Taran Killam
Beck Bennett
Cecily Strong
Din… Fred Armisen
Kate McKinnon
[Starts with a clip of a space ship flying in the space. Subtitle says Andromeda Galaxy, year twentyfifty.]
[The space ship is broken and fire breaks down]
[Cut to four people panicking in the ship]
Taran: Ah! The evacuation. Great work finding that maintenance tunnel willow.
Beck: We’re too late. There’s only one escape pod left. Why didn’t they wait for us.
Taran: Half the ship is torn apart in a solar storm, Donar. It’s safe to assume they thought we were all dead.
Cecily: Well, one escape pod fits one person. So, who gets to live?
Taran: Alright. [opens his bag] Throw your ID badges in here. I draw your’s, you get the escape pod.
Din: What happens to everybody else?
Cecily: They stay here and wait to die.
[Taran draws an ID[
Taran: It’s Din.
Din: No, you guys. No.
Beck: First fair, Din.
Din: I’m a nobody. I don’t have kids. Why should I get to live?
Taran: It’s what fate decided.
[Din goes to the escape pod.]
Cecily: When you get to that moon base, tell the other colonists what happened here today. Tell them our story.
Din: [sobbing] I will. You’re my best friends. And now, you’re my heroes.
Taran: God speed, Din.
Din: I will tell your story.
[Din presses the button]
Assisting voice: Safety restraint engaging.
Din: You guys are the best.
Assisting voice: Safety restraint engaged.
Din: The world will know your sacrifice.
Assisting voice: Pre launch checklist. Do you wish to eat during the flight?
Din: How can I think about food when my friends are about to die?
Beck: Din, it’s okay.
Assisting voice: Do you wish to eat during your flight?
Din: I mean, I want the option. It’s a long flight. There you go. [presses yes] I’m not gonna even eat it. You know? Coz I’ll be thinking of your sacrifice.
Assisting voice: Select entree from menu.
Din: [frustrated] I don’t deserve an entree. [reading the menu] Korean style chicken with spicy sobe noodles and chobani.
Taran: Hey Din, if you see my wife up there, tell her I love her.
Din: I’ll tell her more than that. I’ll tell her that her husband–
Assisting voice: Select beverage.
Din: Um, vanilla milkshake. That her husband died a hero.
Assisting voice: Make inflight entertainment selection from film database.
Din: What? I don’t think that my friends are giving their lives so I can watch a movie. [looking at the list]
Assisting voice: You selected City Slickers II: The Legend of Curly’s Gold. Is that correct?
Din: Yes, it’s correct.
Assisting voice: Select seat mode. Standard, relaxed or pampered?
Din: Oh, my god! Why does it even matter? Um, pampered.
[two hands that comes out behind Din start massaging him]
Assisting voice: Activating deep issue massage.
Din: [enjoying massage] Oh, yes. I will never forget you guys. And neither will the world. Oh, that feels so good.
[the door of the escape pod slowly closes.]
[Din is saluting at his friends]
Assisting voice: Countdown to launch.
Cecily: I hope he enjoys his first class flight while we wait to die.
[Kate walks in]
Kate: Wait! Wait! Oh! The blast fried the escape pod’s computers. They’re all flying directly into the sun. But I found a cargo shuttle below.
Taran: Lead the way.
Beck: What about Din?
[Cut to Din. He is enjoying his milkshake and laughing at the movie]
Taran: I’d hate to interrupt his dinner and the movie.
Cecily: Din, we’ll tell your story.
[Cut to the video clip of escape pod flying into the sun]
[The End]
