We’ll see. Trump’s already got lawyers to fight the results.
Aidy: Okay, don’t even joke about that. Or I will leave. [giggling]
Cecily: Guys, we’re about to have our first woman president. Like, this is gonna be a historic night.
Dave: Yeah. Yeah, it might be a historic night but just don’t forget it’s a big country.
[Time marking 6:thirty PM]Cecily: My friend at the Huffington Post said she wins by five points.
Vanessa: Oh, I don’t know, my friend at Slate says she’ll win by three.
Aidy: Oh, well, she’ll definitely win the electoral college, fur sure, but I guess there is like a nightmare scenario where he wins the popular vote.
[Dave looks nervous by that news]Dave: Really? That’s the nightmare scenario, huh?
Beck: Because of shifting demographics, there might never be another republican president in this country.
Dave: Word? You’ve ever been around this country before?
[Time marking 7 PM]Male voice: We project Kentucky will go to Donald Trump.
Beck: Yeah, well, of course he won Kentucky. I mean, that’s where all the racists are.
[Dave is looking at Beck]Dave: All of them are in Kentucky?
Vanessa: You know, she got Vermont.
Dave: [screaming] Oh, shit! Vermont? Three electoral votes? Now that’s power grab.
Cecily: Okay, this says, “Florida is too close to call.”
Aidy: Okay, no, no, it says, “Too early to call.” There’s only % in.
Beck: You know what? I’m gonna go ahead and call it. Florida is going blue. To Latinos!
All (except Dave): To Latinos.
[Dave looks confused] [Time marking 8 PM]Beck: Well, of course he’s gonna win Ohio. We knew that. But if we can get Pennsylvania, Florida and North Carolina, we don’t even need Ohio.
Dave: Then, if the Indians scored four more runs, they would have won the world series too, dude.
Vanessa: I’m gonna grab a xanax from the bedroom.
Aidy: Okay, grab me 6.
Vanessa: Yeah, I’m just gonna bring the whole bottle. How’s that?
[Time marking 8:thirty PM]Beck: Look, early returns are always going to be republican because republicans go to sleep early. It’s just a fact.
Vanessa: I just talked to my brother in law at CBS, he says Trump’s gonna win Florida.
Dave: Word, um, I guess the Latinos didn’t hear about your toast.
[Time marking 10 PM] [Larry walks in]Larry: Hey, guys. What did I miss?
Aidy: Larry, Trump might actually win.
Larry: I mean, of course. What re you talking about?
Dave: I tried to tell them there.
Cecily: What is happening? Why are women even voting for him?
Larry: Yeah, I don’t get you ladies. I mean, the country is 55% women. I mean, if the country was 55% black, we’d have tons of black presidents. Flavor Flav would be a president.
[Time marking 11 PM]Vanessa: Okay, um, all she has to do is come back and win Wisconsin, come back and win Michigan, come back and win Pennsylvania.
Cecily: Some of the counties– The urban counties– they’re so– Black people vote late.
Larry: Yeah, let’s hope there’s 100,000 of us in Green Bay. Those brothers love the packers.
[Time marking 12 AM]Beck: You never know, guys. Alaska is still out there.
Male voice: We’re now calling Alaska for Donald Trump.
Cecily: Oh my god! I think America is racist.
Dave: Oh… my… god! [acting surprised] You know, I remember my great grandfather told me something like that. But you know, he was like a slave, or something.
Aidy: I just– I can’t believe it. Like, why aren’t people turning out for Hillary the way they did for Barack Obama?
Larry: I mean, maybe because you’re replacing a charismatic 40 year old black guy with a 70 year old white woman. I mean, that’s like the Knicks replacing Patrick Ewing with Niel Patrick Harris.
[Time marking 2 AM]Male voice: And Donald Trump has been elected president of the United States.
Dave: Hey, you guys were right. It’s a historic night. Don’t worry about, 8 years are gonna fly by.
Larry: Yeah, don’t worry. It’s gonna be all white.
[Dave laughing]Aidy: What about undocumented immigrants?
Dave: Oh, they’re not going nowhere. Come on! You act like everybody trying to pick their own strawberries.
Cecily: This is crazy. I mean, do you even know what it’s like to be a woman in this country where you can’t get ahead no matter what you do.
Dave: Oh, geez. I don’t know. I’ll put my thinking cap on for that one and get back to you.
Larry: Ha-ha. Now, come on, guys. Get some rest. You got a lot of big day. You got a big day of moping and writing on Facebook tomorrow.
Beck: God! This is the most shameful thing America has ever done.
[Dave and Larry look at each other and laugh out loud]