Mom… Aidy Bryant
PJ… Kyle Mooney
Alice… Kate McKinnon
James… Beck Bennett
Alex Moffat[Starts with Mom talking to PJ ]
Mom: Aw, honey. What’s going on, PJ? You’ve been staring at your hamster cage for gosh, an hour now.
PJ : Ever since we put in the new guys, the old ones are being really mean.
Mom: Um, okay. Well, the lady at Petco said that they might fight a little but that they’ll work it out.
PJ : I don’t know mom. It’s pretty bad.[Cut to the hamsters]
Alice: He can’t get it up. Did he tell you that?
James: Hmm, you’re drunk. You’re a drunk hamster Alice. A drunk hamster.
Alice: How else could I survive living in this pathetic little cage with you?
James: Oh, you want a big cage, Alice? Go on. Go back to Harrow.
Alice: Oh, again with the damn guinea pig.
James: Um, he has a big cage. Isn’t that what you like, Alice? Big expensive things.[Cut to Emily and Alex]
Emily: Oh my, it is getting late. I think we have to head on home.
Alex: Yes, thank you for the evening. We’ll see ourselves out.
Alice: Oh, no, no. But stay, dinner is almost ready.
James: Yeah, it’s almost burnt to a crisp.
Alice: It’s pallet roast, James. It’s refined.
Emily: You know, we actually have a toilet paper roll in home to finish. So we should…
Alex: Oh, yes. Thanks for the offer.
James: Hmm, I’d like to off her.
Alice: What was that coward?
James: I’d like to off you.
PJ : I think we should get another cage.
Mom: Well, maybe you just need to feed them, right? Maybe they’re just hungry.
PJ : I don’t know. It still feels really tense.[PJ puts in some food for the hamsters.] [Cut to the hamsters eating.]
Emily: Um, James, so what do you do for work?
James: Well, I used to be in sales but now I’m mostly working on pulling in that sock from the side of the cage.
Emily: Oh, that’s fascinating. How wonderful–
Alice: [mocking] Oh, that’s fascinating, is it? Ha-ha! What I wouldn’t give these 12 weeks olds again. Just a wide eyed easily impressed little floosy.
Alex: Now, wait a minute.
James: Oh, that’s enough.
Alice: Oh, I’m sorry. I forgot we’re all lying to ourselves tonight.
Emily: Alice, please. We’re all neighbors. I thought we might as well get to know each other.
Alice: Oh, you would like to get to know my husband, wouldn’t you Ms. Fluffy? Can’t keep your lies off his tail.
James: Not everyone is as sick as you, Alice.
Alice: Oh! I’m sick?
James: You’re sick.
Alice: How am I sick?
James: Oh, you want me to tell you how you’re sick?
Alice: Tell me. Tell me how I am sick.
James: Oh, you’re sick coz you’re scared. You’re always running. Running on that wheel. Trying to run away from something but you can’t run away from yourself, Alice. It eats you up inside.[Alice claps]
Alice: I had no idea you were a poet, James. Here I thought you were just a choir.[Cut to PJ and his mom ]
Mom: Okay, you know what PJ? I think you might be right.
PJ : I told you. That older one keeps playing mind games with our new.
Mom: I know. They’re just– they’re going in circles and I can’t take it.
PJ : We have to put a stop to this. Or they will.
Mom: Alright, I’ll get a bucket.[Cut to the hamsters]
Alice: Go ahead. Hit me.
James: You want me to hit you?
Alice: Oh, go on and hit me.
James: You’d like that, wouldn’t you?
Alice: Oh, I’m not a man. Hit me.
James: Oh, get nice black eye to show your friends?
Alice: He doesn’t have the tail to hit me.[James hits Alice]
Ou! That wasn’t so hard, was it?
James: Your’e a poison. You’re toxic. You’re sick.
Emily: Stop it. Stop it. Listen to yourselves. So much hatred. We have a short time on this earth before we’re buried in a New Balance shoe box. Why can’t we just enjoy each other’s company?
James: She ate our babies, you know? All eight of them.
Alice: I was hungry.[Cut to PJ and his mom . Mom is holding a bucket]
Mom: Okay, let’s get those newer guys out of there.
PJ : Oh, silence mother. What do you know about pets?
Mom: Okay. These are all going back and you can have a dog.
PJ : Awesome, baby!