Vanessa Bayer
Jean… Kenan Thompson
Ricky Diamonds… Benedict Cumberbatch
Jemma… Cecily Strong
[Starts with Vanessa and Jean having dinner at a nice restaurant]Vanessa: Well, Jean, I have to hand it to you. Atlantic city isn’t all gross. I mean Bobby Flay Steak house? Fancy!
Jean: And? Bobby Flay is your celebrity hall pass.
Vanessa: Jean, you’re not supposed to know that.
Jean: Oh, I’m not judging. Mine is Miller Kunis as Meg from Family Guy.
Vanessa: Fair enough, Mr.
Ricky Diamonds: Oh my god, Jean? Of course, my best bro Jean’s getting some hot public action.
Jean: Excuse me?
Ricky Diamonds: Jean, don’t be selfish. Tag your boy in.
Jemma: [strong accent] Babe, I’m not standing right here. I’m Jemma.
Jean: I’m sorry. Who are you again?
Ricky Diamonds: It’s me, Ricky Diamonds. We met in that male body acceptance workshop?
Jean: Oh, right.
Vanessa: Um, what’s a male body acceptance workshop?
Ricky Diamonds: Oh, I had to look at your husband’s junk and tell him what I found beautiful about it.
Jemma: And I’m Jemma.
Ricky Diamonds: Scoot over. We have to catch up.
Vanessa: Oh, you know, we’re just sort of doing like, a date night.
Ricky Diamonds: Ah! Then you’re gonna love it when you hear what I do. I am a rock n’ roll mentalist. That means I do like, magic to rock n’ roll music. And this is Jemma.
Jemma: I’m British.
Ricky Diamonds: How great is that accent? She sounds like a GPS. Go on. Do it.
Jemma: [acting like GPS] Recalculating. Recalculating.
Jean: Oh. Oh. So–
Ricky Diamonds: How did we meet?
Jemma: We met at the plastic surgeons. We were about to get our tits doen.
Ricky Diamonds: Yeah. Coz I need that good cleavage for my magic shows.
Vanessa: You do?
[Ricky Diamonds gets Vanessa’s hand and makes her feel his chest]Ricky Diamonds: Yeah, look, here. Feel. Feels real, right? But it’s not. I paid for it. Now feel her’s. [Ricky Diamonds puts Vanessa’s hand on Jemma’s breasts] Feels real too, right?
Jemma: Mine’s not paid for yet. Still got to balance. So, I’m gonna have to give him back. So I’m thinking of doing like, kickstarter. Can I count on you? I need a little bit of help.
Jean: Well, I guess we could chip in a little bit.
Vanessa: Jean!
Ricky Diamonds: Hey, wanna see a trick?
Vanessa: Not really.
Jemma: Yeah, magic. Magic. Do a trick, babe.
Ricky Diamonds: It’s not a trick babe, it’s an illusion. [Ricky Diamonds pulls out a deck of cards] Okay, pick a card. [Vanessa starts following instructions] Any card. And put it back in the deck. Don’t show me. And put the deck in your mouth.
Vanessa: What?
Ricky Diamonds: Now Jean, can you confirm that this is a real gun?
[Ricky Diamonds passes a gun to Jean]Jean: Yeah. It’s a real gun. And it’s fully loaded.
Vanessa: [with a deck of cards in her mouth] What? Am I going to get shot?
Jean: Oh, no, no. You’re not going to get shot. It’s a trick.
[Jemma puts a napkin on her head covering her face]Jemma: Okay, so I’m gonna put a napkin on my head, right? I can’t see nothing. Alright, here we go. [Jemma points the gun forward] One, two–
Jean: No, no. You’re aiming at me. One foot to the left.
Vanessa: Hey!
Jemma: Okay.
Jean: It’s a trick, honey!
Jemma: Here we go.
[Waiter walks in]Waiter: Excuse me. You can’t have guns in here.
Jemma: No, it’s a magic trick.
[The waiter takes away the gun]Waiter: Yeah, well, I have to take it up front.
Ricky Diamonds: But dude, I’m in a middle of illusion? Would you treat Chris Angel this way?
Waiter: Who?
Ricky Diamonds: Oh my god! What a dumb dork! You don’t know who Chris Angel is? Seriously, you’re a dumb dork, dude!
Jemma: Babe, should I take the napkin off my head now?
Ricky Diamonds: Yeah. Magic’s over. Sorry Jean, Jemma can shoot your wife outside.
Vanessa: Okay. You know, it’s been a long night. So we’re just–
Ricky Diamonds: No, wait. Don’t let that dork ruin my fun. My girl here is a singer.
Jemma: I’m a singer.
Ricky Diamonds: Sing a song, babe.
Jemma: It’s called Magic. Give me a beat, babe.
[Ricky Diamonds starts tapping on the table] [singing] DJ brought the magic last nightcasting spells on the dance floor
hypnotize, mesmerize,
magic hat, I know of that
cast a spell, just as well
Harry Potter thinks he’s got a
five, four, three, two, whoop!
She’s gone!
Ricky Diamonds: Babe, if you were trying to get the whole table hard as rock, you succeeded. I know Jean’s hard. I can tell by how he’s squiggling in his seat.
Jean: What? Who is squiggling? Not me.
Vanessa: Hah! You are! You are re-arranging something.
Jean: Well, can’t you just be appreciative that it can still happen?
Vanessa: [smiling] I guess so.
Jemma: Aw, they’re in love again. All because of my song. Five, four, three, two, whoop!
She’s gone!
