Daniel… Alex Moffat
Tod… Mikey Day
Melony… Emily Blunt
Cara… Leslie Jones
[Starts with Daniel and Tod in a hotel suite]
Daniel: Dude, I’m so nervous. Ah!
Tod: Dude, why? They’re escorts. We’re paying them to like us.
[door knocking]
Alright, they’re here. Let them in.
Daniel: Okay, yeah.
[Daniel opens the door. Two women walk in]
Melony: Well, hello. We’re dates from elegant evenings.
Cara: May we come in?
Daniel: Yes, of course. Come in.
Melony: Thank you.
Cara: Executive suite, impressive. You two must do well for yourselves.
Melony: Or their daddies do.
[Daniel and Tod laughing]
Daniel: Well.
Melony: Nice to meet you. What’s your name? Daniel?
Daniel: I’m Melony. Don’t forget to breathe, sweetie.
Cara: So that makes you Tod. I hope you like what you see.
Tod: Oh, I love what I see. You’re even sexier than your picture on the website.
Daniel: Yeah. Ah, listen, we’ve never actually done this before. So, like, what do we do first?
Melony: Well, first we have a little chat. As you know, elegant evenings provides high class ladies as such, there are some rules. First kissing. I will kiss but only with this amount of tongue.
[Melony takes little of her tongue out and shows it]
Cara: I allow kissing with full tongue but only on the cheek.
Tod: Alright. Good to know. Good to know.
Daniel: So, um, what now?
Melony: We’re not done. Certain laundry detergents cause me to break out into an itchy raged rash and so you will have to strip all the sheets off the bed and we’ll enjoy each other’s company on the bare mattress.
Daniel: Just a bare hotel mattress? Isn’t that a little gross?
Melony: It’s not nearly as gross as the rash, Daniel.
Cara: And Tod, um, we need to come up with the safe word.
Daniel: Oh, um, I think I can handle it. I don’t need a safe word.
Cara: Um, yeah, you do. I’m a powerful woman, understand? I mean, stand up.
Tod: Okay.
[Tod and Cara stand up next to each other. Cara is very tall.]
Cara: Just look at our size difference. I’m gonna rag doll you, man. It’s gonna be like a sneaker in a dryer.
Tod: Yeah. Okay, yeah. Let’s pick a safe word.
Cara: Good. Our safe word is, “I’m scared, please stop.”
Tod: Okay. Um, question. What if I want to role play?
Cara: That’s fine. But I can only role play Stewie from the Family Guy.
Tod: [laughing] Stewie from Family Guy is my only option?
Cara: Yeah. It’s the only voice I can do but I’m really good at it. [in deep voice] “Hello Bryan. Look at all these imbeciles.” What do you think? You want some Stewie tonight?
Tod: Yeah, let’s play it by ear.
Cara: Yeah.
Melony: And Daniel, if you want to role play, I only do Patty Pendri Gast.
Daniel: Oh, um, I don’t know who that is.
Melony: Oh, she is an original character. She’s a clumsy maid and she has a catch phrase, [in British accent] “Oopsie doopsie, I mufffed you up again.”
Daniel: Wow, that’s really creative.
Cara: Tod, I need to separate business from personal. So tonight, I will be wearing these Lindsey Vonn oakley alpines. [puts on a skiing goggles]
Tod: Okay, you’re gonna wear those the entire time?
Cara: Yes, sir. The clothes come off, these come on.
Melony: And Daniel, I have a vitamin D depletion disorder. I’m require an extreme sort of a mountain milk on a daily basis. So while we’re being intimate, I will take several sudden milk breaks. I’m telling you this now so that you’re not scared because I will scream something like, “Get off me you douche, I need milk.” And I will sort of consume milk frantically.
Daniel: Thanks for the heads up.
Tod: Yeah. Um, do you ladies mind if we just talk for a second?
Melony: Not at all.
Tod: Excellent. Thank you.
[Daniel and Tod walk to the corner of the room.]
Daniel: Dude, I wish some of these stuffs had been in the website?
Tod: I mean for $5,000 each, I just kind of wish it said like, “Only role play as a Stewie and is kind of bad at the voice.”
Daniel: Right. Or, “Will stop sex to chug milk.” I mean, you’re still into this?
Melony: House keeping. [Cut to Melony] Patty Pendri Gast at your service. [Melony falls down]
[Cut to Daniel and Tod]
Daniel: Oh, man! That is so not a turn on.
[Cut to Melony]
Melony: Oopsie doopsie, I mufffed you up again.
[Cut to Cara. She is wearing oakley goggles and has Stewie costume ready.]
Cara: Bryan! Do you want Stewie to put this on now or later?
[Cut to Daniel and Tod]
Daniel: Well, we’ll make a good story.
Tod: Yeah. Alright. Let’s lose our virginities.
Daniel: Boom!
