Todd… Tom Hanks
Jill… Cecily Strong
Jennifer… Leslie Jones
Alexia… Melissa Villaseñor[Starts with three couples planning Halloween party]
Todd: Okay, great. Thanks again, everybody, for coming over to plan next week’s Halloween block party.
Jill: Yes, it’s gonna be the best one yet.
Kenan: Jill, Todd, I have a question. I’m looking at the flyer for the block party and right up at the top of costume parade, it says that “Jill and Todd are going to be on the main stage from 9 PM to ?” What is that?[Cut to Todd and Jill]
Todd: Yeah. That’s our show.
Todd: Remember, last year you asked us to start putting together a Halloween show?[Cut to Kate and Beck]
Jill: Yeah. Yeah. You asked us to write a show and then star in it.[Cut to Kenan and Jennifer]
Jennifer: Nobody said that to you.[Cut to Todd and Jill]
Todd: Wow! Jennifer doesn’t think we wrote a show.[Cut to Kenan and Jennifer]
Jennifer: No, I’m saying no one asked you to write one.[Cut to Todd and Jill]
Jill: Okay, um, [loud voice] Alexia, get down here. There people are making us prove we wrote a show.[Cut to Kate and Beck]
Kate: I thought your daughter Alexia was in college.
Todd: She couldn’t do it.[Cut to everybody. Alexia comes running in]
Jill: Alexia, there you are. Are you ready to do the show?[Cut to Todd, Jill and Alexia]
Alexia: Won’t that spoil the surprise?
Todd: Of course it will, but these cheapskates are trying to get out of paying us.[Cut to Kate and Beck]
Beck: Paying you?
Jill: Yes! The $2,000 you promised.[Cut to Kenan and Jennifer]
Kenan: It’s a free Halloween block party for kids! Nobody’s gonna pay![Cut to Todd, Jill and Alexia]
Todd: Alright, you win. You win. We will do a run through. But we’re just gonna be marking it.[Todd, Jill and Alexia are setting up their mics]
Jill: Yeah, okay? Coz we were counting on another week but let’s just get our mics on, guys. Here’s the damn show you asked for!
Todd: This is basically what it’s gonna be.
Jill: [singing and dancing] Just a small town witch
living in a haunted house
making spells and potions
and eyeball soup
Todd: [singing and dancing] Just a dracula
boiling rage inside Detroit
got two fangs in my mouth
and pale white skin
Alexia: [singing and dancing] A zombie in a musty tomb
the smell of brains and cheap perfume
as long as she can eat some human flesh
she’s fine, she’s fine, she’s fine, she’s fine
Todd, Jill and Alexia: Hallo… ween.
Our favorite time of the year
it’s the noise!
Jill: Dracula, this can never work. We just– we don’t make sense.
Todd: Why? Because I drink blood?
Jill: No, you goof. Because I am a virgin.
Todd: So I am virgin too. Big time!
Jill: Wait a minute. You’re telling me the Dracula from South Detroit has never, you know, done it?[cut to Kenan and Jennifer]
Kenan: And this is for kids?[Cut to Todd and Jill]
Todd: You will be my first. Show me that body.
Jill: Okay. So, we’re just miming it now, but that day, we’ll actually be removing our robes.
Todd: And I will be the damn spelled, obviously.[Cut to Todd and Jill. Alexia walks in.]
Alexia: What are you two doing?
Jill: Sophina, god, you weren’t supposed to see this.
Alexia: Obviously. Did our kiss mean nothing?[Cut to Kate and Beck]
Beck: So, they are in love triangle with their daughter?[Cut to Todd, Jill and Alexia]
Jill: Honey, look, I kiss lots of people. Okay? I’m a witch. Witches are slutty. That’s just a fact!
Todd: Oh, no! The sun is rising. Crap! Oh, it’s okay. I’ve done everything I wanted to do. I love you. And then I burst into flames.
Todd, Jill and Alexia: [singing and dancing] Hallo… ween.
it only comes one time a year
let’s fix more treats for all time!
Jennifer: Is that really what you spent a whole year working on?[Cut to Todd, Jill and Alexia]
Jill: Yes.[Cut to Kate and Beck]
Beck: Well, it was flipping amazing.[Cut to Kenan and Jennifer]
Kenan: We’ll give you half.[Cut to Todd, Jill and Alexia]
Todd: Oh, just a thousand?
Jill: Well, you’re shrewd. But we’ll take it. Now, please leave because I can tell my husband is getting emotional.[Kenan, Jennifer, Kate and Beck leave]
Todd: Well, we sure got screwed!
Jill: Honey, we went in asking for more than we deserved. Let’s be happy we get to perform. Alexia, go to bed.
Alexia: I’m 22.
Jill: I couldn’t tell by your performance. Go to bed.
Todd: You wanna study that choreography? [yelling]