Tormund… Bobby Moynihan
Edd… Beck Bennett
Ser Davos… Taran Killam
Cecily Strong
Brie Larson
Melisandre… Kate McKinnon
Kenan Thompson
Jon snow… Pete Davidson
[Starts with the intro of The Game Of Thrones]
[Cut to the scene where Jon Snow is dead and his body is lying.]
Tormund: Well, Jon Snow is dead.
Edd: Yes, he’s dead for good. But he might be the heir to the iron throne.
Ser Davos: Oh, well. Not anymore. Because of how dead he is.
Tormund: What should we do with the body? Bury him?
Ser Davos: No. I think with this one, we just leave him out for a few days on this slab so that everyone can see how dead he really is.
Edd: Boy, he is dead.
Tormund: He is the deadest.
Ser Davos: Dead… for sure.
Cecily : Oh, my god. This is so slow.
Brie : Just bring him back to life already.
Cecily : Yeah. We all know it’s gonna happen. Just do it.
Ser Davos: No, it is not going to happen because he is super dead. On a scale of one to ten, he is like a ten of dead.
Edd: Totally, Ser Davos. But wait. Does Jon Snow have to be…
Ser Davos: Have to be what?
Edd: Have to be dead?
Cecily : No! He doesn’t. So let’s wake him up and pop on a horse and fight someone or something.
Brie : Yeah. Because we only get ten hours in a year, people. We spent two in this room.
Cecily : Yeah, right now we’re doing [gesturing stretching with her hands] this and we need to be doing [gesturing running fast with her hands] this.
[Melisandre walks in]
Melisandre: Hello. It is I, Melisandre. Remember? With thousand year old posts?
Ser Davos: Melisandre, seeing you gives me an idea. Can you bring Jon Snow back to life with your magic?
Melisandre: Hmm, maybe. Let me think about for a full ten minutes.
Ser Davos: And while you think, let’s stare both traumatically.
[close cuts to Ser Davos and Melisandre staring here and there]
Cecily : Holy crap. I mean, you guys must feel how slow this is.
Brie : I mean, what is this? A play? Let’s go do something. Our world is so cool. We have giants, we have dragons, we have quidditch.
Cecily : Oh, that’s Harry Potter.
Brie : Oh, whatever.
Ser Davos: I have done plenty of exciting things with my life. Remember last year when I learned to read?
Cecily : No. Actually I went to the bathroom during all those scenes.
[Kenan walks in]
Kenan : Move aside. I’m here to see Jon Snow. I heard he’s alive again.
Cecily : No. They still haven’t done it.
Brie : He’s still on the slab.
[Kenan looking at the body]
Kenan : [squeaky voice] Whaaaaat?
Melisandre: Okay. Update. I have decided to do my magic. But a warning. It only works if it’s done very slowly. First, I must wash his body. That’s part of the magic for sure.
[Jon Snow wakes up]
Not yet.
[Jon Snow dies again]
And maybe not ever, my magic may not work. This is real edge of the seat kind of thing. And now, what everyone has been waiting a year to see. I shall cut his hair.
[Jon Snow wakes up]
Not yet, kid!
Jon Snow: [whispering] Sorry.
Melisandre: And now I throw his hair into tiny little fire, one strand at a time.
Kenan : [yelling] Pick up the pace, woman!
Melisandre: Never mind the pace. I’m sure they’re cutting away to King’s Landing or something while I do all this boring stuff.
Cecily : No, no, no. They’re not. They’re staying on us.
Brie : Yeah, they’re showing us. This all in real time.
Melisandre: Wait, they are? A-yai-yai. Abraka-dabra. You’re alive.
[Jon Snow wakes up]
It worked. What a twist.
Brie : Finally.
Cecily : Come on, out to the good stuff.
Jon Snow: I miss my family. Take me to Bran. I wanna see what Bran’s up to.
All: No!
[The End]
