Escape Pod


Taran Killam

Beck Bennett

Cecily Strong

Din… Fred Armisen

Kate McKinnon

[Starts with a clip of a space ship flying in the space. Subtitle says Andromeda Galaxy, year twentyfifty.] [The space ship is broken and fire breaks down] [Cut to four people panicking in the ship]

Taran: Ah! The evacuation. Great work finding that maintenance tunnel willow.

Beck: We’re too late. There’s only one escape pod left. Why didn’t they wait for us.

Taran: Half the ship is torn apart in a solar storm, Donar. It’s safe to assume they thought we were all dead.

Cecily: Well, one escape pod fits one person. So, who gets to live?

Taran: Alright. [opens his bag] Throw your ID badges in here. I draw your’s, you get the escape pod.

Din: What happens to everybody else?

Cecily: They stay here and wait to die.

[Taran draws an ID[

Taran: It’s Din.

Din: No, you guys. No.

Beck: First fair, Din.

Din: I’m a nobody. I don’t have kids. Why should I get to live?

Taran: It’s what fate decided.

[Din goes to the escape pod.]

Cecily: When you get to that moon base, tell the other colonists what happened here today. Tell them our story.

Din: [sobbing] I will. You’re my best friends. And now, you’re my heroes.

Taran: God speed, Din.

Din: I will tell your story.

[Din presses the button]

Assisting voice: Safety restraint engaging.

Din: You guys are the best.

Assisting voice: Safety restraint engaged.

Din: The world will know your sacrifice.

Assisting voice: Pre launch checklist. Do you wish to eat during the flight?

Din: How can I think about food when my friends are about to die?

Beck: Din, it’s okay.

Assisting voice: Do you wish to eat during your flight?

Din: I mean, I want the option. It’s a long flight. There you go. [presses yes] I’m not gonna even eat it. You know? Coz I’ll be thinking of your sacrifice.

Assisting voice: Select entree from menu.

Din: [frustrated] I don’t deserve an entree. [reading the menu] Korean style chicken with spicy sobe noodles and chobani.

Taran: Hey Din, if you see my wife up there, tell her I love her.

Din: I’ll tell her more than that. I’ll tell her that her husband–

Assisting voice: Select beverage.

Din: Um, vanilla milkshake. That her husband died a hero.

Assisting voice: Make inflight entertainment selection from film database.

Din: What? I don’t think that my friends are giving their lives so I can watch a movie. [looking at the list]

Assisting voice: You selected City Slickers II: The Legend of Curly’s Gold. Is that correct?

Din: Yes, it’s correct.

Assisting voice: Select seat mode. Standard, relaxed or pampered?

Din: Oh, my god! Why does it even matter? Um, pampered.

[two hands that comes out behind Din start massaging him]

Assisting voice: Activating deep issue massage.

Din: [enjoying massage] Oh, yes. I will never forget you guys. And neither will the world. Oh, that feels so good.

[the door of the escape pod slowly closes.] [Din is saluting at his friends]

Assisting voice: Countdown to launch.

Cecily: I hope he enjoys his first class flight while we wait to die.

[Kate walks in]

Kate: Wait! Wait! Oh! The blast fried the escape pod’s computers. They’re all flying directly into the sun. But I found a cargo shuttle below.

Taran: Lead the way.

Beck: What about Din?

[Cut to Din. He is enjoying his milkshake and laughing at the movie]

Taran: I’d hate to interrupt his dinner and the movie.

Cecily: Din, we’ll tell your story.

[Cut to the video clip of escape pod flying into the sun] [The End]

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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